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Epic mom-fail again this morning.  I keep forgetting that when Maggie asks if she can skip Quoai Café  at 5:50 in the morning  I’m supposed to say “No, you made a commitment.”  Instead, I’m thinking, “Hell yeah! That’s 45 more minutes of sleep you’ll get!”(Not me though, because I’m already up).

Kids to school and me back to home.  I had two home appointments today – one between 10 and 1, the other between 1 and 4.  I am nothing if not efficient in my appointment setting.  As I began to wait, I thought I would accomplish some homework and start studying for my exam – alas, I noticed the setting was off, so in proper form, I disconnected the modem, since I knew that’s whatcha do.  It didn’t work.  I contacted Chris, who told me to disconnect both modem and router.  I did.  Mistake number one: not focusing on what was in where.  The area is such a mess of wires as is; I spent the next two hours trying to figure it all out, contacting Chris and Brian.  Chris suggested (long ago) I make sure the DSL (phone) cord was plugged in – it was important.  Eventually, I realized I needed to have the DSL phone cord plugged in.  Apparently it was important.

Moments later, the first person showed up to check heating – as he did that, I laundered, swept, mopped.  He left.  I began filling out the propositions on my ballot.  Soon, next people arrived.  I continued on the ballot.  As soon as I filled in a bubble, I knew I’d probably selected the wrong one.

Sushi date with my people – it has been a long time (pre-wedding, I believe?) since we have had sushi together.  All our lives are so filled and busy now, yet how wonderful to still get together once in a while and spend time together.

While driving down to meet for sushi, I thought – I wish I could sometimes write under a pseudonym so I could write about what is (sometimes) really on my mind.  Many tend to think I share my whole life in my 5-a-Day, and I do share much, but it is by no means all of it.  Not by far.  Sometimes I want to write about missing sex, fucking and that I occasionally wish I could let myself have a one night stand.  I would lament about the loneliness I often have without getting the “It’ll happen when it’s time” or the “But you have two great kids!”  Trust me, I have two incredible kids, but it isn’t the same as having a partner – plus, the kids aren’t as keen to hang with me, anymore.  Hmmm… what should my nom de plume be?

Pictures: My mess of cords; Election 2016 – holy fuck.

Last night, I was tired…tired of the same old everyday stuff that just.never.changes.  Yes, the Cubs won the World Series, which was certainly not the same old stuff, but the rest of it was:  realizing that my newest bra was too tight (again), my once-loose pants were too tight.  Fuck. Here we go again.

Yet I spoke with a friend and am feeling hopeful now.  This endless see-saw – actually it’s just a see…I haven’t  saw’d in a while –  is in for a surprise.  Another point of interest: my desire for coffee has waned tremendously – to the point of only sipping one cup (instead of three to four), and barely that.

A day filled with lots of paperwork.    I met a new co-worker today, did some crisis work, I SIGNED UP FOR ANOTHER WORKSHOP!  This one is next week and is in Sacramento.   I’ll be a certified crisis something-or-other.   I just have to find a way to get The Boy to school each day (The Girl has numerous options).

Home, where I was quite tired.  Ate left-overs (again) for dinner and considered bed.  The sheets are icy cold each night and while it only takes a few minutes for them to heat up, I would venture to say it is flannel bed linen season.  This weekend will be exciting (I’ll be changing the bed linens – my excitement standards have plummeted immensely).

An adult-like human shared with me that the word beginning with “F” and ending with “uck” was said in front of my daughter.  The adult-like human shared that Maggie doubled-over in laughter.  I am so proud that my verbal skills have carried my child this far in life that she is able to cope sufficiently in F-bomb situations.

Pictures: “I know you, rider, gonna miss me when I’m gone.”  I needed to see that; Excited about this seminar.

 

I am a mid-night wanderer…yet I needn’t journey far if the bathroom is close by.  I’ve never been one to make it through the night without having to pee – except for maybe 3 nights in my life, which I consider to be 3 terrific nights.  Yet last night, I wandered at least twice and in the midst of  it wondered what the hell was wrong with me that I had to pee so much. I suddenly remembered my “box of rain” and chugging it (I only came for air once).  I consumed a whole liter of water right before bed then composed what I thought was a BRILLIANT 5aD line at 1:17 in the morning: “what goes in must come out.”   Don’t worry, I won’t quit my day job.

Dropped kids off here and there, then headed up the mountain to my youngest client, however testing was taking place so I headed right back down the mountain…just in time for a staff meeting.  I think I would enjoy these a hell of a lot more if I felt I had anything to offer, perhaps grant info or a firm opinion on something, but I really don’t.  I’m so focused on trying to “get it” that I seldom realize there isn’t necessarily an “it” to “get.”

Out and off to another school site, then back for paperwork and more sessions.  It was while meeting a client that I saw my reflection in a window:  I was putting some “pack” into the packaging, holy shite!  The boobs have been visiting all over the place – under my arms, over the bra… traveling little bastards, they are.  My thighs have grown to the extent that these pants (which used to be loose not too long ago) are now traveling upwards.  Their sense of direction must be way off, as gravity would seem to indicate the pants should travel down.  I guess 6 cranberry crunches to myself is counter-intuitive to a “beach body.”

I joke, yet I am thoroughly disgusted with myself.  Exercise has been in limbo and eating habits are horrific.  Not only did I not care about making wiser food choices, but I willingly plunged myself into bad stuff.  I keep telling myself to start running again, but I’m not so sure how wise that would be.

After getting home and cooking a  fancy healthy dinner, I showered, then the Boy took me for a drive while I played some Dead and Anders Osborne.   I’m “watching” game 7 by renewing the screen every few minutes.  I’m thinking of going to bed early so I can wake up at 5:30 and maybe “walk briskly and with passion!” around the very large block.  Or not.

Pictures: Wicked Tree this morning…she’s beginning to shed her coat; Horses on our night drive.

All over the floor in his dark bedroom this morning and I step right into it, then back up into more.  Shit (literally).  Here I go again.  That’s how my Monday-ish Tuesday began. Those dogggggssssss…..

Dropped The Boy off, then headed to school with Maggie.  I’m feeling like I’ve lost my light, my sparkle.  I think when the boobs started to increase in size they pushed my sparkle right out.   There’s not room for both boobs and sparkle, it seems.  I headed up to my school site, planning how I was going to squeeze everyone in today since I had an appointment at 2:40.  As I walked in, I saw signs posted that today was a minimum day and school was over by noon.  Well, that takes care of that issue. Saw two kids and headed to group.

At the doctor’s visit, I was told that my back issues were chronic (no shit) and that the CDC had determined that the medicines I have used in the past can no longer be used for chronic issues.  Fan-fucking-tastic, CDC.  What do you folks recommend I do so that I can work until this is resolved  (if I ever get in to see an orthopedist)?  Until I can get an injection (soon hopefully), she is giving me some prednisone.  Hopefully an injection will last until the specialist.  They had me see another NP this time…have I become “that” patient?

I headed to the grocery store looking for 3 things.  I found 2 of them.  The 3 item was sold out.  I tried to find a store employee so I could ask a question but found no one.  Looked all over the store.  No one at the cash registers, either – again the few lines in check-out were 5-6 carts long (this has been happening frequently at these stores).  I put back all my items and left.  It’s the principle.

Drove Lizzie to the mechanic.  She’s getting her heart rebuilt so she can take us to Moab (or wherever).  The owner of the shop said I could work on her at his house over the summer so if I run into problems, he’ll be right there (I explained how I am “overly enthusiastic sometimes” – I didn’t tell him how I opened the sliding door so “enthusiastically” that I rolled it right off the track).   J-Ber picked me up and dropped me off at home, where I finished making the spaghetti.  The kids and I had a nice time talking, then cleaning up the kitchen together.  If it had been raining and my boobs were 1.5 -2 cups smaller, it would have been a perfect evening.

Pictures: Lizzie and I off to get her heart rebuilt; This is almost like the Dead’s “Box of Rain”, so I had to buy it. 

I want to explain what it feels like to the best of my ability:  most mornings I get up, thinking “This is ridiculous!  I’m making such a big deal out of nothing and I can absolutely do this!”  Then I walk to  get my coffee/breakfast and sit back down in my bed.  Within minutes it feels like I have bone on bone grinding in my spine.  Other times it feels like a part of my spine is being crushed by an elephant. Sometimes I have a center of heat radiating where the pain is.  This morning it was the bone-on-bone.

I dropped the kids off and wished them the best of luck in their Halloween adventures – my, how the times have changed.  It wasn’t that long ago when I was dressing Ethan in the lederhosen and Maggie in the dirndl my dad had bought them.  I headed  to the mechanics where I was told sure, they could get the wheel bearing and brakes done by 10:30.   I studied…until, I was told that the inner wheel hub had been damaged and that <several moments of tension while they frantically called suppliers> they had located one, but they couldn’t get it until 12:30.

So I called the office – phones lines were down.  I called/texted the ladies at the front desk – one was MIA and the other had just left to pick up her sick son at sch0ol.  I called/texted my supervisor – she wasn’t in for another hour, I called/texted the clinical director, but there was no response (because she was in important meetings). Fortunately my climbing partner was there and not only found information for me but came and picked me up so I wouldn’t have to cancel group. After, she bought me lunch and then dropped me off to pick up my car. Talk about catching me when I was falling.

I made it to the clinic moments before my next client. And then…prog notes and then…off to my therapist, where I was able to share with her the many things that gnaw my mind, that chew on my comfort until it becomes discomfort.  I opened my soul and told of my fears, that there would one day be a career number three because this – the one I felt was right, in actuality wasn’t.  She quelled my thoughts telling me what I know deep inside:  this is my calling.

Home to throw down some leftovers for dinner which should have been lunch and then: I awaited the trick or treaters.  Adorable little bumble bees and princesses and cute dragons (who belonged to the dog we found a month or so ago), then respectful teens who wished me a Merry Christmas.  It was a fun evening.

Pictures: My car being treated to her pedicure; my dad watching over the Halloween candy.

 

 

Horrible, horrible dreams which touched upon my insecurities that I am not good enough and never will be.  These revolved around work and my romantic life…both areas where I question myself and my abilities a great deal.   I do realize (with my head) that it is all as it should be.  As for my heart?  Well…. (this means that I am in another one of my “my-god-I-want- to-fall-in-love-and-be–fallen-in-love-with” moods).

It is these points in my life where I wish to reclude (a new verb I just created meaning “the act of reclusing” , which is also a new definition).  I consider deleting my FB account.  I consider moving to a small cottage in the midst of nowhere.  This (feeling) isn’t anything new, but it also isn’t anything I enjoy.  I mean for Pete’s sake, there are people with real shit happening in their lives;  I read about a friend’s life, what she is experiencing and going through, then here I am being a sissy-baby about my back.  I’ve experienced this 2-3 other times in my life and I know how it will be:  a few more months and it should calm down (until the next time it happens).  Time to suck it up.  Again.

I studied for law and ethics and enjoyed the study groove.  Then I got to clearing out the coffee table drawers/CD cabinet.  Many CDs I shan’t ever listen to, so I out them in a pile.  No use in holding on to them.  Headed to meet a friend quickly then get my car checked for the horrible noise.  Naturally nothing simple:  It’s a wheel bearing.  Of course it is.  Plus I need to replace brake pads in the back (I knew that) and soon, if not now, the front brakes.  Another thousand easy.  Sigh….  Of course.

Today I was one of those people that makes you think “What the hell is her problem?!?”  Boy and I went to Rite Aid so I could pick up meds (semi-pain meds) and there was one women already in line.  The pharm tech was talking to a women in her car who was asking about Percocet/Norco her surgeon, etc.  The pharm tech kept asking questions.  After 7 minutes I had to sit – I can’t stand in the same place for that long.  After 7 minutes of sitting on the floor (in line), I left with some grumpy comments.  <sigh>.

I cooked dinner, We had a lovely time.  Kids both have plans tomorrow night and  I bought candy to man the door here (I’m not Swiss cheese this year – but shall be so next year.  Remind me).  I may dress up the dogs and walk them around the block if there is no rain.  I was THIS CLOSE (put your thumb and forefinger very close together) to hiking in the rain today, but I figured it wasn’t a very smart idea.  Hopefully soon.

Pictures: The clouds today after our beautiful, beautiful heavy rainfall.  I hate blue skies.; Ethan hung up his old jersey in honor of his coach who died  recently. ❤ SPT #BeGreat

Six o’clock, 7 o’clock, 8:47.  I got up.  It wasn’t too long, though, before I went back to bed.  I had to.  Heating pad and lying on my back. I dozed off an d on for an hour or so, then got up “fer reals.”  I had clafoutis to make.

I know I’m not “supposed” to do many things, but I do them anyway.  However, I am careful and cautious.  The back pack loaded with my laptop and books?  I carry it.  Lunch bag (because a box is too damn small) loaded with a hydro flask of hot coffee, a hydro flask with seltzer water, plus food?  I carry it.  My “satchel” (purse)  with wallet, etc?  I carry it.  I usually carry them all at the same time to avoid numerous trips.  The point here being, today I vacuumed. I cleaned the bathroom that the kids missed cleaning.  Then I painted a birthday sign.  Then I made clafoutis.

On my way  to pick up Maggie, I noticed “the scene”: Street lamps and telephone poles; business signs and colorful plastic banner  flags to capture people’s attention.  Homely buildings.   It is all so ugly.  I picked her up at 2 and got home (all within 40 minutes – we made it in 46) in time to get the clafoutis out of the oven.  She dressed for her party and helped me hang the sign for my buddy, then I took her to her party.  Driving hurts.  I miss the heated seats of the Mercedes because it was like a heating pad when my back hurt then, but it isn’t smart to go off-road in a Mercedes (the way I drive), so I traded it for the Mazda.

Chris showed up and we celebrated his birthday with coffee & desserts.  He also made it possible to see my MRI results.  I can tell with the shots are of, but I don’t know how to identify what’s wrong with me. We talked for a couple of hours and soon it was time for me to pick up Maggie from her party.

She and I headed “down the hill” to look into some stuff for the house before my sister gets here.  We have a lot o fun together, that girl and I, with her walking around stores in her onesie elephant costume.  I bought her a froyo and we headed home.

Pictures: Happy Birthday!; MRI

I had a GOOD night’s sleep.  The darkness was intoxicating and when I awoke, I remembered my supervisor’s words:  Stay home if you need to.  I was tempted…but then I remembered Mags and her Friday morning commitment, then having to take Ethan to school.  I couldn’t have fallen back asleep after that, plus I missed yesterday, so…I need to save my sick time.

I cried so hard during supervision.  I shared how I feel like an addict who’s using again because I am having to connive and beg for what I need to help me get through this.  I’m generally a cheerful, energetic person, but these past days have not been fun.  I can easily understand how people turn to drugs when they cannot get the help they need from their doctor and am ever-so-grateful to have friends who understand this situation.

My Friday group will be turned over to a colleague next Friday, so today was my last one.   There was an attempt to meet with another client, but she wasn’t “findable.”   I left and headed home for the weekend.

Except I forgot I had to get my TB test checked in Placerville between 4 and 5, so after eating my lunch at home (chili leftovers), I went back to “town.”  I stopped by the post office to ship a packages to Japan and Australia, stopped by a friend’s work to pick something up, then had my TB test checked.  I’m glad I remembered this year – last year I completely blanked, then had to pay $40 to have another one done.

I think the way it’s looking I’ll have to sell my December music tickets.  I know it’s a month off, but I struggled with pain meds, yet without any there is no way I can manage standing for hours.  Hopefully I’ll get an injection that works, but if not….

Picture: Off to Japan!

I had wicked dreams about bungee cording. It seems my fear of heights is back with flying colors…good timing.  I also experienced the red hot poker feeling in my back, which usually wakes me up.  Andddd sure enough…this is becoming a very unpleasant routine. Yet I recalled the MRI and was happy.

Until that stopped, around 8, when I called about pain meds and they said, “Ummm, yeah, we don’t think that’s a good option.”  Wait, excuse me??!!  Did you not see the results of the MRI?  Suddenly my little relieved world went very, very dark.

I went to work and spent 20 minutes in the parking lot talking to my insurance agent about “in-network” and “out-of-network” physicians.  Headed in to group supervision and could not focus.  Too much pain and too much dismay with my doctor’s office, so  I was sent home.   I am astounded that despite my circumstances, they will not give me the only medication in the last 12 years I’ve found which has worked to minimize pain.  Risk of addiction, yes.  I am very cognizant of this and have, up to now, always kept doctors in the loop about where I am (huge mistake, I now see).  I also tell my kids, my ex, the people in my lives.  I do as much as I can to minimize the potential, because I do not want to g back to that lifestyle.   The doctor called me to set an appointment for initial consultation: December 14 is the earliest available.  I don’t know how I’m going to do this.

There was a lot of calling I needed to do, as well as the only thing I can so when I’m hurting:  I slept. Later, I met with SWerner (man, it was so good to see her face!) to pick up some of her son’s clothing for Ethan.  It was good talking to her.  I miss our days of seeing each other frequently.  The kids were soon home and we sat in the living room enjoying  the fire Ethan had made us.  A beautiful, quiet evening with the sounds of rain framing the crackling  fireplace.  Almost perfect.

I have had a lot of help from people in my life today and for that I am very grateful. (((Thank you)))

Pictures: My MRI

 

I awoke at 1 in the morning…pain, you know.  And then, I could not fall back asleep, so I pondered and contemplated.  Soon, I had one revelation after another until I was revelating all over the place. For example, I read the people who have many pillows were sad and depressed.  “Bite me, motherfucker.” she said, from her 5-pillowed bed.

I thought about my as-of-late (last 5 years?) sugar issue.  Things were on balance (somewhat, when I was able to get out and hike, run, push myself.  Lately?  I feel like hell, I hurt and as a solution, I eat more sugar.  I was feeling pretty helpless until my reality hit me:  I am a badass!  I gave a child up for adoption because I knew I could not provide for him.  I quit drinking.  I quit smoking 2 packs a-day cold turkey.  I started rock climbing because of my fear of heights.  I learned scuba diving because I want to explore.  So absolutely I can quit eating sugar for a month, because I am determined to get rid of these boobs.

Up the hill to my little one.  On the way, I phoned in about my MRI results and heard they received everything yesterday afternoon, but she needed to wait until the doctor saw them and would call me then.  Client and I enjoyed the outside.  I figure I am going to walk more, since at this point I can’t injure myself much worse after yesterday’s flying gazelle act.  .  I got a running app recently to learn how to run “most effectively,” though I have yet to do so.  It seems I may have to become a runner again for a little bit. Down the hill, no word from Doc, to the other school for group and individual, no word from Doc, back to work, no word from Doc. Dammit, Doc, dammit!  Ate lunch, saw two clients then on my way to TB test.  I called Doc again.

I have 2 ruptured discs and a tear!  This is the best bloody news I have had in a long time.  For YEARS I have experienced pain on and off, and while I am terrified of any surgery in which there is no take-home treat (a baby), I am in!  I am scared. I’ve not been in the hospital since Ethan, and before that, my car accident.  I asked L if he’d give me a ride.  He responded “possibly.”  Score.

Home to my babies.  Ethan and I worked more on his homework, then we cooked dinner together.  He uttered these words: “I LOVE high school!”  I wouldn’t kid about that shit.  Mags was busy practicing her ukulele.  I continuously said things like “I’m so excited…” and “I’m so happy!!”    I know this doesn’t sound like a good thing considering I was immediately referred to surgeons (it is clearly no coincidence that I am watching Scrubs), but I am so excited that there is a solution to this pain.  Every 6 years or so my back goes bad again, but hopefully this will be it.  I’m a little concerned for CRB, Hipsmas and my sister visiting for Christmas, plus how the hell am I supposed to stop carrying 40 pounds to work every day?   I’m sure it will all work out.

Pictures: An unintentional office shot;  A shot of office trees for J-Ber.