Sleeping in on a morning is something I love. It brings with it a freedom, a type of “fuck-you” to responsibilities. Yes, I have over-used mornings as retreat, an escape to rid myself of things like too much alcohol the night before (as a teenager), but as an adult I just use it as an escape from reality. There are so many studies which conclusively point to the benefits of sleep, so who am I to argue with good sleep hygiene?
I was kicked from the get-go: my back is radiating in pain and I cannot take a pain pill until later or my whole day is lost. Does the norco help? Absofuckinglutely. Does it allow me to do anything? No. I become far too tired, so I just sit and I cannot sit today. Does the prescribing doctor know my history? Always yes. I tell them all. Do I take as prescribed? Most certainly. The great thing about having gone “out” again in 1997 is that I lost so much and I am not willing to lose that again. So do I still consider myself sober? Ohmygod, yes! I do want to change the way I feel in that I don’t want to have this pain and want to be able to go to my shows (or even a hike with the dogs would be great). I know that it’s a serious situation when I start missing Mother Hips shows thinking about the pain. If I’m not better by early December, I think I will cry.
My plan today of studying for my law and ethics exam fell by the wayside as it did yesterday. Instead, I did laundry and watched/read training stuff on therapy. I think finding out that I actually had until February to take my exam was bad because now I’m not experiencing that sense of urgency. I do best under pressure. I need to let my guitar instructor know this so he can book a performance for me “in the public” – that’ll get me practicing.
By late afternoon – my backwas so bad I put myself to bed for a couple of hours before I needed to go get the kids. They had celebrated the birthday of one of their friends at Drake’s Beach and had hung out a bit in Novato. I picked them up at 6, and was reunited with my happy crew. I think the relationship we have is a good one, a strong one. There are many, many mistakes I have made; many I continue to make, especially with Ethan. He and I have a relations
hip which is much different from the one Maggie and I have and I am unable to define why…I just feel Ethan in a way that I do not experience with Maggie. Maggie has a self-confidence that I have never had, Ethan doubts himself – now that hat is a world I understand well.
Maggie’s birthday is coming up soon. I can’t believe that girl is already/only going to be 13. She seems so much older, yet is still my baby. I hope our relationship remains as strong as it is now, though I know we will experience hiccups. She appears to understand the ebb and flow of relationships, however, which is in her favor.
Picture: Years ago (6? 7?) the kids and I put this little froggy (on the wooden tiles) in the “froggy restaurant” – Que Viva, formerly Rogelio’s. It had so many frogs there, so when Ethan and Mags were babies that’;s what we called it. The name stuck and we donated to the cause.
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