A dream awoke me this morning. An empty, hollow dream which only reminded me of the fact that I will be leaving importantcies (a new word I needed to create) which have been the focus of my life since I have lived in Northern California. It devastates me and bleeds a fear into me which resides deep in my marrow, my inner soul. I understand this fear is temporary, and I must only experience it for a short while, then it will leave, replaced again by excited anticipation.
As I sat in my car yesterday , preparing with excited anticipation to join the hustle of women preparing for significant days, I received a text from an old friend. Though I did not know this person well, we share a similar history which forever links us together in a Life Understanding. He often texts me silly jokes, or wise realizations. Yesterday he told me it was time to say goodbye and he thanked me for what I had brought to his life. I cried. Fuck you, cancer.
Yesterday was also the complete opposite of what I wanted it to be. I was joyous and still convinced that I continue to be this human who continues to effortlessly glide through other aspects of life which often throw a major wrench into the lives of others, in this case, trying on wedding dresses. Not anymore. Truth be told, I was never that person to “glide through effortlessly”… I’ve always been a frighten girl, stumbling through with a cloak of false bravado. My nonchalance was actually insecurity, never thinking I was enough to wear that big beautiful dress, that Princess Diana wedding attire and going instead for the simple dress. Eventually I saw, along with the world, that even Princess Diana didn’t fit in that fairy-tale gown, symbolic of the expectations put on us by Self and others.
Yet none of these thoughts were evident to me yet. I walked into the bridal shop, quickly overwhelmed by sequins, lace, taffeta and tulle. The pink, blotchy skin I didn’t cover with makeup stared at me sullenly, as the young size 4’s and 6’s tried in their wedding gowns bridesmaid dresses, surrounded by family and friends. The last time I did this, 17 years ago, I was also alone. I do this to myself.
After promising to return in two weeks with a different mindset, I sat in my car and 
cried as Derek told me how he loved me. There is so much taking place in my life: love, marriage, leaving my work, my precious babies, death, finishing my hours, a new career and fear of step-parenting. I headed to JoAnne’s Fabrics, to become more proactive. With Derek in my ear, I selected materials for garlands and changed my Day’s direction. Later, Universe showed me that All is Good with New Love and an opportunity to strengthen my relationship with my son in a very personal discussion. Life is good. It is Very Good, indeed.
Pics: Wedding dress chaos; New Love; Beta transcription errors.
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