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I slept so nicely….  At one point, I panic-awoke, certain I had over-slept, only to realize it was a Saturday, so I could sleep in.  When I finally did wake up it was 9:14.  Scooped the kids outta bed around 10:30, dropped the pups off, then super-long Facetime with Olivia and the kids.  I’m looking so forward to seeing them at Christmas.

“Where are we going?” Where are we going?”  This continued incessantly for the next however-long.  We stopped by Mary’s Pizza Shack in wherever-the-hell-it-is-town off the 80 and I was not impressed.  Granted, I didn’t have the big balls, so maybe that was my first mistake.   When we exited on the 680, it was decided that yes, we were going to San Jose, so the kids wanted to know where/why.  I told them I would let them know where we were going as soon as we got to where we were going.  Got that?

Finally, after 4 days of driving (where has my road-trippiness gone?), we got to our hotel, the Wyndham Garden and I told the kids we’d be going to a candlelit tour of the Winchester House.  There wasn’t up-and-down jumping, but I knew we’d have fun.  First, we needed swim gear and a family game, since all of that was left behind, so we headed to TJ Maxx, listening to Trap versions of Fairly Odd Parents, SpongeBob and Star Wars.  When I’m in San Jose, I don’t fuck around.

 

We got to the Winchester House, many people standing around.  Somehow – of course, I had missed the parking lot entrance, but it worked out perfectly as we were able to zoom in and snag a parking spot as someone was leaving.  The tour guide of our group had a Riff-Raffish persona about her, as she spoke loudly and forcefully, scaring the small girl in our group.  First of all, don’t take your kids to such things – they aren’t old enough to understand.  That’s why God invented babysitters.  Throughout the rest of the tour whenever something “scary” happened, 5 or 6 heads turned her way to make sure she was ok.  It was a cool tour, but we couldn’t  see so much of this glorious house because it was dark… still, a fun Halloween event.

After, we headed to dinner – a Chinese food place with few diners and many waiters.   Shrimp dumpling flying through the air (my bad), much laughter and many giggles.  We have such fun together. I wish I could record all the moments we laugh…, but you’ll have to take my word on this.   At the hotel, I noticed that the shorts I had purchased weren’t there, so the kids hit the hot tub while I sat out.  Rats.  Tomorrow, back home.

Pictures ‘n vids: Bottle flipping is never ending here; Campfire Song Trap-Style; San Jose-en....

 

 

 

The rain began right on schedule and I was lulled into such a peaceful state that I was unable to think of what I was supposed to do.  At 6:51 it hit me:  I was supposed to have Mags at Quoia Café by 7, yet she was still asleep.  For whatever reason, the various alarm clocks the kids have are not  working, so….  30 minutes later I was heading with Mags to school when I realized I couldn’t bring her as Ethan, and subsequently I would be late, so we turned back around.  It’s ok… was raining, which made everything alright.

I was at work when I was told the PO was there to check in with me over some clients.  We were talking when The Head Guy heard us and came out to join the conversation.  So there I stood, talking (sorta, I was actually mostly listening,  pretending I was  part of the conversation.  Isn’t it in situations like this where we “fake it til we make it?”) with these two men.  At this moment, I wished I were able to be in a position of importance so I could make a “key point.”

I did what I was to do and then headed to pick up the Boy at high school.  I had forgotten what a Friday high school parking lot was like, and I’m not quite sure we ever had rain on a Friday in West Texas.  I miss my high school years…some parts, anyway.   I’ve been talking to an old friend and it brings back good memories.  Some bad ones, of course, but mostly good. Sometimes, I miss those days.

Another long, deep talk with the Boy.  Surprisingly, despite being upset with me, he unpacked the groceries without me asking.  This is a sign of maturation.  Mags was soon “delivered” then I drove to the store, thinking it would be the perfect celebratory night for cranberry crunch.  In the grocery store I noticed a tall, long-haired brunette, so I snuck up behind her and whispered, “Can I kiss your neck?”  Tiffany was (obviously) startled, then we giggled, hugged and failed another high-five (always).  Good times giggling though the aisles.  We need to spend more time together. I also ran into someone else I know, someone who has been promoted yet recently received word that a major funder (as in 2.2 million dollars) was being cut and this person is quite distraught; clients, employees, programs.  The picture isn’t pretty.  I thought of earlier that morning and was suddenly very grateful not to be “on top,” only having my individual caseload to fret about.  At home, I received  notice in the mail for a Bessel van der Kolk workshop in SF the Monday/Tueday after my CRB shows.  I’ve emailed the clinical director.  I’d pay for it myself – that’s how badly I want to go.  It’s on trauma, which is what I’d like to specialize in.

Once home, I whipped up the CC, we ate dinner and then played cards.  Tomorrow we leave on our surprise and the kids are dying to know where I am taking them.  They are convinced it’s Yosemite, but my only hints are it’s in California and it’ll take between 45 minutes to 4 hours to get there.  I’m excited for our getaway – short but needed.

Pictures: My sammich from Carrie; Ethan’s fire burned so hot that the water from the Japanese kettle often boiled over; Plus, a little video treat from  me to you (kudos to Mags and Mr. T).

 

There is something very odd happening in my house.  There is this kid, this teenage boy who is hanging around me on purpose.  He is talking with me, comes over to wherever I am – even getting up to follow me as I move about the house.  There is also this beautiful young lady – who is so grown and mature; she lives here, also.  I somewhat feared these years (and trust me, I know they are only beginning), but I am proud of these kids, to see who they have become.

Almost forgot I was to drop the Boy off at the high school as I drove past the entrance where I usually drop him off.  High school.  How the hell did that happen?   Dropped Maggie off and then headed to pick up folders to create workbooks for these groups I’m running.  The books used in years past are not even targeted at adolescents and these adolescents in particular are a tough crowd, so I’m trying to make the class a little more than what it is.  This is something I have a little personal knowledge about (I was so badass, I had a black leather jacket with fringes).

As I sat at my desk, I tried to channel a bit of Einstein, having read he had an extremely messy desk.  I have so many thoughts going on in my head that I am unable to simple have one pile of what I’m working on…3 piles at the very minimum.  I learned some TERRIFIC news:  I have about a weeks’ worth of sick time I need to use.  Chances are, I will be getting very ill the week of my birthday which coincides with the four CRB shows I may have purchased tickets for a couple of months ago.   I left to head down to the next site for my clients. I’ve had this family for a while now.  Foster system kids that make it so fucking clear that the system needs to change, yet how that can be managed is a question which has yet to be answered.

The first big storm moving in tomorrow, so I got new wiper blades and Rain-X for the carwindows. Rain-X blew me away in how well it works, so I made sure to load up.  We have a long(ish) drive Saturday for “the Surprise” (the kids think it’s Yosemite).

Home where I began cooking dinner: Salisbury steaks, potatoes and salad with homemade dressing.  I’ve cooked two nights in a row and have practically made everything I can remember.  How did I cook on a daily basis?  WHAT did I cook on a daily basis?!?!    We had wonderful dinner-table conversations and have begun planning what we will do when Olivia and crew come in for Christmas.  We have missed Ingrid, our precious niece/cousin and we don’t even know her little brother Abney, even though we were in Midland at his birth.  Another very odd thing happened tonight:  I asked The Boy to do a few things and he would say “ok” and do it.  I’m not sure what is taking over him, but I really like it.

Pictures: Einstein’s (right??) desk; My pet Boy and his dogs.

Today I celebrate twelve years of being sober, of not taking a drink, of living life one day at a time.  In those twelve years, I have divorced and I have lost my father.  I have also lost more than that, yet I never had to pick up a drink.  I have learned, “after having tried it again once” that it still doesn’t work for me.  I’vee gained many new families:  a huge world-wide sober family as well as a group of music lovers, therapist colleagues and more.  I have learned how okay it is, for lack of a better term, to be single and on my own.  I have learned that “I am enough.”

Today has been five years since I lost my unborn child Ryan.  As soon as Maggie heard that today was my soberversary, she said “Ryan would have been 5” – which isn’t quite correct, but we consider his deathday to be his birthday.  My children would have been the most incredible older siblings, especially to this special child.

My work day was worky.  It is days like today that I wonder what I’m really doing…what am I really accomplishing.  It’s one of those beige shag rug days of blah, blah, blah. There’s the beige sofa, the beige chair, the beige lamp shade and there doesn’t seem to be much point to the whole ensemble at all until BAM!  A bright red pillow appears and suddenly all the beige makes sense.  We needed the beige to make it safe enough for the red to appear, tying it all together.  I know those days happen – I have experienced many. It’s being patient and allowing beige to BE.                                                                                    Sidenote: I am not a decorator, nor do I play one on tv.  This is the best way I could describe days like today.

I was hoping a child would be home when I arrived early-ish from work today.  This house is so empty without my little-ones.  I guess they’re big now, considering both are taller than me.  Biggles? L dropped them off, congratulating me on my twelve years.  I remember that last night of drinking so well (surprisingly):  The kids were put to bed and I started with the white wine, putting it a plastic cup.  L sat up with me a while as I continued drinking, but soon went to bed.  I saw Jay Leno was interviewing the dad from American Chopper and I wanted to record it for him on the DVR.  I remember stumbling about…oh, so happy about how surprised and happy he’d be regarding my thoughtfulness.  After 2 or 3 bottle, of wine, I passed out.  When I came to the next morning, I knew it was over and I could no longer live a life where my children would have to step over the passed out body of their drunken mother.  I called AA and came back home.

Of course, yesterday, on the last day, there was a message from a man and this one seems different.  We spoke today and shall meet on Sunday.  We will see…..

Pictures: Life – flowers and a 12 year chip from Mike, an very special AA friend I’ve known for years.  He recently celebrated 40 years, I believe?; Death – for the time ever, we spotted vultures over our house.  A special message from Ryan.

Work was rushed, but not the busy day it usually is.  I had an appointment with a healer today and I needed to be there by 1 (after the parenting class).  I am very open-minded: I believe almost anything (within reason)is possible.  My brain, however, is another matter.  This wicked little mass has gotten me in more trouble with its bright ideas and opposing thoughts.

The osteopathy was amazing.  I felt my body reacting to it and yet…as I felt it happening, my brain would yell at me: “No, no no! It’s just lactic acid moving!  Kinda like all the deep tissue massage you had for your back, stop being such a hippie-dip!”  My brain is really rather rude at times.  The Doctor was amazing.  She made me feel like I’m way down South, very gentle and using the word “fiddlin’”  whilst explaining what she was doing with my shoulders.  I hopehopehope my brain shuts up for a while and realizes that THIS is what I need to do to heal. ..this and possibly surgery (if the MRI determines it).  I am done with hurting like this.

I went to the store and was kind of disgusted.  We have so many fucking brands.  STACKS and ROWS of beer, yogurt, mustards, oils, eggs, milks, breads, etc.  LOOK at all the meats, poultry and seafood…and this is one store.  I understand choice, but come on.  There are how many billions of people live on this on this Earth?  I feel sick.

I gave my 30 day notice at the gym today.  As close as we are and as many options as it has, I still only made 2 times a week the first week and that was a struggle because it was a “have to.”  Sunday at PipeWorks with Kristin was ELECTRIC.  It was filled with “Ohfuckohfuck!” as I was climbing and then pure “I survived!” as I descended.   My blood was pulsating and every molecule was on fiyah.  This is what I need to do, plus with a climbing partner, I have a responsibility <said Cartman-style>

Today is the last day on Match.  I have successfully completed my 3 months – although I never went on a second date, so I’m not sure how successful that is, but I high-fived myself.  I almost put myself out there and I feel that had I meet a compatible person, it would have been different.  Happy days, happy days in my life, indeed. <beaming heart>

Pictures: This morning’s Wicked Tree; Kids co-baking up a dessert Ethan wanted to concoct.

The morning started very well for a Monday morning: 2 firemen in my house.  As I was lying in bed, half awake, ready to doze off again and grateful for the fan in the window, it stopped.  I checked the lamp with no success, telling myself that I should probably call PG&E to report a power outage but I really wanted to sleep.  Within minutes, of course the alarm went off, so I dressed in a robe, grabbed a flashlight and headed outside to check the breakers.  Nothing.  I was checking to see if my neighbors had power when a firetruck pulled up and stopped in front of me.  A dream come true…until he told me they were checking for a blown transformer.  They came through my house to check the poles out back and then left…no romance, no nothing.  Still, what a kickass way to wake up on a Monday morning.

The kids did really well with no power.  Ethan made the funniest face regarding no waffles, but somehow he survived.  I made oatmeal for all of us, since we have a gas stove. Dropped off my Boy, dropped of my Girl.  She astounds me.  This girl is exactly what I want to be when I grow up – she is so beautiful, so kind, so caring.  I told her to look me in the eyes (this is really tough to do – try it with someone, anyone, and look into each other’s eyes for 30 seconds) and as she did, I told her how I felt about her.

Work.  I love the people I work with.  I had planned to be home after mid-day, because I work long days during midweek, but today was a little different and I ended up staying the whole day.  So much for going to the gym to see about switching things for rock climbing.

Darkness by 7:15 and it gets earlier every night.  I live for this time of the year and these nights – the cooler weather (which will happen, hopefully, at some point), fire in the fireplace… cozy socks so my bare feet don’t feel all the loose dog hair. Working nine hour days on top of child-raising, “cooking” and laundering, who the hell has time to sweep floors? I had another talk with The Boy tonight.  I love that kid.  There comes a point in every mother’s life when we learn about situations are kids are involved in which are out of our control.  I have taught my Boy a lot, now I sit back and have gotta have faith <cue George Michael below>.

Listening to the Giants-Cubs game.  I had a Reikki session scheduled at nine to help my ailing back, but with the game just entering the mid of the 6^th, that time won’t work.  Fortunately Mark rescheduled for 10.  We’ll see if I can be Reiki’d back to health and then slumber.  If Monday started with firemen, I can’t wait to see what Tuesday brings.

Pictures: Boy and his pup; My post firemen no-electricity coffee

Video: Munzer Hips do “Faith” by George Michael in 2014

 

Last night was wonderful…nostalgic.  I communicated with Someone and learned something beautiful: We have no idea the effect we have on people in our lives.  I have always had a place in my heart for this person and he shared he felt the same.  Despite years and years passing by, and things being as they are, it’s just nice to know that a light once shined.

As Merle said, “There’s a circle of people where I’m no longer welcome….”  The thing is this – I have my beliefs about certain topics, but for the most part I’m very neutral.  Yes, I do tend to lean more to the left, but I have voted Republican many a time when I felt the Democratic candidate didn’t provide what I felt was necessary.  I don’t see myself as a flaming liberal, though many I grew up with in West Texas may disagree.  Yet I do not like how Trump treats and objectifies women.  I do not like how he marginalizes people, I dislike HIM.  I don’t care WHAT party he represents – the man is an asshole.

I was up earlier than anticipated, but perfect timing to meet my friend for rock climbing.  We met at 10 and headed to PipeWorks in Sacramento.  I have not done this in 6 years and PW is a little different than Granite Arch is – they tested me on belaying and tying in.  I remembered NOTHING and the kid (he was maybe 20?) who tested me made me more nervous than Mrs. Morrow in math class when I was in 4^th grade.  Finally I made it and we began.  We climbed maybe 4 climbs each, plus some bouldering.  The climbing was easy-peasy on my back.  The bouldering …not so much.  Had I climbed down, it would have been no big deal, but I jumped the final 4 feet, which was unsmart (desmart?).  It was exhilarating, however on my last climb I stopped after about 15-20 feet up because my arms were exhausted and I didn’t trust them to get me to the top.  This is a kick ass climbing arena and I might as well put my unfeminine man-hands to good use.

I got home and took a hot bath.  I am so pathetic about even getting on stuff to head to the gym to sit in the hot tub.  I think it would be smarter to cancel the gym and sign up at PipeWorks.  K and I could go after work and on weekends.  Having someone to push me is what I need and this is something that gets my electricity jumping.  I’m grateful the life- insurance was approved before I started this up again.

Kids came home at separate times – L dropped M off and I picked E up at the lake where he was riding his bike.  I can’t disclose anything due to strictest promise of confidentiality, but I am SO FUCKING PROUD of one of my kids for what they did tonight for someone.  That’s all.  Before dinner we talked about politics a little bit and I love the fact that I have the level of relationship with my kids to where I can explain to them why I bought and will be wearing the “Pussy Grabs Back” Tshirt.

Pictures: Country road picking up Ethan; Chalk hands – I’ve missed you.

“She skips me like a rock. Rolls me like thunder. Knocks me down like a fifth of Tennessee. She’s a pitch that I can’t hit. A joke that I don’t get. She’s crazy and that’s all right with me ~ “Alright” by Cross Canadian Ragweed.     I saw these lines in a post this morning, sent to me not too long ago from a Someone who was in my life a Very Long Ago.  Words are so powerful…they can easily tear us down or build us up.  I prefer the latter.  Thank you, person who sent me this post.  <smile>

I started foundations yoga this morning and it hurt like a motherfucker.  Baby steps though – I only did the beginning exercises, though I may do more later.   I planned a surprise “just ‘cause”  for next weekend.  Ethan has a FB account and says he doesn’t read these (which he probably doesn’t), but just in case – I’m not saying anything.  Nothing fancy, but I think it’ll be fun.

I didn’t do more later.  I studied for my law & ethics exams before realizing I’m not even signed up yet, so both checks were written (one for MFT, one for PCC – I have to take two separate exams!), applicable forms filled out and then a little more studying.  To be honest, her voice loses my interest the second I hear it and I tune out.  This is why I prefer books to study.  Big, thick, juicy books.

Mostly though, I read and considered the shitstorm that is Donald Trump.  Obviously I do not know him, but I have known men like him, men whose egos where bigger than necessary, guys who make my stomach turn and my skin crawl.  The men who have raped me? The men who have assaulted me?  Similar to Trump.   As a young lady taught to always respect adults, I never did what I should have done, which is to follow Hellen Mirren’s advice.  She said she regretted not having told men to “fuck off” more, because it was empowering.  If there is one thing I want to teach my daughter, it is to tell certain men to “fuck off.”   I just wrote it twice and it kinda me feel like a badass, so I said it aloud a few more times, just to impress the dogs, then I cursed the NLDS score (but if anyone is gonna beat the Giants, it needs to be the Cubs).

Giants date-night at the gym on the elliptical turned out to a Giants date-night on my sofa.  I just couldn’t make it out the door, which annoys me to no end.    I’m really really frustrated with myself, to the point of tears yesterday at work, talking with our blonde bombshell Zumba instructor.  I know it’s “just a few pounds” but they all seemed to have ended up in my thighs and my boobs.  I miss my B cup.  L sent me pics of The Boy who is digging a mountain bike track at the house.  Glad to see a little blood didn’t stop him, plus, picking at the scabs has given him hours of fun time.  Tomorrow I’m going rock climbing with a fabulous lady from work and am hoping to make a habit of this.  In the meantime, I’m sitting in my living room with a fire, door open, listening to the crickets and looking forward to the rain.

 

Pictures: Yoga returns…sort of; A fire.  Yes, I know it was 85 degrees today.  I don’t care, I’m ready for Fall/Winter.

I remembered.  I haven’t thought of this in a long time, yet thinking of the past as much as I have in the last week has surfaced many things which have been forgotten.  He was my boss.  He was in the AA program and owned the shop I worked in when I got my first little studio apartment after having been homeless.  He didn’t “do” anything, but he offered.  He made comments which made me want to crawl out of my skin, he wanted me to accompany him on a cruise.  Now how does a 23 year-old refuse such advances and still keep her job?  Exactly.  I didn’t.

There is a dark path my life had taken when the above happened.  By this time, I was actually finding my way out of much worse.  Why am I so adamant about women’s issues?  Because there were many situations like the above, situations I was helpless to do anything about.  I remember spending a lot of time on the phone with law enforcement, but there was nothing that could be done unless I captured his words on tape.  In my life today I would no longer be so helpless, but then? I was paralyzed with fear.  I was a kid, newly sober, struggling to make it on my own, far from home.  Without this job I would lose my place to live and I didn’t want to be homeless again.

Mags had an even “superer-early” morning at school since they had to make hot chocolate and croissant sandwiches again, so girly-girl’s light was long on before I was even up.  I think she said she was up at 5:30.  Ahhh, the incentive of seeing that special face is wonderful, I know.  The Boy had originally said he wanted to go to school early, as well, but when I checked on him he said he’d changed his mind.  Smart kid.  He is very tired lately, so his body his hard at work at becoming “manly.”    My babies.  It seems in the last month, something indescribable has happened and the future is becoming the present much faster than I want it to.

I was spinning.  As committed as I’ve been to making sure ‘someone’ is taking their medication, I’ve neglected myself and today am feeling the effects.  I went to work, finished closing files, switching clients from one funder to another, and building up group material.  It’s tough to make a relapse prevention class “fun” and “engrossing:, especially if you are 17 and aren’t ready to quit using yet.  I understand this well because I know: I have been there.  The least I can do is plant some seeds, understand, listen, and be accepting.  I want these kids to know I care about them.

I came home and went straight to bed.  I’m feeling horrible – not just physically with this spinning head and hurting back, but emotionally.  I feel absolutely disgusting and though I know what I have to do to feel better, I can’t bring myself to do it.  Dr of osteopathy appointment Tuesday and my MRI is the 21^st, so hopefully I am closer to a solution with that and my SSRI medication has been refilled.

Pictures: My “Smash the patriarchy” sticker got its special place on my Lizzie;  A shot Mags snapped as I was driving her to school this morning.

Hiccups in my life; I was a sixth grader at Hillander School when I first began taking pills to change my reality.  Sleep was so difficult for me, so I began sneaking into the medicine cabinet to take my mom’s sleeping pills.  When half a pill no longer worked, I took a whole one.  When that stopped, I moved up to two.  It wasn’t every night – but it was more often than not.  I’m not sure how it kept working – how there continued to be pills, but I have my theories.  Fortunately it didn’t last too long; I could tell I was already sliding on a slippery slope.   There exist vivid recollections in my mind… that I was terrified of what was happening to me…how I was already feeling the need of a substance in my life.  One day I told a teacher, Mrs. Cochrane, that I was scared because I was sneaking pills at night to sleep.  I can remember where she and I were standing, but I have no idea what her response was.  Such is the life of a twelve year old in Midland, Texas.

I was fortunate today because I got to be “group-supervised” alone…it was just me – so no circular conversations, my supervisor can usually connect the dots – even when I can’t.   Many questions, many answers.   Let’s talk a little bit about perception, shall we?  I have a couple who, on a funder survey, marked down that they were moderately impoverished, not extremely impoverished  because though homeless, they had a tent to live in.  Let’s talk about that perception, shall we?  I know I was extremely humbled.

I spoke with a probation officer, then received a call from the kid-in-question.  Coincidence?  Nope…it’s  Universe In Action.  I headed to the continuation school, talked, back to work and then off to my third and last site for the day. It’s a tough call:  do I hurt so much I can’t think or do I take meds?  Having grown up with a mindset of once an addict, always an addict (see paragraph 1) I am careful, I am conscious.  I am also in pain.  Yet I received two messages today:  one that, despite having used certain pain-alleviators, I was accepted by a different life insurance company (they have a very stringent policy and a better plan) and that my MRI has been scheduled.

Home and to bed to lie down for a bit.  I also have an appointment with a DO on Tuesday (I sound so damn broken!), and I’m glad, because I can barely lie down without my body/neck hurting.  I learned The Boy was at  the JV football game, so eventually, I went to pick him up. This snarkily adorable kid had been at school all day…was laying on a school bunch until the JV game, hung out with a new-found “sorta” friend.  This kid-who-hates-school snuck his math binder home so he could show me his work and how he is doing.  And The Girl?  She showed me the lovely birthday card which had accompanied the gift she’d received from a Certain Someone.  Be still my heart..I remember those days of True Love well.  ILGC <giggle…this is what I wrote time and time again in 7/8^th grade).

Tonight, I had an important discussion with my kids about two very important topics: pornography and the effects  of it on teenagers into adulthood & how it destroys more marriages than actual affairs,  and how very much I love them,  that I am never going to stop asking questions and being very present in their lives.  As horrible as it sounds, because this was never a goal, my divorce has created a closeness with my children that probably would not have been as deep where I still married.  The same with a relationship – these five years of being single have given me more than I could ever dream, and if I had to do it over again, I would, without question, choose the same path.

Video: Our morning – Mags singing along to “This Town” by Niall Horan (“Drive highways and byways to be there with you. Over and over the only truth…Everything comes back to you.”  I  found this to be quite prolific of my life with these two) as Ethan strums the ukulele.

Picture: My Wicked Tree reigns in gold

 

My apologies about the size of the vid – I am not quite sure how to manage WordPress yet (still)