January 2, 2017

Waiting. I’m doing this rather impatiently, trying to find excuses and manipulations so that I have a reason to call or text him, and yet…despite all the “go” signs, and there were so many in the beginning, it would appear that interest has waned. Distance could be a factor….still, though short and sweet, it certainly reignited emotions in me.

fullsizerender5 Love. I’ve decided this year I will be open to it. I will “lean into the discomfort”, the insecurity, the vulnerable moments. I will welcome the pangs in my heart and the knots in my stomach, because briefly, ever so briefly in these weeks, my heart was overjoyed at feeling wanted. It was a nice feeling.

Parenting. I have found in this last month that it can be a challenge. Of course it’s tough when they are pre-verbal and can’t communicate – you wonder why they are screaming like they are dying. It’s heart-wrenching when they don’t want you to leave pre-school and those big, tear-soaked eyes gaze up at you with a bottom lip so big, you fear it will trip you as you head to the door. Yet when they are teens, are learning who they are and trying to see if it really is like you said it was, well…that’s when you have to be there with love. You have to be there to be transparent in your conversations…. It is interesting, and tough, and exciting, and scary, but Larry and I are doing a great job, I think, raising this kid. He’s gonna be fuckin’ fine.

A mother who turned 70 today – it cannot be! That would mean I am…45

Time to meditate. My laptop stays outside of bedroom (unless I’m writing) and my cell phone is so much lighter now that there is no reason to use it other than a phone (or music, or Google, or calendar, or calculator, or weather check, stock market summaries, waze, thesaurus, baseball (in season, so I guess now doesn’t count, and finally, alarm!), it is much lighter! Day two. Only 363 to go!!