Author: iamunzer

Were it not for the plethora of resources and knowledge I’ve been granted access to on the behaviors of adolescents,  I’d surely have him committed.  From the dig-in-yer-heels-til-she-blows actions (Wednesday night) to the completion in cleaning out the entire garage (he was never asked to do so) yesterday then finding and hanging a fluorescent light “he had just happened to find” left behind by previous owners….  I may have given semi-birth to him (he was a c-section baby), but this child is all his own.

And yet…I question myself in my responses to so many things, one of these being the friends of my kids.  I’ve not become the mom I wanted to be when I was an adolescent. As “accepting” and “tolerant” as I may be of people, I sure as hell don’t like the feelings I get in my gut when some of these friends are over, j-chillin’ with the kids (primarily Boy-child, but also with Girl).  My sanctuary has been invaded and my body responds accordingly – tension, fire in ma belly, then I raise my voice a lot and have to make up excuses like being stressed over work.  For a transparent person such as myself who likes to be honest, this type of rationale is a tough one.

On to bigger and better!  Today is the second day of Hangtown Halloween Music Fest, but first day for me, since I was too tired and too in love to get off Face Time and head over to the show(s) last night.  I would be seeing and hanging out with my Best Fest Friend, Rickey, who is one of the Site 9 folks from Hipnic.  He and I were the only two from our core group of 5 at Hipnic last year, then we saw much of High Sierra together, so we are continuing the trend.  Rickey also allows me to light his cigarettes.  As someone who doesn’t drink alcohol, do drugs, and quite smoking 20 years ago (March 17, 1997), these mini-head rushes from his American Spirits do the trick and I feel at one with the hippies.  It’s the little things….

However, Rickey soon left me to go rest up for his beer crew shift, promising to meet me when Dark Star Orchestra played in a little over an hour and a half.  As someone who has been doing concerts and fests alone the whole time, it’s not a big deal.  Yet I, after my long, busy,  work day and having  That Guy On The Phone with me, decided I’d rather head home just as soon as That Guy On The Phone accompanied me to the grocery store.  Wearing my AirPods, I forget I look like I’m talking to… no one.  There I go, answering loudly, and giggling like a school girl.  Several looks  (and knowing smiles…did they think I was high?  Do they know I’m in love?  What?!?!  Isn’t it kinda the same thing????) later, I’m out, sitting in the car and headed home.

A successful week comes to an end – work has been quite productive and tickets have been purchased for my flight back to Texas in a few weeks.  Options are being looked at as more “y’alls” and “fixin’ ta’s” begin creeping back into my vernacular.  Timing is so interesting.  In Texas for the first 24 years, in about three years (when youngest is done with high school)  it’ll be about the same amount of time in California.  I wonder where I’ll be for next 24.

Pictures: So, here’s the sitch: AS USUAL, technology is giving me a fine mid-finger salute, in that the methods I’ve used thus far to insert new pictures isn’t working, so here are  two old/unused pics which happened to be available.  One of me when I was 26ish and one of the kids when I put them a life-saving class of BADASSERY.   I, for one, would not fuck with them.

P.S. Overalls will ALWAYS kick ass.

 

So much time has passed, so many memories  created, so many memories lost.  These written words are my strongest connection to keeping these events fresh in my mind, yet for whatever reason, I’ve not been able to write until tonight.

In July, the kids and I took a memorable road-trip to Colorado to visit my mother.  So many fun memories made en route; It has been a long time since I have laughed so hard and of course, iPhone videos captured so much.  I’d be remiss if I failed to mentioned we have yet to watch the GoPro videos.  What can I say – I’m modern, but not that modern.

My youngest child started high school and is flourishing.  This kid was made for school and I see her beating my grad-school-at-40 record by a decade and a half. And oh, my GOODNESS!  I bought a HOUSE!!!!  I can’t believe I forgot to mention that, as I’m j-chillin’ in my room.  Saw pics of of the apartment and I remembered that some VERY IMPORTANT SHIT has happened since then.  Man, i’m one of the lucky ones.

Today, I was able to set up an appointment for eye surgery which is going to (knock-on-wood) end my relationship with glasses/contacts for a while.  That day in second grade where I picked up those horrible over-sized plastic rimmed glasses was on of the darkest in my young life.  I still remember getting into my mom’s blue faux wood-striped station wagon, looking in the mirror and hearing how good it looked.  Bullshit.  As much as I hate technology, I sure do love the fact that it’s going to do some ass-kicking-lasering in mis Ojos.

As always, saving the biggest and best news for last, I have had the honor of re-meeting someone who was the only person in our group that I never actually lost touch with.  Somehow,  Universe found it fitting for me to be able to fall head-over-heels in love with a man who was “Extra More” (to borrow a special phrase) special to me, he always made my heart beat beat a little faster than it normally did, and he always made me laugh.  My, how he makes me laugh.  Next weekend will be weekend three for us (did I fail to mention he lives in Texas?).    With each passing difficulty, as I grow older I am able to look with differing perspectives.  I am steadfast in believing that challenges in our lives present opportunities of growth and incalculable benefits.  This benefit is indeed incalculable. #nextlevelshit

Picture: After a week of writing, I was finally able to send it. ❤

 

 

Pictures: Mags took a picture of us, marking her final day, oddly none of the shots of just her developed.; I took a picture of HER, marking her final walking-to-the-car-for-school-selfie; My beloveds; Hall-ball; Fire in the sky.

I think I must’ve hit my head. Not badly, but maybe against the window as we were going down…?  My neck is strained-sore and my head keeps aching. Also a few dizzy spells…but nothing too bad and I’m being very cautious about anything “suspicious.”  Maybe I knocked some sense into myself?

Client, individual sup, group-sup, client.  I work in a place with a great deal of catastrophe and death.  I can only shake my head (well…actually I use a lot of curse words to myself) when I come across self-righteous unlearned people (much kinder than stupid mother-fucker) who think “#maga” is going to change things when quite the opposite is happening with the populations I work with.  How much better do you think this country will be with fewer opportunities for people?  #thankyour1% 

I heard nothing from insurance adjuster dude, which is kind of what I expected, but it makes me nervous.  I want to restore Lizzie.  

Maggie is home from her end-of-the-year adventure trip.  She has half a day tomorrow and then my baby moves on to high school after nine years at her current school.  She still remembers her first day of kindergarten!  I’m excited for her high school years, she’s going to flourish. 

My heart aches for my Amiga.  Te quiero, Ruth. Hiciste todo lo posible para ayudarte. ️Pictures: Inuit-Dude!  WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?; I stopped to smell this sweet rose today, I need to smell fresh life; Here are my plates – bottom plates just moved in from the bus, on the side is from La Bodega, chipped-made-in-France-Porcelain with a few plates here and there from old students; Celebrating Maggie with bubble soda!!  I had to give mine to Mags bc its basically sugar water.

 

This sun streamed in brightly this morning, so I woke around six, then graciously fell back to sleep again.  My body feels as if it’s been run over.  I ate a bowl of leftover chili, meat and spices only ~viva paleo~ then walked the pups.

While putting in my jeans, I felt something in my calf.  I gently rubbed it and then continued to dress.  I felt it again and took off my jeans.  Out flew an large adult centipede, I screamed, and it scampered across the carpet, in a mad dash for safety.  I walked quickly to the kitchen, got a jar, then moved the dresser it had run under. Nothing.  Thus, the hunt began.  A loose tarantula, no problem, but I’m not leaving this guy in here overnight.  I found, captured, then set him free.  Go on, little dude, freak out someone else in peace and happiness. 

I headed to the tow yard in Davis where they had brought Lizzie. The insurance adjuster was there at the time, so we spoke a little bit. Because this is not your average car, more research must be done into its value, including all the restoration costs I’ve put into it (minus things like paint). Another tow-company owner was there (maybe the owner for this one?  He was in a Jag and was waiting for me so he could lock up) and he gave me advice while the insurance adjuster was talking on the phone. Justin from Kombi Haus  also called, so I spoke with him and his first words were “it’s not totaled; don’t let them bully you into thinking it is.”  It means a lot when I see people have my back.

 

 

 

 

I cleaned her up a little bit; I still had most of my case of music-fest-fake-beer intact which is,  good:  it would’ve smelled horribly.  I cleaned her out as best as I could and was surprised that considering the job of the CHP officer,  she’s really in terrific shape.   It took the tow truck three minutes to set it upright- it’s a shame that the CHP officer  did what he did, she could’ve been rolled over and I could’ve driven off.  

 

 

 

 

My Boy came home tonight. He is so handsome and …grown.  He is s good kid and is shifting so quickly into an adult.  A full 10 out of 14 texts were about me and the state of Lizzie.  Dude.

Pictures: My poster from the Women’s March in SF; The only broken (cracked) window; Poor thing, she’s in shock like I am; the scraped door; scraped door; I had to clean my MH flag; Hipnic stone on an oily piece of carpet

 

 

A tan Hummer with roaring red brake lights.  Over and over again, I saw that and the white concrete barrier as I tried to go to sleep.  I could see myself from over my right shoulder, screaming and struggling to regain control of the car, while simultaneously completely letting go of myself.  Maybe that’s why I was unharmed.  I eventually did fall asleep and slept with no recollection of dreams and when I awoke, I had no memory of yesterday for the first seconds.  Then my body kicked in, sorely, and I remembered.

I learned of other bad news yesterday, something which seems to tie in so succinctly with losing my Mother Hips bus yesterday (though it happened several weeks ago).  I don’t want to spill the beans, but if you want to know, just message me.  Dammit, dammit, dammit. Fuck.

 

Today could have easily, EASILY have ended very differently.

I was be-boppin’ along to “Trees”, by Twenty-One Pilots, thinking of how much I FEEL.  I had burst into tears last night while learning “Screen” on the Uke for Maggie (she doesn’t know I bought her a Uke, too, “plus some” for graduation), and I’d just teared up again…  I was super stoked, having earlier discovered I could place my iPhone on the ashtray and see the WAZE directions…when….

The brake lights from the Hummer in front of me were getting closer and closer..and I kept stepping on the brake, to no avail.  I slammed them down all the way and the steering wheel seemed to be moving on its own as the wheels skated across the freeway.  I expected to slam into the concrete barrier…

…when suddenly we were  moving in a different direction (?) and then, she laid herself down, the sound of steel on asphalt was cacophonous….  Within seconds, I saw faces as people had stopped their cars and asked if I was ok.  My engine was still running, though I’d watched the keys drop to the floor.  I sniffed to see if there was any gasoline, since the side she was on held the gas tank, but I detected none.  I asked if they (whoever ‘they’ were) smelled anything and they said no, but maybe I should turn off the car.  I wasn’t sure how I would do that, considering the keys were on the floor, way down there…then the engine died.  With the help of a man who held onto me while I unsnapped the seat-belt, I carefully stood up in the bus.  The front windshield was cracked, but all the other windows were intact!  I hoisted myself up and out of the bus as people asked me hwo I was and  people gave me water.  Two women who witnessed the whole show stayed with me.

2 paramedics from Solano were on the scene and hung out til CHP arrived.  Other paramedics kept pulling by (at least 2-3), but I waved them on.  I was fine, I just wanted to see what Lizzie looked like.  It KILLED me when the CHP officer pushed her to the left side near the center barrier from the center lane with his car.  He said he “had to” to get traffic moving.  Dammit.  Why couldn’t we have just grabbed ten people and righted her up again?  I woulda been on my way.

The tow service decided, since she was already damaged, to slide her onto a flatbed  – they had never seen an accident like this one before and had called in other tow trucks “for consult” (exact words).  With CHP’s blessing, I climbed the front wheel of the bus and popped back in to Lizzie to grab my phone, wallet, etc. and to close the window before the looming “box of rain” reached us. I looked around and she looked very post-tornado.   As soon as she was loaded onto the truck it started pouring rain.  My daughter texted me – asked if I was ok, then asked about the bus.  Boy was the same.  These kids get how much Lizzie means to me…

T texted me, he was out looking for me.  He met me at the shop, which was a few minutes from his house.  VW family is the best. She doesn’t look too damaged.  That metal held firm, despite the asphalt massage.   Before I even got to the doctor for a check-up, he had already contacted Justin at Kombi Haus and other VW people, and located original metal parts for me.

Just to make sure, I went to the ER after T dropped me off, on ex’s advice.  I’m fine, I’ll just be sore.  Doc asked me if I wanted something stronger than naproxen, then proceeded to give me 600 mg of ibuprofen.  WTF???  Seriously?  That made me giggle.  My Girl is here with me, and I spoke to my Boy.

I THANK YOU for the calls, posts, messages, texts.  Your care and concern is heartwarming to me and reminds me that I am not alone. I love you.

PS – I’m still going to HSMF – it’ll just be in a tent.

 

I love juvenile hall.  

I think one of the most enjoyable parts of my day was being stuck in traffic, watching a shiny black Volvo with a middle-aged male passenger sticking his elegantly- socked-feet with fancy, tasseled loafers out of the window. 

I am not what I claim to be. I guess a better way of putting it is I am not what I try to be. I’m not patient, I’m not tolerant.  To further clarify, I’m not tolerant towards intolerance.  Listening on NPR about the US backing out of the Paris Climate Agreement, I came across a car with a bumper sticker “Worst president”, using Obama’s campaign symbol.  As he disparagingly waived the car ahead of him to move, I passed by him and flipped him off.

My mystery guitar player is back, strumming beautiful songs against the back-drop of traffic driving gently home.  I fall in love with guitars.

What I don’t love is a herd of adolescent boys skateboarding and talking loudly over the guitar(and no – my skater isn’t one of them).  It’s gonna be a long summer….

Pics: We are everywhere; Sunset

I keep doing it wrong and fucking up-something happens, like yesterday, when I knew he’d end up being late.  Sure enough, he texted me ten minutes before to let me know he wouldn’t make  in time,  then I turn into my mother: the no-excuses-militant-you’d-better-be-on-time-or-you’re-grounded parent for whom a reasonable reason (getting gas) didn’t matter. It didn’t matter  last night.  Suddenly all these words came out of my mouth as I sat there being angry with him. Images of my friends from 1989 kept popping into me head.  Goddamn it, my past  is NOT his battle.  It’s hard to break the cycle. 

Down 3.  The Hipnic pictures made it brutally obvious to me that my eating choices are not good ones.  I’ve become this chunky monkey in the last 6 months, so back to what works ( what is that?!); movement and healthier foods, and…less Mexican.

I literally called my daughter to give her the update that I saw “a lot” of “nonwhite” people (5) at the local grocery store, which thrills me to no end!  Let’s hear it for diversity,  El Dorado County!  

Sick with the miserable summer-cold, I prepped some food for this week.  I’ve been finding lately that tasks such as hanging the laundry on the clothes line or chopping the garlic brings a state of Mindfulness with it, something we miss in this did-it-for-ya society.  The same goes for cooking…I miss the preparat..awww, who am I fucking kidding?  I love eating chips and salsa in the booth, waiting for my burrito to arrive.  

There’s been another shift of consciousness for me recently, an awareness of my nervousness (perhaps not very visible to many), my anxiety.  I’m beginning to see my reactivity and I don’t like it.  I’m falling into behaviors I don’t wish to assimilate with as this is not who I am.  So, I look to each day as a maze, a day of challenges.  Just make it through the maze, one more day.

Pictures: The Boy and his dog.  She injured her paw yesterday, and MAN, was it nice having her calm and quiet for 24 hours.  That’s over now; Kombucha and Hipnic IX magic from Cheri and Mark; Mindful garlic chopping.

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It flies past so quickly….Those days that we wait for, seemingly embraced in a comfortable bubble for 72 hours or so, and then, faster than it approached, it has once again disappeared.  Goddammit,  Hipnic – when will you pull a Burning Man and last for a week?!

There are always endings.  Every beginning is the start of an end.  I said ‘goodbye’ to clients today.  I bought them both cupcakes (none for me!)

Because!!!  I saw myself in those Hipnic pictures.  I haven’t cared for myself at all – throwing the pressures and stresses into food, then throwing the food into ma belly.  No cool.  Hello, healthy food and commitment.  I want to be less so HSMF can be more.

My oldest (middle?) kid finishes his first year of high school tomorrow, Maggie finishes in a few weeks, and me?  My boobs just keep on growing, despite the lack of burritos in that last 4 days.  What.the.fuck?!!

Back to yoga in the morning.  I arose at 4:50 today to get moving and tried for about 10 minutes, but with no mat (in storage), I slid all over the carpet.  I purchased a new one and shall continue my quest to a “healthier me!”….<sigh>

Pictures:  Soooo, apparently Windows 10 has nothing to do with my inability to use a computer.  The two cupcakes I bought for clients and my PACKAGE AUS DEUTSCHLAND (Mirrors for Lizzie)