I gotta be honest…I lost interest in LoR at the beginning of the second movie –and neither Mags nor I had any idea what was going on in the third one. It seemed every other scene was a war, so we stopped the last one about 30 minutes from the end. I slept. I awoke. High day yesterday, waking up to a lower day today. That’s how it goes.
This morning I had the opportunity to have my mind blown in methods and ways I’m not even conscious of…. I met with The Dr. for some help towards my groups, one of which will begin on Friday. I was astounded and much reminded of my philosophy class three-quarters of a score years ago (That’s Lincolnian for “15 years ago”) when I told my philosophy professor I had no idea what was going on in class and he assured me I knew more than I thought I did. This is the same thing The Dr. tells me which makes me think of this: By dipping my pinky toe into the water, I know what it’s like to skin-dive forty feet beneath the surface. It was, as they say, a wicked good morning.
When I got home, Mags assured me she would be going to her friend’s house soon, which made me kinda sad because…WHY?!? She is my daughter, she is supposed to go out. Plus, I have 3 men on Match who “are interested”, but for fuck’s sake, that’s just stupid. The bottom line is this: I say I am not really interested in a man because I say I really want to move in 5 years, but that may or may not happen. I am scared to move, scared to stay. Scared to get in a relationship, scared to be in a relationship, scared to do much of anything, really. Fear. Reminds me of some words I used to know in a certain Big Book: “The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear—primarily fear that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded.” (pg 76) Sounds familiar, huh?
Some interesting stuff happened tonight with my Boy. I’m not going to go into any of it because everything is peachy-pie and it really isn’t my business to share, but I have to say I am so proud of my son for opening up and talking with me tonight. He had a fun time with friends this weekend, but I had no idea that one of his classmates from his former school had moved to L.A. I do know that his best friends go either to Union Mine or are home-schooled, so he really doesn’t have any close friends at his school. I asked him to please stay open to talking with me and sharing things when life gets tough.
All-in-all, I have to reach out and thank my home-girl J-Ber for showing make a perspective I didn’t think of. As I told Ethan, I have been taught to jump to conclusions. Today was a prime example of why that is never a good idea. Glad I didn’t, for I would have missed an incredible moment as a mother.
Picture: A blizzard with a snowy background. Just kidding, there is no picture.
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