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I can’t believe I forgot to mention yesterday morning:  my European dream may still have a few breathes in her.  As we drove, Ethan asked if, once he acquired his US driver’s license, he would have to retake/learn everything in Europe.  Wait – what?!?!?  A shadow of possibility still exists!  Mags was busy listened to her tunes, so once I dropped Boy off,  I had to let her know that – yay! – we’ll be moving to Europe next year.  Crickets.

Up to my school site where I discovered a brisk walk with client in the overcast, sprinklyish morning was much smarter than sitting in my office.  Plus, I have medical backing on the benefits of endorphin stimulation created by walking. Prog notes and up to the next site for group where…

…I tripped and flew through the doorway like a gazelle dancing…after a bottle of scotch.  This was probably not the best thing for my back, considering yesterday’s events.  I sat for the entire group, then soon it was time to head down the hill back to my site.  Best thing to do is walk it off, so I did.  I told most of “my kids” that unless it’s pouring rain, we will be walking outside for our session.

Necessary stop to pick up popsicles and tea (maybe a few other things) at the store.  I remembered I’d made my first tomato bisque this weekend, so that would be my dinner.  Now….about these damn cranberries.  Yes, they somehow made it into my shopping basket with lemons and sweet-condensed milk.  If I stopped eating sugar, the pounds would fall off, but unfortunately, my record is 9 hours (as I discovered when I began my “sugar-free October” on 10.1).  I know I’m not “fat” (I prefer “squishy”), yet I feel better about myself when I’m down to my preferred 140 pounds.  Fuck.

Looking forward to the rain and this upcoming weekend.  I’ve decided this “coffee table” needs to go before my Christmas company arrives, so I’m trying to create a “more grown-up” home.  I really did not believe we’d be in the house past July 14.  I guess the joke’s on me.

Picture: Today’s Nature Sessions.

I’m can’t prove it, but I felt something.  I awoke at one in the morning and saw that I had received a message ..which I promptly deleted.  Not gonna play.  Oh but the thunder!  Gawd, it was so intense and beautiful.  A strong rain shower – perfect at 2 in the morning..and then, I could not fall back asleep.  Thoughts of my upcoming MRI made sleep difficult because…what if?  What if there was nothing?  Then what?  Yet memories of all the pain, missed events, time in bed…and I knew there is something going on.

In to the office, again so early – to work on revamping the group, which was very insightful in many ways today.  A client and suddenly remembering so many “just one more things!” that I had forgotten.  Erggg.  Off to the MRI!

The MRI place – University Imaging in Sacramento was hundreds of dollars less than my local MRI place, and they were so kind.  I undress, got into my fancy scrubs (I’m buying myself a pair asap), put on my cozy socks with the smiley faces and waited.  Not even two minutes passed by in my (dare I say) luxurious waiting room and she was ready for me.  The 20 minutes was soothing.  I was supplied with ear plugs and each of the different sounds made me think of an island.  I focused on my breathing and before I knew it, the MRI was over.  I was handed a CD with the pictures and home I drove.

At home Ethan had a beautiful fire awaiting me.  He had argud with me that it isn’t even cold (true), but really…a fire makes everything perfect – especially when accompanied by rain (which happened at 7 something).  I quickly made dinner – gehacktes, a favorite Swiss dish, and we ate.  Then homework, which was tough because while essays make sense to me and I enjoy the philosophical head games, my boy isn’t like me – he thinks in linear fashion.  It was easily obvious that his math teacher for the previous two years explained math in a way he couldn’t understand, so now he has someone who speaks his language.  We’ll have to find him a translator for English and essays.

In a message to my past today, I was able to admit that I had my own way of running away many years ago, myself.  I felt trapped and terrified I would be homeless again when I lost my job after refusing advances from my boss, so I married someone who could guarantee I would have a home, then guarantee the marriage would not be successful (because “wife number 7” is not the charm).  We all have our demons of the past.  Some of us (me) had to go a little further in making mistakes and then cleaning up our past.  I have a questionable past. I had child I gave up for adoption.   I’ve been married and divorced twice.  I can’t find someone to be in a relationship with, and when I do find someone, it is someone who is unavailable, either emotionally or for some other reason.  I do this to keep myself “safe” from being hurt – everyone who reads these has figured out as much, and yet when I really have tried and been interested, I never hear back.  So I’m supposed to be single for a while longer.  It’s interesting to be sure.  I know I appreciate the synchronicity.

Pictures: Spring Fling 2004 – my sober year; I got my “Pussy Grabs Back” Tshirt!! Let the absentee-ballot delivery  begin (on November 8)!!

I love getting late Saturday night phone calls from my sister.

I just realized that I actually have been in a relationship with someone over the last 5 years.  I’ve been in many.  It started out with the gang from The Office, Parks & Rec, 30 Rock, and now I’m buzzing through Scrubs.  I know there have been more, but I can’t think of them.  I fall a little in love with these characters.

My kids came home this evening and suddenly there was life again.  I have determined, however, that when my kids are here, I don’t clean.  Therefore this time around in their absence and my inability to go anywhere to do anything, I got more house cleaning accomplished than in a long while.

I just read the first paragraphs in astonishment:  it sounds remarkably like the life of a sad middle-aged woman.

Ha.

Picture: Ethan’s very clean-dog-hair-free floor.

Such a long sleep…11 + hours and in the end, a wonderful climbing dream which was quite symbolic  to me, only…I forgot how.

The problem is, I was supposed to be at the Eldorado Ski Team rummage sale early to get boarding boots for Ethan.  I had forgotten all about that and was readily enjoying my lazy Saturday morning when I got a text reminding me.  And there it was.  I slurped down another cup of coffee while guilting myself into my need to go, so I went.  There weren’t any boots big enough for Ethan, but I got Mags a sweet pair of Atomic racing skis for $5.  Plus, it is always a treat to see Susan.

On my way home, I stopped somewhere to pick up some stuff for my back.  I have been fighting this for so long, but for fuck’s sake – I missed Greg’s show last night, I canceled rock climbing today, I cannot keep doing this!  I’m concerned that nothing will be found in the MRI on Monday and then what?  Decades upon decades…I’m tired.  I spoke with Lee.  She understands my concerns and was able to talk me through.  So much of my battle is in my own head with beliefs I was raised with.  Sometimes it’s important to change.

I started cooking up a few things at home – 2 of them healthy and one, of course, involved cranberries.  I also began cleaning this house a bit – no need to go overboard, of course, but I got rid of some dog hair and did a little sweeping and moping.

I also changed a relationship in my life.  I’m a big fan of reciprocity and have been tired of only being granted “attention”, for lack of a better term, when this individual wanting something, so, さようなら。 セットの一覧をお楽しみください。嫌いな人.

No pictures again.  Hopefully tomorrow.

Somewhere in the deep, dark night it just started hurting badly again – a pain-pill-before-the-day-even-begins kinda hurt (though I didn’t medicate until many hours into the day).  Early morning up taking my girl to her commitment, then dropping my boy off at school before I headed to work.

I could have stayed home until much later again, but went in early to get things looked at, papers finished, etc.  What good is it staying home if I can’t sleep?  Ran group – and a word to the wise is – if you cannot recall being in group last week , chances are you need to be here.  We’ll save a seat for ya.  It was a  small group – yet very  good, a lot of processing.

And soon, it was time to head to Maggie’s  conference.  This girl – this YOUNG WOMAN  – knocks my socks off.  She is so responsible, so mature, so wise.  She is totally rocking her classes, is excelling as manager for the Friday morning café and I’m wondering if she’ll share some of her magic with her mama.

I headed home, didn’t see my boy walking to meet his dad, but knew he’d be on his way soon enough.  I continued on.  By this point, I knew I wouldn’t be heading to Terrapin Crossroads tonight to see Greg.  Sitting in the car for 15 minutes was uncomfortable, I couldn’t imagine 2+ hours, standing for hours, then driving back again.  Next time, I’m not buying the ticket unless I’m sure I’m going.

A brief view into my life tonight was tearing up during an episode of ‘Scrubs’ then being unable to build a decent fire even with the help of gasoline.  Plus, I have this huge desire to be in love and feel loved.   I know, I’m feeling quite sucky today – no naughty pun intended.

No pictures today.

I have long been one of those people that, when things go so well they really can’t get much better, I hold my breath, knowing  that any moment things will change for the (much) worse.  I have long been an all-or-nothing person…I wish I could change this.

Sitting with Ethan last night, watching Maggie sleep yesterday morning, these times stay in my heart, becoming those moments I build memories around.  Given the population I work with where a tremendous part of the issue is the client’s lack of loving households, my experiences with the kids are even more meaningful to me.

I could have worked from home for a large portion of the day, yet I knew I would accomplish very little, so I was the first therapist in the office, which I enjoy.  I got a lot of paperwork done and set more appointments for new clients.  I’m also headed to a Bessell van der Kolk workshop in December (right after the CRB shows). I’m really looking forward to this.   Then I did something I’m not supposed to do but I’m not going to say what it is (I will tell my supervisor, though). It’s nothing bad, just something we shouldn’t do.

Home for delicious leftovers and a couple episodes of “Scrubs.”   I have also decided I’ll hit TXR tomorrow to be there for Greg’s album release.  It’s time for some tunes.  I’ve missed shows since July.

Enjoying my kids and early to bed.  I love Fall nights.

Pictures:  Speed bumps at work-site 1; Mags showed up at my work today (she was riding by on her bike with a friend and saw I was at this location).  She bought some fuzzy gloves for me on request and slipped them into my car through the crack in my window.

I’m so tired of talking about my boring topics, so I’m going to talk about a brilliant idea I had and put to use once.  I vacuumed Mabi with the hose attachment.  If she wouldn’t have yelped and squirmed so much in pure terror, it would have done a tremendous job of ridding her loose hair.  This dog is only supposed to shed once a year for a bit.  Not Mabi – 24/7, 365.  It’s a sad, sad thing.

I made yogurt last night.  First time since Ethan was a toddler.  It was so deliciously mild….I’m excited to start going back to doing things the way I used to them.  A terrific thing that happened today was I earned a free cup of small coffee after filling my tank after my school site.  The coffee sucked, but it was a lovely treat on a Wednesday morning.  I finished every drop.

I headed to my second school site.  I like this site for several reasons but mostly because these are the kids that scared me at one point, then… I joined them.  Sorta.  The thing is – these kids have shit going on and unlike others, they don’t know/have/use the tools the rest of us have picked up and learned along the way and haven’t had the lives we have had.  It’s a last chance and I feel I spent a lot of my later adolescent years in somewhat of a “last chance.”

I have about 2020 hours.  I’ve maxed out on a lot of categories and have mostly face-to-face (unlimited hours) remaining, but I still hope to finish the 3,000 hours  and be testing in the next year. Then?  I dunno…back to school to switch careers again?  That’s how I seem to do things in my life….

After a full day, then coming home to cook dinner, I got to sit down with Ethan and semi-discuss “Animal Farm” with him so he could get a jump on a paper.  I LOVE discussing books, especially topics like those in “Animal Farm.”  I pulled my copy of Bertram Wolfe’s “3 Who Made a Revolution” on Lenin, Trotsky and Stalin.  I never did finish that book.  It is so complex that someone like me reading it without a guide/mentor is near-impossible, yet it’s a topic and time period I enjoy.  Today my “babies” got their braces tightened and tonight both are hurting.  I remember those days….

Pictures: My Beauty awakens; Homemade yogurt!

Each of us, every single one, has a finite number of words we will use in our lifetime.  Make those words meaningful.

I try to make each moment count with my kids.  I am fortunate for I have them every night as L cannot bring them to school.  I see them and it’s as if every moment we are together the chess clock is ticking.  The second they leave me, I punch the clock so the timer stops.

While at my school site, my phone rang from Sacramento and I instantly knew who it was.  I answered and proceeded to make an appointment for my MRI the Monday following my originally scheduled appointment, and for hundreds less.

I read about harmful ingredients in American food this morning (duh – that’s a prime reason I wanted to move to CH).  I also know that my love of nachos and cranberry crunch doesn’t really help matters, so I decided I need to get things going again and bought ingredients to start making yogurt again as I did when Ethan was a baby.  I heated the milk and couldn’t understand why it was talking so long to cool….seems I had turned the flame to ‘low’ instead of ‘off.’  Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly….

I’m wondering if I should go to Terrapin Crossroads this Friday to see Greg.  I think it could be fun – the only thing holding me back is…my back.  I don’t have enough medicine left to do like I did at Dead & Company.  The way things are now, if things don’t change I’ll end up selling my December CRB tickets.  To me, that’s a clear sign that it hurts.

Pictures: Pics from my school site.

As I drove the kids to school, I let Ethan know that in order to avoid rainy season in Central America, he’d miss a couple days of school the week before Spring Break.  “Aww…I don’t want to miss any school.”  Wait…this is my kid????

The wisest purchase I’ve ever made, besides the Soda Stream (and possibly my ENO hammock) is “the certificate” from America’s Tires.   Twenty bucks plus change and after an hour, I rolled away with my new Michelin tire.  So chill.  Seriously, though – I should have a parking spot at this place as often as I visit.

Group was interesting.  I appreciate the opinions of teenagers because, having been one, I remember that adults don’t necessarily listen to them.  I like to think I do.  New clients, paperwork.  Still trying to figure out this mess of funding.

I did some foundations yoga at home – a whole half hours’ worth.  It’s specifically designed to help ease my back pain.  I am also quite appreciative of Dr. Eric Goodman and his brown cords.  No offense to Shiva Rea, but he is very pleasing to my eyes.  Hopefully he will motivate me to participate every day.  I was also ok’d by my insurance company for the MRI, which would have been this Friday, but I had it moved to a less-expensive imagery center in Sacramento.  Fingers crossed that they will call tomorrow.

Kids showed up around 6:30, just as I was sitting down after yoga.  Ethan is enjoying school 100% more and a big part of that is the fact that he is doing what he needs to be doing in terms of caring for himself.  This kid, this boy of mine is a bouncing bundle of laughter and energy and is someone that I very much enjoy getting to know.

Pictures: Things you do in San Jose  – buy Halloween costumes for the dogs.  I have sunk that low.

I’m starting to think my boobs are a part of the problem.  I truly think they are growing again – what the hell? Is this a part of the perimenopause symptoms? – the tenderness is there, but I think I’ve gone up a cup size in the last 2 months and it is quite disheartening for me.  The reason I begin with the boobs is because my back woke me up in the night and I’m thinking it’s connected.  6 years ago I proudly wore a B cup.  Let’s not even talk about now.

It is wonderful – the dark rooms with the thick curtains hotels create  I assumed it was 4 or 5 in the morning – it was actually past 9.  I read, sipped disgusting-but-caffeinated Wolfganag Puck hotel coffee and showered.  I had to wear the same clothes as yesterday because the shirt I had brought had bleach stains, plus when I was taking my jeans off last night, I forgot I wasn’t wearing button-up jeans and broke the zipper when  I tore them open…literally.  Metal pieces went flying.  We left to grab breakfast, but the hotel restaurant closed in five minutes.  We went to a Denny’s with a line around the building.  Second Denny’s – same thing, a line out the door (Is it free Grand-Slam day or something??), so we went to Chili’s…

…Where he dumped me.  Before we even met face-to-face (which had been planned for today) he’d already decided to dump me saying he had met a wonderful woman (in the last 36 hours)  “who was in the same phase of life as he was.”  WHAT?!!?!  So I sat there – feeling like I’d been punched in the stomach and a little moisture misted my eyes.  The kids immediately saw something had happened as I’m not exactly secretive with my emotions.  My little army….  Ethan assured me he would have met me first to see what my personality like was before dumping me.  This is why I found Match to be so stupid, which must be Universe’s way of keeping me single. Done – no more.

The rain was so fierce on the freeways home, we saw a total of 6 accidents.  I was surprised at my calm ability to drive.  Somewhere in Sacramento, I ran over a piece of metal which pierced my tire, so I pulled over and Ethan & I changed it.  Why bother calling for help?  By the time they would have arrived we were long on our way home.  Mags had a volleyball clinic tonight, so L picked up her friend while Maggie grabbed her gear and we met at a park ‘n ride.

Ethan built a fire for us at home.  Today was One of Those Days: I was dumped,  my Hydro-flask broke and I have a flat tire that cannot be repaired (I spend so much money on tires annually, it’s insane).  I want to check into bed early since my sleep wasn’t good, still – my kids made this weekend incredible.  How lucky I am with that….

Picture: The way home