I wish I could paint a prettier picture, but this morning as I was peeing, I realized that 
the wall was down and I was ready to open my heart to love. I may have “felt” this way in the last five years, but there is a joyous feeling of anticipation this time, rather than dread. I’d say that’s a good sign.
It was terrific being back at my school site – especially on a snowy day where many kids didn’t make it in (but I did in my bad-ass 2WD Mazda). Later, back to JUVENILE HALL for a meeting. It was WONDERFUL!! A snippet of conversation later that day with Maggie:
Me: “Oh, my GAWD! I LOOOVVVEEDDDD being back at juvenile hall, I’m so excited to be there!!” Maggie: “Well, there’s something ya don’t hear every day.”
Mags, in her attempts (dare I say “quest”?) to help me “find a man” remembered I’d said a co-worker told me that Victoria’s Secret “Love Spell” was like bees to a flower when it came to men, so of her own accord she bought me one.
I collected Maggie later and took her to her volleyball practice up in Camino. The dark, stormy night blowing away every hope, yet pulling from me that rebellious streak that screams, “Come on, you fucker!” I have no idea what that has to do with volleyball or my precious daughter, but really, come ON, fucker.
And so…on this day, where I am ready to open myself to love again, there was a silent (and therefore deafening) lack of acknowledgement, despite. I know this (love) is a numbers game…yet the first interest shown/returned and it ends as quickly as it began. Goddamn it. I’m still open to love, asshole.
Pics n’ vid: Mags reppin the Brothers Comatose: Her gift to me. Twenty Pilots “Migraine” – my latest theme song….”‘Cause sometimes to stay alive you gotta kill your mind.”
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