tribeoftrio.com

When I was a very little girl, I learned, correctly or not, that the fine whisps of hair framing my small face were known as “baby hair.” Have an infant sister, I made the assumption that these leftover locks on my head were  the same as those that barely covered the scalp of my precious sibling. I made sure to point mine out to every one, so they could also see that I was just as cute as she was, only… I was older.

I point this out as I spend the days in comparisons: sometimes with envy, sometimes with empathy. I feel the hamster in my head continuing the spinning, spending ferocious energy at this, as I admonish or ally. And it’s okay.

The difference between that 5 year old and the 46 year old is that at such a young age, I had no idea of my worth; I felt my value came from the attention of others, and sadly this was my belief until about…my mid-thirties. Much of this was internalized from some mysterious source, but I feel it gave me much in terms of “Einfühlung” or stepping into another’s feelings.

Much of the news in recent days has brought me to another place. One that no longer carries any shame, or guilt, or fear, but again empathizing with\understanding women who’ve been forced to realize that the society they are a part of will simply not value their worth. What angers me, what ENRAGES me, is the constant, consistent, cyclical re-victimization that women (and men!) experience FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES! I’m not even taking about reports to law enforcement and or trials (which rarely happen). I mean every.day.triggers: a sound, a smell, a word, a place. Every time there is a news story, haunted memories that have been pushed so ferociously to the back of the brain are brought to the forefront all over again. And people have the gall to ask, if it really happened, why didn’t she report? Why is she waiting til now?

I experienced such violence. Some of the reasons I didn’t report were because a) one of the rapists (there were 2) was the son of well-to-do people my dad was friends with and I knew no one would believe me, b) I felt ashamed, c) I knew I would get in trouble, but there many additional, unspoken reasons. Later, in Southern California, I worked at a rape crisis center as a SART (sexual assault response team). It wasn’t fun, but it was VERY necessary. My request is this: PLEASE stop assuming these reports are false.  Wait.  The truth (whether you like it or not) will come out.  Please understand there are a LOT of damaged people on this Earth.  A lot.  Also, don’t get all your news from ONE source, remember that media are looking for viewers and will often sensationalize what they can. I try to stick to news sources in the center of the liberal/conservative bell curve, and read from multiple sources, several not based in this country.   Listen when someone says something – Just listen.  Please.  #dontbeanotherassholeinalonglineofassholes

Pictures:  Every few weeks, I come up with words; These words on abuse are taken from TheHealthyPlace; Statistics from RAINN (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network.  Look here for more information on the severity of the problem in this country. https://rainn.org/statistics

I can’t begin to accurately portray the fear I’ve been experiencing and how it manifests itself to varying degrees in my life as of late.

At this point, I’m falling; plummeting into a black hole, terrified I’ve made a decision which could devastate others as many lives would be affected.  If I’ve learned anything in my life, it’s that when I do something, it doesn’t ONLY affect me; Ripples in pond when a rock has been thrown in.  

It isn’t just my children I’m concerned about, there are also his.  Despite my best intentions, I have this immature inner-me who is frightened and insecure.  Despite all the talks l have with myself, when the going gets tough, I  shut down and as great as an actress as I think I am, these moments of withdrawal are noticed by others. This isn’t good, because what his kids need is an adult who is stable and knows what the fuck she’s doing.  I’ve been open with the girls; told them both how difficult this has been in terms of missing my tribe and that I will (and do) mess up.  Is that going to be enough or am I just creating an excuse?

Derek’s son and fiancé came to visit tonight and brought us dinner.  We had such a wonderful time.  After a delicious dinner (with plastic utensils as silverware  and paper towels as fine linen), we spoke about movies, music, life and politics.  It was a much needed break after emotional days.

And tonight, a thunderstorm and surprise rain shower hit our area. Such a wonderful welcome back and maybe a sign that it will be okay here, after all.

Picture: moment between the lightening.

The day began…knowing this was my last morning in California in my home with my kids.  Such bittersweet emotions.  All morning, tears spontaneously streaming down my face as a long forgotten memory resurfaced, or simply a fiercely tight hug given to my from either of my children.  My son, stoic, yet sensitive; my girl, her eyes matching mine, red and swollen.  This is a very difficult day.

I sat in Maggie’s bed, her body enveloped by my arms.  Ethan stood next to me, his hands on my arms.  “Sometimes,” my voice staccato’ with tears, “you have to do the very difficult things because you know it is the right thing.  If you don’t, you’ll be unhappy and stuck.”  My children nodded in agreement, though knowing doesn’t lessen the pain.

I understand beyond a shadow of doubt that Derek and I belong together.  Words fail us both, yet for us the words are unnecessary.  What is and has taken place to make the togetherness a reality, however, has been painful.  I cannot lie.  My children are my world.  They have been front and center in my life since the day they entered.  I have fought to make them independent and self-sufficient.  I did my best not to spoil them and raise them understanding the importance of Relationship.  

It would have been negligent, therefore, to put me and Derek on hold until after they graduated high school, which was our initial plan.  While nothing will ever replace our daily interactions, I have been told (I’m not at the point yet where I believe this) that my job as their Childhood Teacher of Important Life Lessons is complete and their father now gets the joy of raising them as teens.

And so, Day One of my exit out of California is nearing its end as I finally spend the night in Lone Pine with my beloved husband, who told me from the beginning that he is absolutely okay in being second, knowing my kids are my first.   I’m glad I believe in three-way ties…. 

Picture: my Yeti filled with frozen cranberries and my SCOBY.  

A day of unexpected endings; My departure isn’t for a couple of more weeks yet today Universe began giving me my marching orders. The tree I always parked under while speaking with my husband before going in to work had been imprisoned.  After parking elsewhere, I saw the Wise One was being assaulted with chainsaws…all to make room for a roundabout at the nearby elementary school.  “Progress.”

The damper  in the day being set, I decided it was a good day to get most of my work belongings out of the office and bring them home.  All of my training has been in this building; I’ve never practiced anywhere else.  I’m grateful to have worked with young children, elementary-aged, and adolescents.  Also a few parents,  which is, in my opinion, where the answer usually lies.  I had not expected to feel such a well of emotion to appear as I pulled up to the front where Ben stood, holding boxes filled with my books and binders.  For so long I have teased him about my messy yet joyful desk, displaying pictures of my kids when they were toddlers and my husband with Maggie. Now, it looks bare and forlorn.

After an appointment, I headed to the post-office for Part Two: sending off my LPCC hours to be accepted.  Marriage & Family Therapists (MFTs) are primarily a California career,  it seems.  In the rest of the country,  LPCCs (Licensed Professional Clinical Counselors) are the what’s-what.  All those years ago, when learning about the possibility of furthering my degree,  I knew I wasn’t supposed to stay in California, so I got the dual Master’s degree.  See, Derek?  Trust your intuition.

It wasn’t long til I had to pick up my son from his friend’s house.  Driving my badass little Mazda, we soon ended up “taking the scenic route” (temporary lost) on a steep, broken dirt road in the hills.  Two quail ran frantically across the road, as if 1 pace behind the steeplechase leader.  Fifty feet further, two hares sat on the side of the road, not giving a damn that I was passing them or not.  Both ends of the spectrum living in harmony.  It’s a shame humans choose not to learn more from Nature.

With perfect timing, my back pain has returned.  What started out a couple of months ago as occasional annoyances is back to the ice-packs and useless-but-maybe-this-time-it’ll-be-different Ibuprofen/Naproxen consumption.  17 days til I head to Texas and not a damn thing is packed (except for the 19 packed, then unpacked, the re-packed, now somewhat packed boxes of books).  Did I mention I’m trying to become a minimalist?

Pics: My Wise One; Hours are off; A field of Dreams

In honor of Hope Bist.  An entire gym with people who loved her .  Rest gently, Sweet Child ❤

My last take-off from DFW airport before I move here.  Despite having less than 3 weeks before I move, the goodbyes continue to become increasingly more difficult each time. Patience.

Last night there were tears on my end (again) as we sat in the airport parking lot, yet we were granted a reprieve as delays  stalled my departure until today.  Exhaustion immediately left us as we returned to a family Memorial Day get-together to join in another game of disc golf.  Fire flies dances in the night- something I haven’t seen since summers in Austria, yet I lived in this region for 7 years. It’s astonishes me what we see.  Priorities and awareness.

Our three days were a beautiful, action-packed, mini super-casual honeymoon in the home we will reside in for a few years until children graduate from high-school. With an air
mattress  for a bed(and subsequent box as a night stand), we enjoyed the house to ourselves until we all move in together  in mid-June. Who said Christenings were only for infants and ships?

Ethan was at the airport to pick me up. I hafta give that kid some credit: driving 45 minutes during rush hour through California’s state capital to an airport with confusion signs.  Problem is, he parked in economy parking, so I had to wait 15 minutes for the bus to pick me up and deliver me there.  We got into a bit of an argument driving home; typical teenage/parent stuff which is quite age-appropriate, yet I learned rather quickly he was actually upset about something else and since I am his safe person, he did the same thing he’d do as a child and took it out on me.  As the adult, I need to remember not to let my buttons be pushed so easily by him. I need to remember he is a teenager who is struggling with the fact that I’m  about to move halfway across the country and I know that is a very pressing issue with him.  

Speaking with Derek tonight, I realized that our July wedding in Texas is probably more of a confirmation for me than a ceremony for the kids. Every day I am astonished and in awe of the fact that I get to be married to this human being. I have never felt so safe, so cared for, so loved by another.  His vows are his Truth:  love is a verb to him.  I have known some really wonderful men in my life, but this one tops the cake.  

Pics: Final flight; Beautiful Fort Worth sky; Mu husband’s hand. 

Endings.  They’re much easier when you aren’t aware of their arrival.  These past days, I have been in mourning as I simultaneously celebrated my Best Day, which transpired as an oxymoronic feeling, to be sure.  Two days ago, while dropping Mags off, I knew something was wrong at her school and asked her to text me when she learned what it was. A few hours later, she texted me about a fatal solo vehicular accident which had taken the life of a star athlete at school.  Devastating permanent endings.

This morning, I wept as I shared my final car ride to school with Ethan. He has his license (as well as a truck in the wings he doesn’t know about) and I’m soon moving to begin my new life with my husband.  Someone who doesn’t know me recently commented that Derek was “tearing my family apart.”  Oh, how I beg to differ!  My goal since the day my children were born has been to make them self-sufficient and independent, able to build strong relationships with the people in their lives. Despite the friendship their father and I continue to have after our divorce, he has not been able to spend daily life with them.  Now, thanks to Derek, my children and my ex-husband have the opportunity to grow their relationship.  Healthy endings and silver linings.

Beginnings.  “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”  My children are adolescents.  They are responsible, capable, mature.  Now, as my dear colleague Ruth stated, it’s my turn. Derek trusted me to plan our wedding, despite never having met my music family.  He’s accompanied me to a few Hips shows, yet Hipnic is a different breed, by far.  The individuals I have met through this band touch my spirit in ways I have never experienced before.  I try desperately to explain this  to the band members, as do other fans, the magic they have bestowed upon us,their fans, but I’m not sure they’ll ever be able to understand. 

And thus, I whisked my love away to Hipnic in the glorious redwoods of Big Sur, knowing it wouldn’t be too long until he fell under the spell of my people.  Midway through, he pulled me to the side and told me we needed to do this every year. Well, duh!  This is my 6th year- the only reason I wasn’t along earlier was because of cash flow.

Under the glorious Mother Redwood and her children, Derek and I sealed our love in front of our family, for they have embraced him as readily as they did me. A few souls important to me were not present, yet I carried them with me.  In a few short weeks, I move back to Texas, ready to experience a different land from the one I left with a man I’ve reconnected with.  Beginning anew.

Pics: Ethan walking to the car; cake cutting victories.

I awoke WRONG today. Something was out of wack from the get-go and stayed that way throughout the day. And… that’s perfectly okay, because it is a feeling and I have found that trying to change the way I felt didn’t always end up very well. It turned out quite the opposite, in fact. So I accepted my feelings like the part of me that they are and I carried on.

There are so many aspects in life that we are unable to control, hence my hula hoop analogy which I share with all my clients when they are at that point. We each have a hula hoop around us. We are in control of EVERYTHING inside that hula hoop: what we say, what we do, how we react, how we present ourselves, etc. what we do NOT have control over is everything OUTSIDE of our hula hoop: him, her, that teacher, that baseball coach, the bill collectors, etc. We keep our side of the street clean by not reacting nor engaging with unhealthy, toxic (dare I say “illegal”?) behaviors and carry on with our lives.

I meet an amazing adolescent at work today. This kid had insight that many adults don’t have and it was an honor to meet him. Then a lesson in nutrition from a doctor who is WOKE about what we out in our bodies. If it weren’t for Carnitas and  chicken tikka masala, I KNOW I could be a vegetarian. <grin>

My girl is now officially a GF and has a BF. So stoked for her! And my boy made it through a very difficult time: The First Argument, but they both made it through with flying colors. Being a couple is difficult. Being a couple in your teen years is difficulter; two different people with limited communication skills, coping skills and patience. No, thank you.

It just hit me. It won’t be long until Derek and I will become an official “us”. I’m very excited and a little freaked out. Such a seamless continuation of a friendship which began 23 years ago and evolved into this. I couldn’t be happier.

picture: Yellow rose of Texas. ♥️

I cancelled my licensure exam after coming  to an understanding: I am human.  I am singlehandedly planning two weddings, one on the coast and one in Texas. I am about to move halfway across the country. This may not be the best time for learning.  My thoughts are I will get my LPCC hours approved then take both exams, one after the other.  

The end result of no need to study is that I am bored.  I do manage to fill little cracks of time arranging for photography, cake, et cetera, but there is nothing else to do(the trick here is that I should continue to study). I packed one box, symbolically filling it with the board game Guesstures, which I played with Derek 22 years ago.  I felt better.

I’m getting married in 29 days and don’t have a dress. Am I panicked?  Hell, no!  It will all work out. The important part is treats.  Fortunately, an award-winning baker in the area wrote back and can help me out.  Now I’m torn between the cake (from Big Sur) and the sugar cookies from here.  Solution: eat both and bring Keebler cookies for everyone else. 

Kids:  I work with kids who are judged by society and the court system on their actions.  I cried yesterday during session (to the point the individual brought me a box of tissue) because I care so much about this human being, this person who has imprisoned himself into  something much more devastating than the prison he will be sent to.  I will miss my juvie kids and the staff. This job is my dream job.                                                      My kids.  These two are my tribe.  We have grown up together during joyous times and points of difficulty.  Leaving them here will be so difficult.                                                             His kids.  I am terrified.  A large reason of my staying single over the years (besides never meeting “the right person”) is because of my need to be with my kids and my fear of step-parenting.  I’m not sure how good I will be, despite my YEARS of working with kids, either as a teacher or now as a therapist. I never had a step-parent, I don’t understand, can’t understand that point.  Throw into the mixture extenuating circumstances with their history and it makes for an interesting case.  Except it’s not a case: these are my future step-children.  So I’m off to get therapized myself on boundaries and will cross my fingers like a mother-fucker.  

I’m thinking about the circle of people who have been apart of my life in NorCal since I moved here 16 years ago.  These people have added so much to my life and I’m not quite sure how to ever repay that.  I know I’m not gone yet, but I am so grateful.  They have helped me become the semi-adult that I am and taught me how to live Life on Life’s terms with a little bit of grace and a lot of tears.  I’ll visit often.

Picture: Wicked Tree for our Texas cake.

A dream awoke me this morning. An empty, hollow dream which only reminded me of the fact that I will be leaving importantcies (a new word I needed to create) which have been the focus of my life since I have lived in Northern California. It devastates me and bleeds a fear into me which resides deep in my marrow, my inner soul. I understand this fear is temporary, and I must only experience it for a short while, then it will leave, replaced again by excited anticipation.

As I sat in my car yesterday , preparing with excited anticipation to join the hustle of women preparing for significant days, I received a text from an old friend. Though I did not know this person well, we share a similar history which forever links us together in a Life Understanding. He often texts me silly jokes, or wise realizations. Yesterday he told me it was time to say goodbye and he thanked me for what I had brought to his life. I cried. Fuck you, cancer.

Yesterday was also the complete opposite of what I wanted it to be. I was joyous and still convinced that I continue to be this human who continues to effortlessly glide through other aspects of life which often throw a major wrench into the lives of others, in this case, trying on wedding dresses. Not anymore. Truth be told, I was never that person to “glide through effortlessly”… I’ve always been a frighten girl, stumbling through with a cloak of false bravado. My nonchalance was actually insecurity, never thinking I was enough to wear that big beautiful dress, that Princess Diana wedding attire and going instead for the simple dress. Eventually I saw, along with the world, that even Princess Diana didn’t fit in that fairy-tale gown, symbolic of the expectations put on us by Self and others.

Yet none of these thoughts were evident to me yet. I walked into the bridal shop, quickly overwhelmed by sequins, lace, taffeta and tulle. The pink, blotchy skin I didn’t cover with makeup stared at me sullenly, as the young size 4’s and 6’s tried in their wedding gowns bridesmaid dresses, surrounded by family and friends. The last time I did this, 17 years ago, I was also alone. I do this to myself.

After promising to return in two weeks with a different mindset, I sat in my car and cried as Derek told me how he loved me. There is so much taking place in my life: love, marriage, leaving my work, my precious babies, death, finishing my hours, a new career and fear of step-parenting. I headed to JoAnne’s Fabrics, to become more proactive. With Derek in my ear, I selected materials for garlands and changed my Day’s direction. Later, Universe showed me that All is Good with New Love and an opportunity to strengthen my relationship with my son in a very personal discussion. Life is good. It is Very Good, indeed.

Pics: Wedding dress chaos; New Love; Beta transcription errors.