This morning went … from joy to heartbreak. This morning I danced closely with my son, swaying to “Oh Josephine” knowing that this is the song I will share with him for the mother/son dance at his wedding. We have gone through many struggles, he and I. Struggles I have felt right alongside with him. I know how depression tears down your soul and I also know the “fuck you, there’s nothing wrong with me” feeling. This morning, I held this young man in my arms and knew we’d soon be leaving for Sabrina’s memorial. The tears fell harder.
We stopped by The Bike Shop to pick up Ethan’s bike. He was remembered there and told that once he is old enough, he could work there if he likes. His face lit up. Ethan mentioned a few months ago that he was hoping to work here when he was old enough to get a work permit. So cool.
Yeah, so apparently I’m emotional. Crying after watching an Aussie compete well in an agility course several months ago should’ve been the first hint. Yet these last few weeks have been emotions taken to an entirely new level as our school has witnessed every parent’s worst nightmare in the loss of a child. Ethan and I went to the memorial, which was from ten until sunset. Once again, so many familiar faces that had been a part of my everyday life when I worked at CMP. I saw two young ladies who had been in the 6th grade class I’d co-taught in: I had thought of them just that morning as I put on a pair of “crazy” socks I’d bought because of them…and here they stood. The memorial was…heartbreaking. To hear dad talk about marrying and burying his daughter in the same year (weeks apart)…there was no holding back the tears. I saw kids, parents, so many… crying. And my boy, he knew…he let me h
old him and cry on his shoulder for quite some time…just after I’d written on last night’s post that I couldn’t do that.
I headed to Maggie’s volleyball tournament. Start time was one o’clock, yet for whatever reason, the girls didn’t play until two hours later. But I ran into someone whom I had worked with…she works at the place our J-Ber is moving to, and she is also an incredible volleyball coach, so I talked to her a bit about things Maggie could do to improve her game such as clinics and workshops. I also spoke to my “little one” about the dance last night and how it went. She had a wonderful time and…had some very exciting news about the boy she likes. But…I can’t go spilling the beans now, can I?
After a disappointing game, I headed back to the memorial. There were still many people there, a softball game was in session and I spotted Ethan in his outfielder position. I talked to Des and Tatjana – good talks…funny talks…realistic talks. I successfully said “no thanks” to many offers of cake, co-discussed dildos and silicone and something about not drinking alcohol. Then to hear Des reminisce that 9 weeks ago, not too far away, she had attended Sabrina’s wedding, and now here we were. Ethan and I left to go deliver some things, then headed home where we watched some tv together. I thanked The Boy for being there for me. Soon, I’ll go to bed for tomorrow – rain, San Francisco and lunch with Tim.
Pictures: Mags serves; Today
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