This morning, after a weekend of having my ass kicked from a new pain med, I had to fast for my physical (changing life insurance companies). This is not a big deal for me – I simply enjoyed the seltzer water instead of coffee. When I opened the door, I saw Nola – a woman I had known in a different lifetime when my children were (literally) babies, I was married, I had my own certified small business locating, verifying and consolidating authoritative information for individuals around the globe. Nola was in the midst of her career. I can’t speak for her but I have made two career changes since that time. It was amazing to see her – this woman from a whole different part of my life. What a nice reality check.
Supervision (group) at eleven, only – there is no more “group”: I am the only intern still needing this type of supervision. Two points of view: Yay, me! I get more solo-time from Susan which means I can delve further as there is no time constraint – however…there is also no comparison of “notes” or “modalities.” One of the most precious things to me here is hearing how others work with their clients. I love our therapist-office discussions…
..although today – WOW. Discussion was based on more “personal” issues, namely dating/men/online dating (I promise, I did NOT start this conversation)– and ooohhh, how I could dive right into this shit. We are humans, we are sensual beings, our bodies long to be touched, held, caressed (just repeating what a colleague was sharing). This colleague shared how making love as a male in his 40s differs so much from a male in his 20s – and then proceeded to describe things like treasuring the smell of her neck, the touch of her skin. I almost had to excuse myself( I wish I were kidding). To be fair – I followed the advice and today wore a very clingy dress. It looked pretty ok. Weird – how I am no longer comfortable in dresses when I used to be…. I used to flaunt myself about. I think it’s this extra “me” I am carrying, which yes, makes me more “curvy”, but I preferred the B-cup look. Following this mindset, I later challenged a client to go outside her comfort zone: client does “this”, and I will, for the next 2 days, wear dresses. #itsateameffort
Mags was having friends over to spend the night so I..headed to get burritos for Ethan and me (!!) and then to pick up pizza for Mags and her crew. Second meeting with someone from my past! This one was a sophomore at the high school when I worked there (is a senior now) and remembered me vividly as we often spoke. She explained how the school has changed in terms of staff. They have no homework – there is a half hour built into their block schedule for working on it. I brought it up to Ethan later, but even after only 3 days (HOLY FUCK – this has been the LONGEST school week ever!!), he said he wants to stay at Pondo. <yay!>
And so – to summarize: Not a word from Dude since last Thursday night. Today, as I blocked him (closure for me) I received a text from him. My thoughts are this: A) We have nothing “between” us, yet leaving me hanging mid-sentence in our convo is not really cool. This is no
t how I want to “potentially start” a relationship (boundaries!); He may have a “high-profile career” but that doesn’t give you the right to be (at best) inconsiderate and at worst, an inconsiderate asshole (more boundaries!!). I did respond to the text (because I’m not “that way” – but with “Hello. Wasn’t expecting to hear from you again.” This is bad, right? This is ok? Opinions? Anyone? There are more dates on the horizon(not with him) , but I have certainly mellowed in my expectations and I am more wary now than before (and I was pretty wary); this bullshit “hopeless romantic” side has got to go. I won’t delete the account again (though I have considered it) but after the 3 months is up, I am out. If I cannot “find” anyone, then I don’t find anyone, that simple. Yes, I get unbearably lonely at times, but I also know without question that I shall not “be” in a relationship if it isn’t right. I can affirm that currently I am not spitting in men’s faces, I am not scratching my crotch on dates and then shaking their hands, I wear acceptable clothing and engage in thoughtful, intelligent conversation. If there isn’t a “match”, it isn’t because of me, it’s because it isn’t right.. On another, more cheerful note, I STILL haven’t gotten my China Cat Sunflower signed and numbered poster from Fare Thee Well (which I did attend). It was supposed to be here Monday and has been in West Sac since early a.m. that day. Yesterday morning, I wrote DHL a letter of excitement and joy because I knew I would be getting the poster on the anniversary of Jerry’s death. This afternoon, I sent a mean email containing such phrases such as “Your service is deplorable” and “your customer service is reprehensible!”, finishing the letter off with “I shall tell all my friends to use other delivery methods”. I was pissed. 5 minutes after that, however, I modeled to the children that my behavior was wrong and I should have paused in my action before sending the email. Later, when they were in bed, I re-wrote DHL and apologized for my 10 year old’s behavior of voicing my frustrations by using this week’s spelling words. #damnkids
Pictures: Another reason why I love this Boy: he allows me to do this. On the night of his birth, I held him in my arms and we had a long talk about his life. I re-live this moment quarterly with him; bubble blowing for deep breathing exercises with my client. She blew 2 “bubble in a bubble.”
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