I should have known…it has been pending, building…and today the dam broke. Feeling so broken, so worthless in my heart, while my brain tries to say “No, no no!” (or maybe it’s the other way around??) I know I’m not fat, I know I’m not stupid, I know I’m not ugly, yet everything in my soul tells me otherwise and it is hard to break out of these thoughts. Tears. Inner-anguish. Sadness. As a human being, I sometimes need someone to hold onto. Today, that someone was Maggie. I have spoken with my kids and they know this is who I am – but man, I sure wish I didn’t need to use them like this. Later, Maggie said, “Most of the time we lean on you, but sometimes you need to lean on us.” I’ve got some good kids.
So I try – Do One Thing – just One Small Thing, (today it was clean out a drawer) and then I feel a bit better, but i
t quickly fades. Today the plan was to meet with Johnny B for a meeting – it is these things which the Universe arranges “just so” that I cannot call it coincidence. I also heard from Tiffany; suddenly parts from my past were simultaneously in my present. I spent the next hour and a half with two very special friends and a few familiar faces. No, it isn’t that “I’m back”, I’ve just not been here, but it’s all good, I was exactly where I needed to be.
I was so hungry when I got home, so little Miss Maggie got dressed (her friend had been picked up) and we headed to Sky Sushi, for my “Good-bye, sushi” lunch. I have got to change my eating habits. I obviously cannot practice abstinence with food as I do with alcohol, but I go to such extremes. I wonder if the Whole30 isn’t too extreme for me too – no dairy, no sugar, no legumes, no grains, ye it results in such a wonderful way. I’m going to work on it again beginning Tuesday.
Maggie and I had a wonderful day together, by the time we got home it was 5:30 and we started our Lord of the Rings marathon which was interrupted halfway through by a call from my sister. Olivia and I talked for an hour. It hurts that she is in North Carolina and I am here. Her kids are growing up so quickly, but then, mine did too. It’s what happens it 
seems.
We finished the first movie and played a bit of Super Mario Brothers. The LoR movies are too long to marathon when it comes to long, emotional days, so we’ll watch tomorrow night. Tomorrow I need to plan – am I going to clean One Thing (because all this “stuff” is driving me mad) or will we go sit in a river so I can numb my back? I know I’ve spent a summer with 4 day weekends, but this one is different, I’ll get to spend it with my daughter. I started the day so low and am ending with gratitude in my heart and a smile on my face.
Pictures: Today’s Do One Thing with a little doll from Europe I’ve had fro decades; This is me before my shower. I know I am not “fat,” yet I have long struggled and still struggle with this concept of what I “should” look like. Please understand I realize the insanity of this whole topic.
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