Today I celebrate twelve years of being sober, of not taking a drink, of living life one day at a time. In
those twelve years, I have divorced and I have lost my father. I have also lost more than that, yet I never had to pick up a drink. I have learned, “after having tried it again once” that it still doesn’t work for me. I’vee gained many new families: a huge world-wide sober family as well as a group of music lovers, therapist colleagues and more. I have learned how okay it is, for lack of a better term, to be single and on my own. I have learned that “I am enough.”
Today has been five years since I lost my unborn child Ryan. As soon as Maggie heard that today was my soberversary, she said “Ryan would have been 5” – which isn’t quite correct, but we consider his deathday to be his birthday. My children would have been the most incredible older siblings, especially to this special child.
My work day was worky. It is days like today that I wonder what I’m really doing…what am I really accomplishing. It’s one of those beige shag rug days of blah, blah, blah. There’s the beige sofa, the beige chair, the beige lamp shade and there doesn’t seem to be much point to the whole ensemble at all until BAM! A bright red pillow appears and suddenly all the beige makes sense. We needed the beige to make it safe enough for the red to appear, tying it all together. I know those days happen – I have experienced many. It’s being patient and allowing beige to BE. Sidenote: I am not a decorator, nor do I play one on tv. This is the best way I could describe days like today.
I was hoping a child would be home when I arrived early-ish from work today. This house is so empty without my little-ones. I guess they’re big now, considering both are taller than me. Biggles? L dropped them off, congratulating me on my twelve years. I remember that last night of drinking so well (surprisingly): The kids were put to bed and I st
arted with the white wine, putting it a plastic cup. L sat up with me a while as I continued drinking, but soon went to bed. I saw Jay Leno was interviewing the dad from American Chopper and I wanted to record it for him on the DVR. I remember stumbling about…oh, so happy about how surprised and happy he’d be regarding my thoughtfulness. After 2 or 3 bottle, of wine, I passed out. When I came to the next morning, I knew it was over and I could no longer live a life where my children would have to step over the passed out body of their drunken mother. I called AA and came back home.
Of course, yesterday, on the last day, there was a message from a man and this one seems different. We spoke today and shall meet on Sunday. We will see…..
Pictures: Life – flowers and a 12 year chip from Mike, an very special AA friend I’ve known for years. He recently celebrated 40 years, I believe?; Death – for the time ever, we spotted vultures over our house. A special message from Ryan.
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