Author: iamunzer

5:30 in the morning. That’s when I woke up today and there was no shutting off my brain,so I got up m, questioning my sanity.  However, I got so much done that by 9 o’clock this morning I was already exhausted, with much to do.

I have gotten a majority of everything that needs to go into storage by myself. This is a good thing. The bad thing is that… I have over-packed the boxes.  L told me today they shouldn’t be more than 50 pounds, yet a majority range between 80 and 100 pounds.  Oops. 

Really frustrating listening to the game today. At least it’s baseball season.

Because I am mostly dead after this weekend, I took kids out for dinner.  It was much better than what I could have made and I had no dishes to do.  Win-win.

Today is the birth date of Charles McCammond McQuaid.  My firstborn son carries  a part of his last name for a middle name: Nikolaus Quaid Münzer. Chip died about 15 years ago, he was in his early thirties, as he was trying to get sober. Our relationship was a volatile one: he was violent and I didn’t take that lying down, but we also carried each other through some very difficult times.  Though my son was not his, he was  present for me to the best of his ability throughout my pregnancy.  I was young and scared.  He was also young and scared, though he showed it in ways different than most would. Happy birthday, Chip, my depressed genius, wherever you are.

Pictures:  Dinner; Adoption day, many years ago.

Tough day yesterday- 8 clients, which is a very full day. After  work, Swerner and I met up for a while.  Kick boxing.  She’s been doing it for about six months and loves it. I think that’s the next move for me.  By the time I got home, it was 8:15, so much to my children’s surprise, I went straight to bed.

Friday mornings kick ass. I have Juvie that day, the whole day, so what could be better? Brought Mags to her school (late-her fault), brought Ethan to his school(early-his desire) so I made it to work half-an-hour early.  I saw a kid after kid after kid after kid. I could have even stayed longer, since my poor colleague has ended up with pneumonia, but I didn’t know this yet. 

After an exhausting day at work and no lunch, yet again I said “fuck it”: and headed to get the best Carnitas burrito I know of.  I was sitting there eating and look through the window when I saw my ex-husband standing outside, so I walked to the door and leaned out.  He was flabbergasted, but smiled. I asked what he was doing there and he told me he was waiting for his girlfriend, then asked me why I was eating alone.  “I always eat alone!” I said, smiling. I think that’s the best thing I got out of this divorce:  absolute comfort in my own skin.

I received a phone call while eating dinner, but knew it was a reminder to pick up medication, so while waiting for my medication in the drive-through,  I listened to the message.  It was actually from the storage facility my storage unit was ready (2 weeks early)!   Headed over,  signed the paperwork and after a trip to Home Depot to buy a dolly, I started moving boxes.  

But only got a handful moved, since there was about half an hour before closing time. I hope this is my last move with storage.  I’m ready to buy my house so the kids and I are set until they’re done with high school.  

Pictures: Wicked Trees on my way; Hello, Dolly!; Here we go!

I am LOVING being in bed at 8(ish), lights out be 9:30 and sleeping til 5.  Will definitely have to get some blackout curtains for the apartment living room. 

Kids to school, then up to work for my first day of supervision with the clinical director (my former supervisor now has her own practice).  I really connect well with my colleagues, especially Scott, who has a similar sense of humor.  Group sup went well and for my individual, it was fantastic!  Since I run the Anger Management group, I’d like it redesigned to make it more interesting for these adolescents.  Telling a kid they need to breath and learn to incorporate X, Y, & Z is ridiculous.  I’ve learned some incredible interventions in trauma workshops that would help and we’ll work together in redesigning it.  Yay!!

My next 4 clients were all no-shows, so I finished paperwork and headed home…

…Where I had a terrific convo with the home-owner.  I think we would have been friends, were he still in the area.  He will give us a couple of days to get things out for a bottle of my favorite wine.  Ummmm.  Well.  It’s been a couple minutes, but I did enjoy Murphy-Goode from Alexander Valley.   I’ll try to find a bottle.  How does one ship wine to Pennsylvania?

Fun with my Boy (damn, I love that kid), then off to pick up my Girl at volleyball.   We talked about a guy she liked.  She is so on-point in voicing her feelings and needs.  I’m STILL not like that!    So proud of my kids. 

Pictures: The beautiful view in Camino at volleyball practice.  When I’d see clients at this school, I enjoyed walking with them here.

Do yourself a favor: just before you go to bed tonight, take off all your clothes. I cannot explain how nice it feels to have your skin against the sheets.  It makes for a lovely night’s sleep.

My shins are in so much pain. I’m hobbling about like a handicapped hobbit and it takes me twice as long to get anywhere. I was foolish to start running by going uphill after a 6 year pause and should’ve gone to the track instead.  So much for jumping back into it.

Off to my school site this morning, then a final professional farewell to someone.  Back to the clinic to see one of my kids, off to Juvie, saw more kids, anddddd  back to the clinic. I do enjoy my work.

I headed home… where I saw my mini clothes washer ( a portable one for the apartment) had arrived.  It only cleans about 6 pounds of clothes at a time, but considering the amount of clothing my kids go through, at $4.50 a pop for a load at the apartment laundromat, I figured it was worth it. 

Baby pictures were due for Maggie’s 8th grade graduation today, but because the  Mac is connected to a different email address and I have no idea how to do anything computerish, I had to send them to FaceBook.  I was able to relive many beautiful memories I had experienced with my children, and also saw myself:  12, 10, 5 years ago.  A bit slimmer than now, anyway.  That damn Mexican food.  I vowed all over again, then laughed as I went to answer the door.  Pizza delivery, ya know.  

Pictures: From Sweet Pea to Beautiful Young Lady

The way our past shows up is a trip, to put one way.  At one point yesterday, when someone from long ago knocked on the door, my face fell to the floor in shock.  I’m not sure how elegantly I recovered, either.

A few hours later, when packing had come to a near-stop, Maggie and I left for a break.  We happened to walk into a place which brought me back about 8 years, reminding me of what I needed to do.

So, this morning, after a restless night of sleep, despite the promises of the ionized mask, I got dressed, put on my Barefoots, and went running with Mabi.  I didn’t run far, a little under a mile, but I did it.  My body is hurting like a motherfucker, though.  I forgot how bad my feet are.

Ethan and I got most of the packed boxes into the front room.  Yesterday,  I left a message for the apartment manager, hoping they can give us the downstairs apartment that opens in a couple of weeks.  It would be better than rushing to get everything in on May 1.

I’ve also come to realize how uncertain I am as of late – in so many things.  There is a lot of fear cropping up and I dislike that immensely.  My mind is on constant spin cycle (not that it’s anything new).  I’ve realized how much I dislike these emotional attachments I have to books I’ll never read.  Granted, my old antiquarian books are lovely and evoke such adoration, yet….  When we get our house, I’ll part with many, I hope.  Downsizing is my goal.

Picture: It’s good to get back to my running set-list, despite the pain.

Such a perfect awakening. I’m ashamed to say it, but I enjoy going to bed early on weekend nights. I considered going running this morning, because I would’ve beaten the sun, but….

The boy never woke up again from his nap he took last night around seven, and as I left the house around 8 o’clock he was still asleep. Must be a growing spurt. I headed down to the volleyball tournament in Rancho, paying the $10 parking fee so I could park across from the venue. This is the second time I’ve done this and I’m somewhat ashamed (’cause I really don’t mind walking), but on the other hand….

There are days I just shouldn’t be allowed around humans, or at least people under the age of 18. There was a line-judge calls were so bad even the ref questioned her numerous times over a call that everyone (even opposing team parents were shocked) had  seen was clearly out. I put myself in time out and worked more on my PCC hours.  Proud to say, not one single throat punch. #askmeabout5secondbodyscan

A rough evening for a time with the Boy. Nine hours at home and not one bit of packing had been done. It isn’t just the packing, it’s a combination of many things, so after I vented to his dad, then loudly spoke to him, after a while he and I sat in the back of the bus and talked.  This is one of those moments again where I’m expecting him to live with me until his mid-30s or 40s.  

Bed. 

Pics: Volleyball tourney; Checking client hours.

I’m too drained to write a typical five a day so here goes:

I woke up again at four, I think this is a sign that I need to get up early to running, exercise or  yoga, then shower then go to work.

I slipped today. Wasn’t very much, five or six sugar cookies that Kelly made.  Fuck it.

Only saw five kids today at Juvie, One of them suggested I become an inspirational life coach. Bam!

Ate nachos after work to support St. Patrick’s Day. My job is done here. <Mic drop>

Home and really too tired to do anything so I’m going to bed now(please don’t laugh). I’ll get up early before the sun and start packing, after I go running, of course.

Pictures: Mabi is angry that I’m too tired to do anything; I was promoted at juvie today – junior probation officer. #soproud

A thick stack of referrals awaited me as I got to juvenile hall this morning.   The good news is more than half has been released almost immediately so I attended to the few and carried on. Back to the clinic to a kid on probation who doesn’t think he’s on probation. Interesting.

When things are supposed to work, they just work: there’s no trying to hammer the round peg into the square hole or vice versa it just glides into place and that’s what happened today.  We’ll  be going from 1900 ft.² to 890, and only a two bedroom but I’ll give the kids each a room and then I’ll stick my Glorious Bed in the living room and put my wicker divider  up. They spend all their time in their rooms anyway, so who cares?

My next client had experience to head injury similar to the one I had, and I easily understand the frustrations she’s experiencing right now.  Then came another client. This one was very tough; we’ve been working almost a year and today more words of the trauma escaped her lips. Being a therapist is really hard sometimes.

Tonight there’s a party celebrating my supervisor as she departs our clinic and makes her own way. She’s been here 8 years and has been my supervisor this whole time, through my trainee ship and almost all of my internship.  I will miss her, but understand all to well about needing to move on.  

Life, after all, moves in cycles.  

Pictures: Our new home for the next 6 months;  A client made me out of Play-Doh today.  I love the big heart she gave me. 

That intuition thing…it happened again today.

This morning as I showered,I recalled a post from many years ago when I posted on Blogger.  It was one of my first writings and was about my body – how, despite its imperfections, I love it so fiercely because it has given me so much!!!

I thought about re-posting the piece as a reminder to myself, because I am rather hard on myself (yet does this stop the Mexican food?  Hell, no!), yet I would have forgotten about it had Maggie not pulled up a You Tube piece and instructed me to watch it for no other reason than she appreciated the message.

This, from a young, beautiful girl who is hard on her own body, thanks to media images and societal pressures she faces …a world much different than the one I faced, because now there is social media, a completely different beast.

May we learn to ignore such messages and listen to our own hearts, instead.

My Beautiful Body, January 9, 2013

I looked at my Body today. I looked at her with a different perspective than I have become accustomed to per media influences (too chunky, too flabby, too wrinkly, too uneven, too saggy, too rough, too callused, thin nails, bad cuticles, gray hair, not enough hair, too much hair there, short hair, thinning eyelashes, discolored skin, ad infinitum). Today, I looked at my Body with gratitude and honor, with respect and admiration. This Body has taken me places. She has done so much for me and it seems the only thing I do for her is complain.

Sigh…. When will I learn?

When I was three, this little Body sat on a tricycle and rode it out of our gated driveway down Cardinal Lane to Midkiff, then all the way down to Loop 250 (which was a Farmers Market road then)before she was found by a neighbor. That’s about two and a half miles on a tricycle.

This Body was knocked down by the metal gates to our house, with the gate crushing the ankles under it, pinning me down. I remember this well (I was 4 then). Yet she held steady. No crushed ankles. This Body was flown off a bucking mare, face first onto the street when I was seven, with gravel stuck to my face, but no broken bones. The left leg of this Body withstood the weight of that same fully-grown mare, who knocked me down and stood on my thigh for 5 minutes as I lay screaming. She simply looked down at me with disdain. Again, a nice horse-shoe shaped bruise, but nothing broken. At this point, my Body consulted with my mind and convinced it to stay the hell away from that mare.

When I was 16, this Body survived a crash into a house one beautiful Sunday afternoon in March. There was no pulse and no heartbeat for a moment, according to witnesses, but then she remembered her manners and sprang back into Life, with a head injury, collapsed lung, cracked collar bone, one broken rib, lacerations, contusions, concussion, etc. Five days in a coma gave her time to gather her spark and zest before she ventured back onto the highway of Life.

And that was the easy stuff.

I then subjected my Body to years of poison; of alcohol and any other substances I could find…again and again and again, trying to fill that desperate hole inside my soul which would not be filled. I did this for years. I placed my Body in many precarious situations… in drunken, black-out situations…some involving knives from offended parties, headlights facing me as I was in the wrong lane, desperate rides in a car full of strangers, just to get that next drink. In the middle of this liquid suicide, my Body carried a child, a blessed child who did not deserve to live in this self-created hell. So I found his mother, and on September 16, 1992, two days after I had given him life, my Body almost died inside as I handed him to his real mother, the one who could give him what he needed. My Body survived that, but barely. For over the next two years I tried in every way possible to kill this beautiful Body: alcohol, drugs, pills, razor blades; constant emotional, physical and sexual assaults from another Lost Soul. Yet, she stayed true. She refused to give in to my demands, because she knew better. She knew there was still so much to do, so many more things to accomplish.

My Body wanted to give me those gifts I had so long dreamed of…children, adventures, freedom from Self.

Eventually she gave me those glorious children; basking in the indescribable joys of Life within. She held them and protected them from me, even as I took that which was not good for me. She gave them Life and was overjoyed in the blessings of nursing them. My Body exalted in the Miracle of Womanhood.

My Body knows. My Body has separated herself from my mind, which was so often my downfall. Consuming foods which were not good for me, I reached a point where the weight was painful and I had to do something to heal my poor Body. I am grateful this recognition happened at thirty pounds, rather than more. So many people seem to ignore their Body’s cry for help.

She has so often given in to my demands of fitness, despite physical issues which limit her. My fallen barefoot feet have pounded the pavement, crying out in pain, yet she continued. My body enjoys the Life brought by yoga, a mindful existence with mind and spirit. A blissful harmony which doesn’t violate, yet nurtures, instead.

Recently, my Body held another Life. Yet she knew something was wrong as the connection between mother and child was almost completely silent. My Body once again had to suffer the pain of giving up a life, yet this time before his truly began, as she screamed in anguish in the loss her Last Child. She mourned immeasurably, though this time with her children, and the bond between the two children and herself became even stronger.

I can only hope my Body will endure much more as I work to change my treatment of her. I intend to begin honoring her, for all she done for me and all she has given me.

I love my beautiful Body.

http://tribeoftrio.blogspot.com/2013/01/my-beautiful-body.html

Here is the YouTube link: