I’m can’t prove it, but I felt something. I awoke at one in the morning and saw that I had received a message ..which I promptly deleted. Not gonna play. Oh but the thunder! Gawd, it was so intense and beautiful. A strong rain shower – perfect at 2 in the morning..and then, I could not fall back asleep. Thoughts of my upcoming MRI made sleep difficult because…what if? What if there was nothing? Then what? Yet memories of all the pain, missed events, time in bed…and I knew there is something going on.
In to the office, again so early – to work on revamping the group, which was very insightful in many ways today. A client and suddenly remembering so many “just one more things!” that I had forgotten. Erggg. Off to the MRI!
The MRI place – University Imaging in Sacramento was hundreds of dollars less than my local MRI place, and they were so kind. I undress, got into my fancy scrubs (I’m buying myself a pair asap), put on my cozy socks with the smiley faces and waited. Not even two minutes passed by in my (dare I say) luxurious waiting room and she was ready for me. The 20 minutes was soothing. I was supplied with ear plugs and each of the different sounds made me think of an island. I focused on my breathing and before I knew it, the MRI was over. I was handed a CD with the pictures and home I drove.
At home Ethan had a beautiful fire awaiting me. He had argud with me that it isn’t even cold (true), but really…a fire makes everything perfect – especially when accompanied by rain (which happened at 7 something). I quickly made dinner – gehacktes, a favorite Swiss dish, and we ate. Then homework, which was tough because while essays make sense to me and I enjoy the philosophical head games, my boy isn’t like me – he thinks in linear fashion. It was easily obvious that his math teacher for the previous two years explained math in a way he couldn’t understand, so now he has someone who speaks his
language. We’ll have to find him a translator for English and essays.
In a message to my past today, I was able to admit that I had my own way of running away many years ago, myself. I felt trapped and terrified I would be homeless again when I lost my job after refusing advances from my boss, so I married someone who could guarantee I would have a home, then guarantee the marriage would not be successful (because “wife number 7” is not the charm). We all have our demons of the past. Some of us (me) had to go a little further in making mistakes and then cleaning up our past. I have a questionable past. I had child I gave up for adoption. I’ve been married and divorced twice. I can’t find someone to be in a relationship with, and when I do find someone, it is someone who is unavailable, either emotionally or for some other reason. I do this to keep myself “safe” from being hurt – everyone who reads these has figured out as much, and yet when I really have tried and been interested, I never hear back. So I’m supposed to be single for a while longer. It’s interesting to be sure. I know I appreciate the synchronicity.
Pictures: Spring Fling 2004 – my sober year; I got my “Pussy Grabs Back” Tshirt!! Let the absentee-ballot delivery begin (on November 8)!!
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