This morning, my daughter told me that I was wearing “too many layers.”
“Oh, but my darling,” I responded, “It’s perfect because I’m an onion.”
And I am. There’s this part of me – the “real” part, as I like to call her. Onion-like, I keep myself layered, peeling off parts when necessary. She keeps me in check….sometimes. I heard all those lovely words yesterday from Tim. I’ve heard them from others…we all have, right? Humanity is about being kind and supportive of others, and we do so through words (complimentary) and actions (being there for people). Yet the next morning, I wonder how I could have felt like that – all beautiful and talented because… look at me…. This is my alter-ego. The less-Than. A lovely British gentleman I work with questioned why I’m “always so down on myself.” I don’t see it as being “down” on myself, rather than staying humble. I think I can be confident while also being like the aforementioned, yes?
The morning was perfect because it was…cloudy and drizzling (later). I stepped outside onto the wet deck in my bare feet and inhaled that sweet smell as deeply as I could. At work, suddenly, somehow organization seemed to be taking center stage and t
his learning curve I’ve been experiencing is becoming shorter and less…curvy. It’s as if moving to Jen’s spot is feeding me knowledge and I’m gaining organization via osmosis. I was lucky to meet J-Ber for lunch. She was in her first day of training and I think she will enjoy it. She thinks so, too (which is most important, right?).
I headed back to the doctor. I have spent a lot of time, energy and money trying all sorts of remedies to keep this pain at bay: books, stuff, things, more stuff, different things. Fuck – I have missed 6 Hips shows? I’m selling tickets to Ween. Anyone who knows me surely understands this does not come lightly. And yet, because I am “upfront and honest” with the doctors each time, this one gave me a limit: 3 months of pain pills and that’s it – even though it took me 6 months, plus last time to heal. It’s shit like this that makes me not want to be honest. I am the one who is in tears, I am the one who doesn’t do anything I’d like because it hurts too badly, but this person – and I do understand why – won’t give me more pain pills. The funny thing (for me) is that my max amount of pills taken on 2 separate days (once for the Dead show and once last Saturday) is 6 pills. People I know took 30 pills, 50 pills, 75 pills a day. Yet…I I get 60 pills for the month and that’s it. Sigh…. Yes, I’m keeping my side of the street clean, to
be sure, but damn, I‘d make a shitty drug addict.
I got home and did a quick nap with the heating blanket on my back. I couldn’t nap for long though as I had an Important Event: I was chairing a meeting at an AA group, which is something I haven’t done for a good minute. It was at a place I have not been in years, and initially I was a worried because I am not following the “preferred method” done by many, and yet, I think about what AA’s primary purpose is – to be able to live life on life’s terms without the use of alcohol, that is exactly what I am doing. I have gone back to school – three times, gotten few more degrees and am now living the life I could never have lived had I been drinking. It was an incredible meeting – saw many faces I know and was able to experience one of those beautiful spiritual “aha” moments. I loveloveLOVE being sober.
Pictures: There she goes! Jen is off with her Star-Wars figures; My organized space where I’m getting shit done!
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