My day began early, sometime after 4 o’clock in the morning again. A realistic dream of a green, potential-deadly insect had me jumping out of bed, and after such excitement I couldn’t fall sleep again. The alarm was set for five, another volleyball tournament on our first day of spring break.
And unusual name returned to me to my past, to the ex-wife of someone I once knew, the same someone whose birthday was a week or so ago. Suddenly, I was looking at pictures of his daughter now an actress in Texas. Should I reach out?
First games were won, yet a long day awaited me: I was crushed: tension with L, so I left to buy Ethan a book so he could continue his homework, only to find (create?) issues there. I didn’t want to engage in struggles with Ethan, whose learning is different than others. He shuts down, so I try numerous ways to explain things to him. It’s very frustrating.
I want to run away. Leave all of this behind me and just escape for a while. I can’t do it the way I used to, so now what? I feel so damn alone at times! I love my kids, but they are children, not adults. Connection, relationship – that is everything. I have many friends, and people who care about me, I know, but…I have no connection, and sometimes, li
ke today, it’s fucking hard.
I dropped the boy off at a house on the mountain (I wrote down the address in case I need to call the police later). As he walked in the door, another car stopped, and a girl with purple hair got out, walking into the house after him. After some serious texting with him about what was going on, I started (slowly) to leave. I gotta let go.
PS – I wrote them.
Pictures: Mags serves; Sunset behind the vineyard.
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