The day began…knowing this was my last morning in California in my home with my kids. Such bittersweet emotions. All morning, tears spontaneously streaming down my face as a long forgotten memory resurfaced, or simply a fiercely tight hug given to my from either of my children. My son, stoic, yet sensitive; my girl, her eyes matching mine, red and swollen. This is a very difficult day.
I sat in Maggie’s bed, her body enveloped by my arms. Ethan stood next to me, his hands on my arms. “Sometimes,” my voice staccato’ with tears, “you have to do the very difficult things because you know it is the right thing. If you don’t, you’ll be unhappy and stuck.” My children nodded in agreement, though knowing doesn’t lessen the pain.
I understand beyond a shadow of doubt that Derek and I belong together. Words fail us both, yet for us the words are unnecessary. What is and has taken place to make the togetherness a reality, however, has been painful. I cannot lie. My children are my world. They have been front and center in my life since the day they entered. I have fought to make them independent and self-sufficient. I did my best not to spoil them and raise them understanding the importance of Relationship.
It would have been negligent, therefore, to put me and Derek on hold until after they graduated high school, which was our initial plan. While nothing will ever replace our daily interactions, I have been told (I’m not at the point yet where I believe this) that my job as their Childhood Teacher of Important Life Lessons is complete and their father now gets the joy of raising them as teens.
And so, Day One of my exit out of California is nearing its end as I finally spend the night in Lone Pine with my beloved husband, who told me from the beginning that he is absolutely okay in being second, knowing my kids are my first. I’m glad I believe in three-way ties….
Picture: my Yeti filled with frozen cranberries and my SCOBY.
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