Author: iamunzer

I SWORE it was Saturday when I got up this morning.  Goddammit.

I was in pain almost immediately – much more than normal.  This one has an added bruising feeling on top of everything else.   I reported it later to the surgery center when they called to check in on me.  I’m also relieved I called the orthopedist because once again (this is the third time) the doctor’s office hasn’t sent the report.  I gave them the number to the MRI imaging place and should hear tomorrow if something can be done.

I had the annual IEP with The Boy today.  I’m not sure this is something I should broadcast, but it’s real and it’s what is happening, so…here I go.  The kid rocked it.  For 12 years (I’m counting preschool) he has hated it.  He has struggled in school and become his own worst enemy, doubting his ability to do things.  This morning I read 6 pages from 6 teachers who commented on how WELL he is doing.  He was not missing any work (a near impossibility to hear of in IEP meetings), he is excelling in one of his gen ed classes, pulling an average of 98% on quizzes and the counselor was extremely impressed (mind blown) with something else, but for the life of my I can’t remember what it is.    I’ll see when they mail me the corrected paperwork back. He has all A’s except 2 are mid Cs and he really wants to pull those up to B’s.  He has already accomplished 2 of the goals, so those were crossed off.  I’m so damn proud of my kid!!

Work was terrific – a tough kid started opening up to me, I heard terrific news about another one of my kids and I’ll be going back to juvie PERMANENTLY in the new year!! I promised the head officer I’d find appropriate shirts/bras so that the nipples aren’t “at attention” (which they are – these girls are focused). I remember how difficult it was for her to have to confront me with that, but it didn’t bother me at all. 

Home to my kids where I cooked myself dinner (they already ate).  I have my exam next Friday, so this rainy weekend will be spent studying with a warm cozy fire (hopefully).  I hope to hear good news from the surgeon on if he thinks he can help and certainly hope the shot kicks in so I can enjoy my December.  I’ll be doing a LOT of driving to SF.

Pictures: Today’s clouds; This rock gave me hope.  The high school students sprayed this a few days ago.  Good to see in a red county (last dem to win the county was Carter in 76).

Underwear would have been a good idea today, just ‘cause.  I still maintain my uncomfortable-thigh-band-underwear issue, but I suppose that’s for another argument.  I digress.

The day began earlier than usual because past 7:15 I had to fast, so I got up a little earlier to fully enjoy my morning routine.  I was hurting for the get-go, which wasn’t good.  Another word of advice: pain meds and an empty stomach are not a terrific combo. I just wanted to sleep.  At my site, the kids were in testing before a day of early release, so instead of working with them, I studied the trauma therapy from the workshop.

Then – I headed down.  I floated through everything – I’m healthy, so intake was a snap, then I undressed <they gave me a NEW pair of “back socks” (as I like to call them)>.  The gown was a little confusing, but I reveled in my naked-as-a-jaybird attitude and imagined I was on a photo shoot.  Naked and proud, baby.  When I was finally wheeled into the “operating room” it was scary as hell, but only because of my brain.  I looked at my mala beads, my chakra wrist tattoo and all the cutting scars on my arm from my difficult years as a teen and focused on my breathing.  Within minutes it was over. I felt a warm ribbon of liquid traveling inside my leg as the cortisone began its work.  And that was that it.  I walked out – no baby or anything.  Weird.

I sat in my car for about 20 minutes, drinking water, eating my lunch, and watching things around me.  I COULD have gone back to work – but as I remembered on the way there, there was no work to be done.  Kids got out early today after their testing, so I headed home after all.  Within minutes, I was in bed and somehow I fell asleep (which proves something, just not sure what).

I picked up The Boy from a friend’s house, the girl is home from her dad’s.  A fire is dying in the wood stove, even though it’s not very cold outside and I spent some precious time communicated with someone that I wish lived much closer.  There’s a lot going on in this head of mine tonight.  I need to put her to bed before she starts thinking crazy shit, but I know this:  things are about to get gooder.

Pictures: The Super Moon saying “Good Morning” after her nightly escapade; My  lucky epidural socks. to joining my lucky MRI socks.  Lucky surgery socks would close the trifecta

Is there something  such as phantom poop (similar to phantom pain)?  I swear I stepped in something this morning when I went into Ethan’s room this morning, although a serious inspection of my feet and the floor showed nothing.  Still, I felt it…. <insert creepy, eerie sound>

Gorgeous, gorgeous scene this morning from the kitchen.  As much as I want to stop being a renter, I will miss the view of my Wicked Tree dreadfully.  Headed to work where, finally, after 2 in-vain attempts, I was able to get to my school site to pick up a kid for intake, only, she wasn’t there.  Humph.  I also got my feelings hurt.  It wasn’t intentional by any means (I know this) but I’m overly-sensitive.  Great news! We have a new therapist at work and her specialization is…(drum roll) trauma!  She is also going to the van der Kolk workshop in SF, which thrills me.   I’ll switch my king bed to two queens and we can share my room in the Sunset district.  Of course, as I wrote this I remembered I have a place to stay at my friend’s house who happens to live in Sunset district….

My goal for this week was to harass the shit outta my doc’s office until I got a referral to the pain management folks.  Early this afternoon, I received a phone call and my injection will be <second drum roll, please> TOMORROW!  I’m so damn relieved.  Fingers crossed it works (<be-boppin’ to CRB and the Hips in December>.  It didn’t hit me til I changed out of work clothes at home that the reason I was called today was because I was wearing my lucky MRI socks (I received them when I had my MRI done). I’ll start wearing this to singles bars.

Met my family – ex and kids –  at Maggie’s volleyball confirmation meeting for joining volleyball club.  It is this girlie’s turn to shine as she is fiercely committed.  Dad and I spoke yesterday, both agreeing that she puts forth plenty of effort and deserves this opportunity.  I saw Jessica there, too, who is one of my favorite people.

I’m feeling content tonight.  My sister is coming in for the holidays, my kid loves high school, my other kid is amazing, the dogs keep escaping from the backyard somehow, yet I have terrific neighbors who let me know.  Life gets really screwed up sometimes and we, as humans, do some really fucked up things.  Yet I have a Faith in the Universe that it will right itself as it all comes out in the wash.  And if it doesn’t?  Then I’ll go have a one-night stand. Either way, it’s a win-win.

Pictures: Tonight’s Super Moon in Camino; My lucky MRI socks.

 

The boobs were a little but smaller today, which is always a good start to the week.

It was certainly a rough one.  A couple of tremendous changes – one which is permanent, the other is so for at least 4 years.  Other than one or two issues, I’m rarely solidly in one court because I find extreme views don‘t allow compromise – it’s all in or…out and in a country as diverse as this one, it is imperative to reach out to both sides.  The media, of course, is making a tremendous difference in how actual news is conveyed.  The days of professional journalism (without bias) are no longer guaranteed.  I find news is now akin to statistics – depending on which formula you use, you can get the “facts” to articulate whatever you want.  Please check source, then remember, the real truth is probably half of it.

Cleaned the deck off.  At one point (on the side deck, thank god) I was walking and the wooden floor gave way.  Had it been on the main part, it could have been a 25 foot drop.  Yes, I peed in my pants a little.

This week’s goal:  I’m going to harass my doctor’s office every day this week until I have an appointment with pain management. It is mid-November and I’m tired of this mess.

Apologies for the lack of excitement and/or posts.  My “oomph” has abandoned me.

Picture: The view from my kitchen window.  Super Moon and Wicked Tree

I woke up at 4 something this morning and just couldn’t go back to sleep.  Didn’t – couldn’t­ come to terms with the happenings of the last 48 hours.  Shelly, the election….so I just stayed up. Heading down to my workshop, I was inundated with the news on the radio until…I passed a truck.  Dude had the windows down and was CARJAMDANCING his ass off.  The dude had no fucks to give.  So I did the same, and of course, Zeppelin was on.  The smiles were back, life was good.

 

Day on of the workshop was incredible and Julia and I were really glad we made it.  Dr. Gentry is an incredible presenter and knows his trauma (literally – he scored 9 on ACES).  Fortunately he is more than willing to impart not only with his solutions but also resources.  I now have knowledge which can completely alleviate stress/ trauma from a person’s life.  Timing couldn’t be better. #blankstare

This was good information to know when I didn’t get my car stolen yet again.  No idea why I always think my car has been stolen.  I was actually just telling my colleague about this when I looked up and said – “See?  Like now.  My car was just stolen.”  She was a little alarmed, but I was very calm (which was very funny to me on the drive home – it proved I was listening during the workshop).  The cool thing is the hotel manager was rad and just kept walking with me when I found my car.  I hugged her.  WHY DO I ALWAYS THING PEOPLE ARE STEALING M’DAMN CAR?!  The way home was car accident after car accident.  I think the reality of what happened Tuesday is just hitting people and they are going into shock en route to where evs.

I called my doctor yesterday and today – It has been 2 weeks – I have not been contacted by anyone, particularly pain management – about anything.  Listen up.  I get they aren’t really concerned about my pain, so I figure I’ll mosey on along to another doctor who does once I get the damn referrals.

On a VERY bright note, I want to share a portion of an email I received that made my day and shared a little sunshine.  This email said that if there were an award for graduate most likely to change the world, Maggie would get this person’s vote.  The kids who are watching this election (and that’s all of ’em, folks) are watching how we as adults are behaving.  Those assholes who are being bigoted, misogynistic and racist have learned this behavior from someone in their life.  So yes, I’m extremely disappointed with the outcome, but I need to check myself.  I have two kids (one who will be voting next time around) watching me and need to set a good example.

Picture:  “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” ~ Viktor Frankl  This man, wow.   How we chose to react is everything….

Yesterday was one of the worst days in many, many years.  It began with Shelly’s death, so quick, so unexpected, despite her years of fighting cancer.  We all thought she would beat it – how could she not?  Then the mourning took a swan dive as Hillary’s numbers stayed low.  I kept waiting for the resurgence, yet it never came.  As I leaned over to turn out my lamp, I took one last look at the CNN pool and say the opposition numbers at 95%, plus.  I wanted to throw up.

The middle of the night waking, one of many, showed it was no nightmare – the Dow was down 700, motherfucker, if my retirement is gone because of you…yet by this morning, stocks were up, apparently his acceptance speech wasn’t maniacal – so investors didn’t panic.  Shit.  I better buy a house or pay off my loan by January 17.  I remained concerned.  How many times has he declared bankruptcy?

 

 

Work was …worky.  Fortunately, my first client was 6.  I (obviously) didn’t bring it up, especially in this county, yet the statement soon came:

Client:  “So, Trump is gonna be President.”                                                                                       Me: “That’s what I hear.”                                                                                                                              C: “I wish Hillary would’ve won.  When I’m 18, if she’s still running, I’m gonna vote her.” That’s one special 6 year old boy and one helluva kickass momma.

I was thrilled that one of my kids called his vice-principal at school to make sure she told me that he was sorry to miss our session, but he was really sick.  Those are good moments. One the way home, I just had to stop and pick up a mourning burrito, and I’m glad I did.  The man there, Freddy, who is as Mexican as you can get told me, in his very thick Mexican accent that maybe, just maybe this will be a good thing.  That maybe somehow it will unite the country and bring us together and if a Mexican immigrant can have an attitude that good, then who am I , Miss Little Whitey, to disagree with him?

I called my sister.  We commiserated.  I am going to bed soon, and tomorrow to a workshop (interestingly enough) on trauma, while the nation continues to experience this…(you fill it in).

Pictures: Yes; This is what I fight for and what I love to see.  

Shortly after I finished and posted last night’s words, Maggie came home with her first break-up.  Life is tough enough, but when you are young (as I recall so easily), love is tougher.  We cried on each other shoulders.  Then the toilet overflowed…epically…to the point of, oh, shit, is the neighborhood going to be flooded out?  God dammit.

I slept…I awoke.  I looked for a pant suit – I had none.  I wore my blue skirt and felt like a bad ass.  This morning, I (again) BLASTED Neil Diamond’s “America.”  Today there would be a change in so many things.  Last night I had tried with every inch of my being to “travel” (I know this sounds so silly, but I used to do this as a child) to Shelly’s hospital room to be by her side and feel her to health.  It can’t hurt.  I dropped the kiddos off at their appropriate learning institutions and headed to my school site where my day began  with a crisis session.

Kids shouldn’t be experiencing crisis, but they do – too many of them.  Here in America and all over the world.  It breaks my heart to see these young ones carry burdens that many adults cannot.  I headed to the parenting class and discovered, much to my chagrin but really no surprise to me, that I had studied and prepared for the wrong chapter. Of course I did.  Still, once I got more comfortable in my skin, it went fairly smoothly, for I am a teacher first.  I just prefer to know the material.

And then…I learned Shelly had passed away.  This firecracker of a spirit left this earth to join her brothers and father.  I saw my four clients at the school and headed home.

When my kids walked in, Mags looked at my face and said “What happened to Shelly?”  I shook my head, she walked over and hugged me.  I cried.  Shelly had a profound impact on just about everyone she met, I would think, just as she did on me.  SO full of life.  I am grateful to be in year 12 of sobriety, because I am really fucking wishing I could change the way I feel tonight.

Pictures: Chestnut stand where I bought 2 pounds.  The Boy swore if we lived in CH he’d be broke from always buying marroni (roasted chestnuts); Our walking path today.

I read this morning that a friend’s cancer, which she has been fighting so fiercely, has taken a turn for the worse, and I knew this to be true because it was her husband who wrote it.  This woman has been fighting so hard and for so long.  Yet sometimes, it doesn’t make a damn bit of difference.  Cancer is like that fierce ocean wave: no matter how good a swimmer you are, it will still pummel you down to the ocean floor as if you were a grain of sand.

My heart cries out for her husband, who with all his boyish cheer did everything in his power to support the love of his life.  My heart mourns for Colin and James, her sons who have fallen victim to the cruelest of all, the loss of their mother.  I cannot imagine the pain felt by Shelly’s mother, who is now losing the last of her three children, the other two called back in different ways.

Today was an interesting day:  it was full and I learned some good news at work, yet all of it came to a screeching halt when I read Steve’s post about Shelly.  Life is so short.  Life is fragile and we can never prepare for what may come.  Kiss your babies if you have ‘em, love your partners if you got ‘em, call your mom and dad if you still have them in your life.  Pet your dogs if you have one, if you have a cat, they could probably care less, so whateves.  The point I’m trying to make is WE JUST DON’T FUCKING KNOW,  tell the people in your life how you feel.  Do it for Shell.

Picture: This evening’s sunset.

And so…that was weird.  The night was horrible….  While I was supposed to be focusing and concentrating on “nothing” my mind traveled to caverns not explored in decades:  I thought of my young days.   There were a lot of thoughts on faucets and water; the time I was four, walking down to the barn my dad had built and swimming in the water trough with my sister or guzzling that horrible West Texas well water with delight from the spigot.  I “felt” colors, felt my body in different ways, yet could get no sleep.  I awoke this morning feeling much worse for the wear.  I wonder how much the reiki had to do with my night and how much was the coffee I sipped in Yuba City with Jenni.

I had a long list of ‘to dos’ because as I tossed, I also thought of what needed to be accomplished.   Naturally not one of the things I wrote down was.  Lists are stupid.

I’m thankful to a lot of people in my life.  I feel like a big taker right now…and so many are selflessly giving to me. Thank you, my friends.

Along these lines, but differently, there has been something in my life that has been there with me through thick, ‘cause Lord knows the thin left when this baby came into my life. It is time to slow this train down, because I clearly cannot seem to “share” my cranberry crunch with people and there’s (about to be) a new sheriff in town and he doesn’t like sugar.  I’ll start making something different in this dish – maybe kale steak.

Today the last pieces of my items were delivered.  I now have a “grown up” living room that looks so elegant and…well, grown up.  I’m very grateful and dare I say it?  I feel a little grown up.

Pictures: The beautiful countryside; That dish is going to feel rather empty for a while, and that is OK!

Saturday mornings are the BEST. I love stretching, knowing that I don’t have to do anyth “**ding-donnnngggg….”  Hunh??!?  Dammit.  I’m naked.  So, I put on a robe and went to the front door.  There was a neighbor with Flopper on a leash.  Flopper (aka “Margaloff” per Ethan’s suggestion) looked at me happily and started to bound inside the door, except he was held back by a thick blue leash.  “My wife said you know who owns this dog,” said the gentleman, and I proceeded to tell him which house the dog lived in.  “Bye, Margal… I mean Flopper!”  I said, and headed back to bed.

I looked forward to meeting Jenni somewhere along her way to tonight’s Hips show in Arcata.  We texted a few times and came up with a time and a place.  How did humanity do such things without smartphones?  It wasn’t long until I realized I had to be on the way soon, so I jumped in the shower.  No one likes to meet a smelly family member for the first time.

My back had been hurting since sitting up in bed.  Within two minutes of being in the car it was already bad, so I knew entertaining the thought of joining Jenni to the Hips show wouldn’t be wise.  Instead of pondering impossibilities,  I thought about my kids.  This time, my daughter in particular.  Throughout the course of my life, I have looked outside myself to find who I wanted to be like.  When I was younger, I looked up at those older and wiser than me as guides and inspirations.  As I matured, I looked at those in all points of my life to see whom I could mimic to gain the qualities and attributes I longed for.  At this point in my life, I must look no further than my daughter to see who I’ve always wanted to become.  She is selfless and thoughtful, and holds herself accountable in ways I never could at that young age.  What a treasure she is.

It wasn’t long until she, meaning Jennifer, was standing in front of me.  What a JOY to meet this human being!  Time flew away from us, yet I know we could easily spend days upon days talking with one another.  I look so forward to our next meeting.  I have met the most incredible people through this band.  Somehow the types of people I seek are found in this music.

Back at home, I stopped by the store, and then mailed off a very important piece of mail.  Then, I struggled to build a fire.  I’m not sure where my skills have disappeared to.  A few episodes of Scrubs (last night’s season 2, episode 20 was hilarious) and I’ll be off.  Reiki at 10.  I am ever hopeful.

Pictures: I don’t believe it was too heavy, still, this is worth 2 stamps; We ponder in Yuba City