I remembered. I haven’t thought of this in a long time, yet thinking of the past as much as I have in the last week has surfaced many things which have been forgotten. He was my boss. He was in the AA program and owned the shop I worked in when I got my first little studio apartment after having been homeless. He didn’t “do” anything, but he offered. He made comments which made me want to crawl out of my skin, he wanted me to accompany him
on a cruise. Now how does a 23 year-old refuse such advances and still keep her job? Exactly. I didn’t.
There is a dark path my life had taken when the above happened. By this time, I was actually finding my way out of much worse. Why am I so adamant about women’s issues? Because there were many situations like the above, situations I was helpless to do anything about. I remember spending a lot of time on the phone with law enforcement, but there was nothing that could be done unless I captured his words on tape. In my life today I would no longer be so helpless, but then? I was paralyzed with fear. I was a kid, newly sober, struggling to make it on my own, far from home. Without this job I would lose my place to live and I didn’t want to be homeless again.
Mags had an even “superer-early” morning at school since they had to make hot choco
late and croissant sandwiches again, so girly-girl’s light was long on before I was even up. I think she said she was up at 5:30. Ahhh, the incentive of seeing that special face is wonderful, I know. The Boy had originally said he wanted to go to school early, as well, but when I checked on him he said he’d changed his mind. Smart kid. He is very tired lately, so his body his hard at work at becoming “manly.” My babies. It seems in the last month, something indescribable has happened and the future is becoming the present much faster than I want it to.
I was spinning. As committed as I’ve been to making sure ‘someone’ is taking their medication, I’ve neglected myself and today am feeling the effects. I went to work, finished closing files, switching clients from one funder to another, and building up group material. It’s tough to make a relapse prevention class “fun” and “engrossing:, especially if you are 17 and aren’t ready to quit using yet. I understand this well because I know: I have been there. The least I can do is plant some seeds, understand, listen, and be accepting. I want these kids to know I care about them.
I came home and went straight to bed. I’m feeling horrible – not just physically with this spinning head and hurting back, but emotionally. I feel absolutely disgusting and though I know what I have to do to feel better, I can’t bring myself to do it. Dr of osteopathy appointment Tuesday and my MRI is the 21st, so hopefully I am closer to a solution with that and my SSRI medication has been refilled.
Pictures: My “Smash the patriarchy” sticker got its special place on my Lizzie; A shot Mags snapped as I was driving her to school this morning.
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