Author: iamunzer

Without going too far, the deets are as such:  he’s rather young, he might want kids.  My kid-making days are in pre-retirement phase.  This is kind of a huge deal.  Ethan and Maggie’s dad was 35 when I met him – so there is still a lot of  time for that in his life.  Still – musician, lives in Oakland, his career, his characteristics…it was a very promising beginning.  Seems age really doesn’t matter, depending on the individual; I couldn’t get in anyone’s way about kids, though.

A late night spent picking VW parts, I opened the window to hear that glorious rain. I thought my night would be wonderful…yet it was so warm.  I missed shivering under my blanket tent, reading the news.

I also discovered that I have a statue of Shiva Nataraja, which I find quite fitting: the dance of Shiva Nataraja “the purpose  is to release the souls of all men from the snare of illusion”… so I put it on my Native American/ Buddhist altar.  Why not add a little Hindu?  Illusion = symbolism.  Got that, CS?  BE AWARE.

Today was the first day since Christmas Eve that both kids eventually  were home.  Ethan was at a friend’s house for all but 2-3 days of the 3 week vacation, Mags was around more, but not by too much.  Meanwhile the creeks are rising something fierce, the trees are heavy with water and the earth is too soft in many places to support them.  I love rain….this is my jam.

An excited week ahead of me, I hope.  Can’t wait for my juvie days.

Pictures: Rainy Sunday

I think my non-existent month-long non-relationship ended today.  Fuck.  First guy in 7 years I’ve been interested in.  Not gonna lie – I don’t want to wait another 7 years to be held after lovemaking.

It turns out my ex-husband was wonderfully helpful in supporting me while sharing his opinion on the matter.  Our relationship has continued to progress, despite a brief pause after our divorce.  We have talked to each other about relationship issues and I love that!  Plus, it’s nice to hear your child say it seems as if you were still married, just living in different houses.

I’m thrilled to be back in juvenile hall and am pleased to hear I’m doing well at work.  I told my daughter that lately I’ve developed a “fuck it” attitude (decisive??) and it seems to be paying off.  I’ve also been doing well with some changes in my life, although I notice that when I don’t post on social media, I don’t feel as “committed” to writing.  Ashamedly, I’m going back  to posting.

I have met an amazing person who completely refurbishes VW buses.  I’m composing a list right now of OEM items to buy so Lizzie will be ready by Hipnic.

And so, I trudge the road to happy destiny as I acknowledge a great time and move ahead.  It’s a numbers game, I hear.  One down.

Picture:  I undressed the tree today – burned candles down before I did so.  Haven’t added water since Christmas Eve – a lit candle fell on the branch as the tree shook (I was still removing decorations) and it STILL didn’t catch on fire.

I wish I could paint a prettier picture, but this morning as I was peeing, I realized that the wall was down and I was ready to open my heart to love.  I may have “felt” this way in the last five years, but there is a joyous feeling of anticipation this time, rather than dread.  I’d say that’s a good sign.

It was terrific being back at my school site – especially on a snowy day where many kids didn’t make it in (but I did in my bad-ass 2WD Mazda).  Later, back to JUVENILE HALL for a meeting.  It was WONDERFUL!! A snippet of conversation later that day with Maggie:

Me: “Oh, my GAWD!  I LOOOVVVEEDDDD being back at juvenile hall, I’m so excited to be there!!”                                                                                                                                     Maggie: “Well, there’s something ya don’t hear every day.”

Mags, in her attempts (dare I say “quest”?) to help me “find a man” remembered I’d said a co-worker told me that Victoria’s Secret “Love Spell” was like bees to a flower when it came to men, so of her own accord she bought me one.

I collected Maggie later and took her to her volleyball practice up in Camino.  The dark, stormy night blowing away every hope, yet pulling from me that rebellious streak that screams, “Come on, you fucker!”  I have no idea what that has to do with volleyball or my precious daughter, but really, come ON, fucker.

And so…on this day, where I am ready to open myself to love again, there was a silent (and therefore deafening) lack of acknowledgement, despite.  I know this (love) is a numbers game…yet the first interest shown/returned and it ends as quickly as it began.  Goddamn it. I’m still open to love, asshole.

Pics n’ vid: Mags reppin the Brothers Comatose: Her gift to me. Twenty Pilots “Migraine”  – my latest theme song….”‘Cause sometimes to stay alive you gotta kill your mind.”

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Waiting.  I’m doing this rather impatiently, trying to find excuses and manipulations so that I have a reason to call or text him, and yet…despite all the “go” signs, and there were so many in the beginning, it would appear that interest has waned.  Distance could be a factor….still, though short and sweet, it certainly reignited emotions in me.

Love.  I’ve decided this year I will be open to it.  I will “lean into the discomfort”, the insecurity, the vulnerable moments.  I will welcome the pangs in my heart and the knots in my stomach, because briefly, ever so briefly in these weeks, my heart was overjoyed at feeling wanted.  It was a nice feeling.

Parenting.  I have found in this last month that it can be a challenge.  Of course it’s tough when they are pre-verbal and can’t communicate – you wonder why they are screaming like they are dying.  It’s heart-wrenching when they don’t want you to leave pre-school and those big, tear-soaked eyes gaze up at you with a bottom lip so big, you fear it will trip you as you head to the door.  Yet when they are teens, are learning who they are and trying  to see if it really is like you said it was, well…that’s when you have to be there with love.  You have to be there to be transparent in your conversations….  It is interesting, and tough, and exciting, and scary, but Larry and I are doing a great job, I think, raising this kid.  He’s gonna be fuckin’ fine.

A mother who turned 70 today – it cannot be!  That would mean I am…45

Time to meditate.  My laptop stays outside of bedroom (unless I’m writing) and my cell phone is so much lighter now that there is no reason to use it other than a phone (or music, or Google, or calendar, or calculator, or weather check, stock market summaries, waze, thesaurus, baseball (in season, so I guess now doesn’t count, and finally, alarm!), it is much lighter!  Day two.  Only 363 to go!!

Pic ‘n vid – Today’s Wicked Tree was so much more incredible than this picture shows; I dig this video.

Sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll. It has been a helluva month since I last posted.  Twice, I was taken unaware (and these won’t be talked about as they are personal), yet with the rock ‘n roll, it was so simple to fall back into the same frenzied flow of movement as the music made me come alive again.  CRB ,Hipsmas, then NYE.  It’s going to be a year with power.  In looking at my old blog post from last January, I notice many similarities: focus more on writing, less distraction (FB), and more DOING rather than intention.

Pausing.  I am ingrained with an intrinsic need to share Truths about myself – so much so that I am sure many run fast for the hills to avoid the train wreck they think they have just met.  Yet, I’m no longer a train wreck.  Through years of hard work and time, I have undamaged myself to the depths of any “normal” human.

Time.  Taking this time and doing what is right for me.  STOP the fricking Facebook (I took the apps off my phone and other than shows and fests  – so I can post pics – I’ll keepit off.  This will take some getting used to, but I’m tired of having that phone attached to my hand. I will also, after today, no longer post my blog on Facebook.  If you want to read it, may I suggest bookmarking or following the blog.

 

Sleep, work, write, meditate, climb, hike, love.  These are my goals for this year.  I signed up at Pipeworks and would like to climb 2-3 times a week.  I’m grateful I signed up for a new life insurance policy before resuming.  Getting away with scuba diving was bad enough.

I wish you all a Happy New Year.  Love One Another. “Here we go!”

Pictures & video: Wicked Tree and Buddha; A vineyard near my home; My January 1st video, “STOP!”by Jane’s Addiction.

I slept fabulously.   Of course I did, how could I not?  That bed…I’m up to 5 pillows which I arrange around me every night.  <grin>  It’s frickin’ awesome. I was up about 30 minutes before the alarm went off, around 5:17.

Yesterday morning was fabulous with the O’Jay’s “Love Train” starting my day .  Today I enjoyed Twenty-One Pilots.  I’m super excited because I bought tickets for Maggie and me as a gift to her for Christmas.  General admission, super costly, but she has discovered her love of concerts and to be fair, Twenty-Pilots is great. I hope she likes it, I know we’ll have fun.

Today was a light day: group supervision, then I put together some re-auths and go to know the new colleague.  My supervisor  feels (and I agree) that it really is beginning to click for me.  I remember someone told me when I first got there that it took about three years to “get it” – I’m 2/3s of the way there.

I headed down the hill to Dr. Russo for the second session.  He feels I am doing exceptionally well and that he can help me in more 5 sessions.  I think it can happen, too.  He is able to point out injuries I experienced long ago and the way he explains the healing process to me makes sense – it aligns well with Eastern medicine philosophy.

On the way home I stopped for a little eyebrow maintenance, since tomorrow is a Very Special Day: Nacho Friday.  I wanna look good for my ma…I mean food. Got home and kids were already there, watching the new Jungle Book.  I shared how I had sung “Bare Necessities” just yesterday to my client. It’s a great therapeutic tool.  🙂   They’d already eaten, so I made my dinner and we “Bye, Felecia’d” Bagheera together.   Days like this are “Just Another Day”, yet these days are my Beautiful Days, because it’s more time added to my crown of glory in getting to experience these moments with my kids.

Pictures: Kindergarten creations at a school site; A kickass bumper sticker that will get a spot on Lizzie when she’s back (probably another month.”  Thank you, G.W!!!

I forgot to mention my bladder.  Yesterday when the doctor was checking out my vertebrae, he noticed, whether via the MRI scan or through touch, my L3 vertebrae.  He mentioned I must have the bladder the size of a teacup mouse. HOW did this man KNOW this?  In amazement I told him of my long-time plan to create a DIY pain-free catheter system for nighttime journey folks like me.

I headed to bed early, which is always good.  I enjoy my winter sleep.  And I’m soooo close.  Soon.

Headed to my site to visit my little ball of sunshine.  My goodness.  This kid make me miss having littles.  We are both in mourning due to a missing “I heart cats” shirt.  This kid is also wondering why I still haven’t created my Swiss cheese Halloween (Christmas??) costume.  I need to get on it.

Long day, busy day.  One more client is close to finishing up, another client is digging a deeper hole,.  I am familiar with the latter, as it is what I excelled in from  post-accident 16 to about 26.  No lie.

After work I headed to go pick up some Christmas light and outdoor decorations at Home Depot.  There will be little ones here for Christmas, so we are going all out!  No inflatable stuff though.  I’d pop that shit before it was ever even inflated.  I have learned (see previous post).

Picture: The first snow surprised the Fall ❤

I didn’t get the hours of sleep I usually do last night –  between 5 and 6.  Icky.  Still, there’s a lot of bad shit going on in this world, so my short little sleep is absolutely nothing to complain about. 

I had just dropped Ethan off and headed to Maggie’s school when “Hand Clap” by Fitz and the tantrums came on.  Maggie and I both started car dancing together, her in the backseat,  and smiling – one of those unexpected, beautiful moments of bonding.  That girl is turning me to a pop-listener.  I hold fast on my “No Bieber, no Kanye” rule, but I’m really digging some of these tunes.

Things are clicking with me, more and more.  Granted, I was told from the very beginning that it is a tremendous learning curve, yet my ego kept assuring me I’d “get it” faster.  Nope, not by a long shot.  Still, this sense of “okayness” with my map starting to take shape is very gratifying.  From someone who had no idea in grad school what my preferred population was, only to shift towards adolescents, particularly those in juvenile hall, and  see the trauma-focus gathering speed, I like it.

I headed to the doctor.  I went in with high expectations because I heard a powerful story, so I was hoping for delivery.  This man, who is very kind and very vocal about his relationship with God (there were bibles in each of the rooms I was in) explained things to me which make sense.  He is a chiropractor, however not a pop-n-crack chiropractor in the traditional sense.  He uses a vertebral distraction pump to slide the disc back to the correct anatomical position.  This man, who knew nothing other than I had suffered a TBA and was in a coma, was able to tell me where I sustained my head injury to the exact point because of my skull.  Blew me away. My L1-L5 vertebrates are bad and it will take about 6 visits, but he feels he can help.  Next visit is Thursday.

At home I made my first casserole from leftovers. I’m not a casserole person, so this is grown-up-shit for me.  Mags loved it. The jury is still out with Ethan.  As for me, I stuck with my dinner-plan.  It gets really tough sometimes, because food is my significant-other right now, but every time I get discouraged, I touch my collarbone and carry one. I am down to about 2.5 days til nachos.   I.Can’t.Wait.

Pictures: Snow in Pollock: Our beautiful Nature Walk in Camino; It won’t be long before these El Dorado hills are covered with buildings; And far off in the distance, Ranch Seco, which was decommissioned years ago <and I went scuba diving with one of the engineers who was involved in the process> looks as if it has a ghost….

Around something or something, I awoke enough to think, “Did I set my alarm?”  Then I had a long, drawn out argument with myself over “Of course I did” “Oh no, I did not!”…back and forth until finally at 5:14 I turned on the light and realized, oh no, I did not….  I got up.  When you’ve just lost an argument to yourself, there isn’t much point in sleeping in, there’s no sense of victory.

I felt slinky and svelte in black. Better food choices really make a difference, although I have mental affairs on my spinach all the time.  This is why I cannot wait till Friday: no sugar, but lots of “fuck yeahs!” with Mexican food.

Work went well.  I met our newest person and caught some really good vibes.  It was a very busy day with some terrific occurrences:  a client opening up after weeks of denial, another with great insight.  These are good things.  An emergency session was cancelled so I was able to go see my therapist.

Here more stories poured out – she remarked on the incredible contrasts in my life.  Yep – there have been some extremes, to be sure.  I also was able to schedule my next law and ethics exam – and this time I’m not concerned about not passing, because I know I will.  I am able to look at vignettes and understand what is being sought.  “What is the impairment?”  A cool lady in a cape used to ask me that.

Home to my kids, who weren’t home yet, but you get the point.  I cooked myself my dinner and later spoke with my BFF from da ‘hood.  Soon, the whirlwind which is December (this is the first year it will be like this for me) will begin and with it, much music (I hope) which will soothe my soul a little bit.

Pictures: Mabi, catching some relation from the fire that only took my 45 minutes to start (what.the.fuck.am.I.doing??); Next Thursday’s plans.

A quiet morning – no kids, not that they are usually up before me, though yesterday proved differently.

It took me forever to get a fire going again.  What the hell?  Once it was going, I did a bit of cleaning and then prepared for creating my ultimate set list. With the fire going and songs playing, I was ready.

It didn’t really take me that long:   I had composed complete lists from all the albums and had a list of other songs they play (Neil Young, Merle Haggard, Johnny Cash, Everly Brothers) and then I went for it.  I don’t have high expectations of it getting anywhere though, and it was fun to do.

I had to pick Maggie up at her friend’s house – but not just a neighborhood – this is in Serrano, with the gate and the guard and you have to tell them where you are going, how long you expect to be there and show them driver’s license.  I HATE THIS. Talk about a re-surfacing of my issues.  Mags didn’t answer my texts or my calls, so I sat there and waited as the guard kept looking at me and residents drove past.  I had just turned around to leave when she responded.  Seriously…they need transit so my kid can go to all these fancy places on her own (seriously – 2 of her close friends live here and another lives on a vineyard estate.  This is NOT a coincidence, but I refuse to learn my lesson.

Picking up Ethan was next on the list.  It was dark by now and Mags hopped out of the car to run to get him.  I was on my phone (of course) when suddenly Ethan slammed against the window really hard to scare me.  He succeeded.  He also pissed me off beyond belief.  “Goddamit, Ethan!  Don’t ever do that again!” I yelled at him, then I backed up the car and burst into tears.  I cried for the next 10 minutes…no idea why, but it really got me.  Not a word on the whole car ride home.  I recall hating such car rides as a kid and can emphatically state I don’t care them as a mom, either.  When we got home, I walked in the house, without a word, as did he.  About an hour later, I went into his room to speak with him.  I didn’t apologize for my reaction, because I have nothing to apologize for, but it felt good being able to resolve the issue.  Soon, all was good again.  Back to the work week.  Dammit, I like vacation.

Picture: sunset in an ocean of clouds.