tribeoftrio.com

Ethan and I blew up about fifty balloons last night – 50 balloons that I would transport into Maggie’s room early the next morning as Ethan cooked bacon.  I was so excited for this early morning adventure. I set the alarm  20 minutes earlier, so I would have a moment to wake up  before rousing The Boy. When I woke him, he quickly got up and set to work with the bacon while I put the cinnamon rolls in the over.  I placed Maggie’s new iPhone in her room, alarm set and I began moving balloons(PS – I found a great way to get refurbished iPhones..).  20 or so minutes later, The Boy was in the shower as I looked at the clock: 6:30 – I quickly ran to her door as a thirteen year old girl emerged holding an iPhone and I began to sing.

She was so grateful, hugging me tearfully – she’d had no idea.  I lit the candle on her birthday cinnamon rolls and sang again, then she shared stories of how she’d really assumed we were going to head to the phone store to “look at our options” on Thursday.  I should be an actress, Mags said.  I dropped the kids off, embarrassing Mags yet again as I sang  to her and honked the horn at her campus.  I live for these moments.  At my school site, my precious client brilliantly told me I should be Swiss cheese for Halloween.  I think I shall.

My Perfect Storm emerged at work following  a nacho lunch consult:  I stood up for my right not to do math (super-confusing road mileage), I discussed the groups’ needs in an educator versus teen addict mindset and had a meaningful conversation with our clinical director and then later, I was given the opportunity to co-facilitate (and thereby mostly fill out my full-time hours) another parenting group.

After my final clients, I hurried off to meet Maggie with L and The Boy.  Word is, my faux-daughter’s dad was picking up some senoritas (a baked good my daughter adores) in Sacramento and would meet his real family where my family was dining for the evening so Maggie’s BFF could deliver the goods. Got that?  It’s confusing, I know, but man, am I tired….   We enjoyed a lovely dinner and it felt a little odd having my ex-husband buy my dinner once again, but it was a lovely experience to celebrate Maggie’s birthday.

Once at home, I sat with Ethan and we worked on his English essay.  He struggles in writing and hits dead-ends everywhere…this boy who has just discovered that he actually enjoys math.  I told him he is creating new pathways in his brain and it will get easier with practice.  I wish I could find a way to better explain the concepts which come easier to me (digging for deep meanings is what I live for).  Finally, my daughter had to turn in her real phone at 10 o’colck.  How cool is that?!

Pictures: Maggie thanks her brother for the selfie on her new iPhone; Maggie’s BFF delivers the senoritas; My fortune – oh, yes… I can feel it.

I thought the sun was hiding:  long past the moments she’d begun to make her appearance, the horizon sat, empty – devoid of light.  This pleased me to no end, yet eventually, obviously, the light filtered in my window.  Another whiz-bang coffee morning, the type that has me mimicking the manic side of bipolar disorder.  Shit, no wonder folks don’t want to take their medication; if my “coffee window” didn’t close after about an hour and a half, I’d drink the stuff all day long for this euphoric feeling.

One of the highlights of today was receiving a message from Evan early this morning – he sent a video from the Bear Fest  – the Mother Hips practicing Wicked Tree…oh, how my heart soared hearing the instruments…then Greg looked into the camera…and the tune has been in my head ever since (which is good since this morning I saw a meme of Trump, Putin and Kim Jong Un to Golden Girls theme, so that was what was playing until “Wicked Tree”….’thank you for bein’ a friend….’).

At the school site today, I met a cool little kid who isn’t a client – just hanging out in the office, which (according to him) he frequents often.  He is an immigrant from Russia, with some of the most eloquent and descriptive language I have heard from anyone, much less his age (10).  Mother is Russian, father is Italian.  What a delightful child!  He is sure he will see me again next week, so he and I shall continue our “chat” and honestly I’m looking forward to it.

After a long day at the site, I raced downhill to catch Maggie’s Tuesday volleyball.  Another tough loss, but the girls are learning and improving with each game.  Home to slowly prepare for Maggie’s early morning surprise tomorrow.  I can’t wait.

Something very unfortunate has happened to an incredible young woman – a newly-married twenty year old who attended CMP and has been coaching many of the athletics teams the last couple of years.  I  learned that she is in ICU in a medically-induced coma, though I won’t go into detail as it’s not my story to tell.  I saw her Thursday after Maggie’s volleyball game – out there on the field coaching the flag football team – bright and alive as anything.  This is how quickly life changes.  I’ve experienced it myself long ago and it is occurrences like these which cause me to stare a second longer at my kids as they leave the car, walking to class.  We never know.  Treasure your loved ones, squeeze them a little harder tonight, kiss their cheek, and whisper how much you love them.

Pictures:  My 12 year old’s final day of school; Serve!

I dreamed I had missed getting up at 6-whatever to get the kids to school on time, but it was ok because my mom had done it.  That’s all fine and dandy in a dream (which I knew I was doing) but my mom isn’t here in real life.   I slept until 10 in my dream (an impossibility, due to the light factor).  Ethan’s driving can’t come soon enough.

I had coffee this morning; first time in 2 days. It was a little rough, I shan’t lie, but I’m a do-or-die coffee drinker, so I finished it off.  It was later noticed, however, by Maggie, Ethan and myself how happy I was, post-consumption.

Let’s talk about forgetfulness, shall we?  No, not the “I bought Maggie two birthday cards within days of each other” issue, because that’s really not too big a deal (yet) and she’ll think it is so typical of me and will find it totes adorbs.    No, let’s talk about the “Holy hell, where did I put those 13 Tiger’s Milk bars because I just had them and they aren’t anywhere to be found.”  This is what happened with the keys.  I can’t put a Tile™  on everything I touch.  Let’s talk about the fact that an hour later – one fucking hour –  of searching every spot I remembered being, I found them, hidden in a place I don’t recall hiding them in.  And you people wonder why I worry about cooking when my kids aren’t with me.

The boy was out of school early, so when I noticed kids walking home, I texted him and picked him up.  We hung out – he did some knife-handle cutting with his jig-saw and I cleaned.  There has been so much of a 180% change (double that, though not a 360% change, which would be back to how he began, so more like an emboldened, underlined, italicized 180% change) in the time since he began his meds again.  The kid is suddenly my sweet, adorable, affection kid again.  Heaven help the person who gets in the way of Ethan and his meds…I will cut them.

Boy and I headed off so he could do some driving (he is really passionate about becoming a good driver) and then to get some things for Mags before L brought her home from volleyball.  When we returned home, Mags and L were sitting in front of the house, waiting for us.  Ethan showed of his wheelie skills, the kids went around on longboards and bikes and L helped me try to figure out why the garage door has recently decided to stop working properly.  Later, Maggie asked me once again if she was getting an iPhone for her birthday.  Once again, I had to tell her how excruciatingly expensive those bad boys are.    Seeing the tears was heartbreaking. Boy, oh boy, is that girl in for a surprise….

Pictures: My coffee mug from a very special student when I taught long ago; Both of my cards for the same girl.  Fortunately, Ethan and I have decided we will cross out “daughter” in one and write “sister”

Another deplorable night with back pain.   It has gotten to the point where I’m even considering that it could <gasp!> be my mattress.  This incredible, loving mattress that I refer to as my SO (that’s significant other). it could be a part of what is causing so much pain.  I finally woke up at…7. Still felt quite “icky” yet fell back asleep with little effort.  I can tell I’m really sick when I can sleep in the day time.   A mistake perhaps, but I ate one of Maggie’s bagels with cream cheese because I hadn’t eaten at all the day before.  I slept a bit more.

A fantastic dream: I was at a music fest and there were so many vivid colors.  I had to turn around because I had forgotten my camera and that’s when I woke up.  I was now at the level where I felt good enough to do something and then within moments I had to go lie down again.  This happened at least 5 times. VERY slowly, I got the kitchen cleaned.  I got the bathroom done.  That’s about where it ended.

Ethan and I headed out to get some driving practice before I picked up Maggie but everything was locked (as in gates to the parking lots) so we headed to the store to purchase some things for Maggie’s upcoming birthday and of course…I left my wallet at home…the ONE thing I specifically set out so I wouldn’t forget it.  We drove to Maggie’s friend, which is also where two of Ethan’s closest friends live, and it being off the beaten path, Ethan asked if he could drive.  I agreed, on the grounds that he let me drive up the steep part. “Why?” he asked, “I’d just stay in first gear and drive slowly” which is exactly right.  So, gripping the front “oh shit!” bar and clenching every fricking muscle in my buddy, I let him drive, even up the steep part.  His second time driving the bus and he drove it up a steep hill which had frightened me the first (and second, and third) time I’d driven up.  I’m sure there was a sense of pride as his buddies watched him drive the bus into their driveway.  Way to go, bud.

Maggie told me about her concert – she absolutely loved it and can understand my depression when my music fests are over.  The kids and I sat and listened to Sir Richard Attenborough tell us about the jungle as we ate dinner.  These types of evenings are some of my favorites.  Spending time with my babes, who are no longer babes. 

Today is a day when tears appeared many times in my eyes.    Memories of that horrific day are recalled so easily, as if it were yesterday.  I remember my husband waking me up with a call to tell me a plane had flown into one of the towers, and the rest of that story unfolded.  My heart goes out to all of those affected – in our country and others.  Granted, this was not the first terror attack by any means, but it was one day where terror changed the world.

Pictures: My bed.  I hope the mattress isn’t the problem; My tribe. 

My body (back, especially) hurt so badly last night; I assumed it was all  my back – this was a false assumption.  I awoke with a not-so-terrific-feeling in my stomach, and despite my do-or-die attempts to appease the ickiness with coffee, it was not to be.  Soon, I gave back.  I’m sure you can all figure out what I mean by that.

The thing is…Ethan was SO excited about his bike ride today; he and a friend from school were planning on riding from Cameron Park to Placerville – over 20 miles – then I’d pick them up, there’d be dinner and a sleep over.  Erghhhh.  I eased out of dinner and sleepover but Ethan wanted his friend to come over.  Sure, no problem.  Ethan hasn’t had one friend over, hasn’t had one friend spend the night.  Makes me sad, but I think this friend will be able to in the future.  It turn out the friend couldn’t come over and it was rather late, anyway.  Another time (ok, I know this is garbled and repetitive, but I feel icky, remember?)

I spent the day in bed, occasionally giving back, so there isn’t much to report, so I’ll do what I can.  On the way to drop Ethan off at his friend’s house for the bike ride, we passed by the apartments we lived in during the separation and subsequent divorce.  I asked Ethan if that had been difficult for him and he said no, not at all.  “You and daddy fought a couple of times, but it wasn’t a big deal.  And you guys talked all the time anyway, you still do – it’s like you’re still married but living in separate houses.”  This could play a big part as to why I’m still single (apparently I’m still married).

Picked up the boys at 7:20 in Placerville – my poor boy is so sore…the seat is hard and doesn’t absorb the ride.  He had checked in with me twice on the ride and always signed off with an unsolicited “love you.”  He is doing so much better after resuming his medication and a few days ago I heard  words I never thought I’d hear: “I’m really enjoying math, I actually understand it.”  Granted he was on medication last school year, yet still had such difficulty. Yay to this.

He came in to say goodnight and we talked a bit.  Then he came to kiss me good night (no worries, I warned him of the ickiness) so he just hugged me, instead.  This is my Boy.

Pictures: Ethan loaded up his bike; Mabi was concerned that I was in bed all day and attempted to comfort me.

The Boy kept me up an hour past my bedtime last night, but there was absolutely no way I could let his pleas of “Mother!  Would you like to read some literature with me?!” pass me by (in an English accent, no less, so it sounded more like “Mutha, would you l/eye/k to read sum lit-ra-cha with me?”).  He read his New York Times Best Seller book and I read Kurt Vonnegut.  It was quite dandy.

Super icky getting up – I love sleep that much.  Got Maggie up early (she’d mistakenly set her alarm clock for 5:57 PM, so it never sounded), drove her to school by 7(ish).  Headed home quickly to shower then have Ethan at school by 8:07(ish) then back to Maggie’s school (Quickly!  Quickly!! They close down the “café” by 8:20 and of course I am behind every single slow driver that there is) to support their croissant/ham & cheese breakfasts which they began last week.  Having teens, all the dollar bills are long since used, so I brought out every single money-storage piece I have in my car to count out change.

 

Off to work where I was able to finish up prog notes from sessions and talk with a colleague about the new group which was beginning today, only…it didn’t.  Next week, then, so I looked into better alternatives and headed off for my Friday.  At home I noticed the frames were in and was so excited about being able to put them on the bus, but there were things to do…like pick up the boy…

 

…right now!  And there he was, walking home from school, so I scooped him up, changed the plates with so.much.effort!  Lizzie doesn’t necessarily cooperate easily.   Picked up Mags to drop her off for her fabulous concert weekend of Weezer and Panic! at the Disco with her friends.  We’ve been listening to a ton of 21 Pilots together (“House of Gold” has been going through my mind all week), too.  Maybe I’ll take her in February.

 

Ethan and I headed to Folsom to pick up a mountain bike for him and we hung out together…ate some dinner, talked about all sorts of things, walked to Snooks Candy store – a family tradition since they were babies.  Walked around old town Folsom, then he got his bike out to ride around a bit on this warm “Texas kinda night.”  It is nice hanging out with my kids the way I have these last two weeks – last weekend Mags and I had such fun; today Ethan and I are doing the same.  I lovedlovedloved my babies and my cute little ones, but wow…this is so cool.  How fortunate I am to have deep insightful discussions with these human beings.  There is little which is as meaningful to me.

Pictures: Wicked Tree knew good stuff was going to arrive in the mail today; Lizzie gets framed; Ethan cruising Old town Folsom.

I went to to the DMV today.  Picked up a Very Special Delivery, but as I was waiting to pick up this Very Special Delivery, I sat.  I sat a lot – 50 minutes for a 3 minute transaction, but you know, hey.  The folks who made an appointment waited as long as I did, so I don’t feel too bad about not having done that.  They need a special line similar to the “15 items or less” line found at the grocers.

Group Supervision, only this time there was one other person (a new trainee) so it was an actual “group.”  I talked about some clients and it wasn’t long before it was time to go to my school site.  On my way I spoke to The Professionals about buying a house.  There will be a sit-down coffee, but the point of the matter is that it seems to me no matter how I prepare, I tend to fall short.  I know eventually I will pull ahead, but at age 44, the age where my dad bought an airplane after making something from nothing, I could still make more money working at Costco.

After school site to the Cameron Park facility and then…Maggie’s volleyball game.  I love seeing my girl play a sport that she loves.   It is fun – yet very stressful watching her.  If she ever gets to the Olympics I won’t do well.  The game was lost – tough game, but that just gives us stuff to work on.

Ethan was over at the football game seeing about ref jobs, so we headed there after volleyball, then we headed home.  The only issue is – it’s six and I hadn’t taken anything out of the freezer.  Ashamedly, I took the kids to The Burger Hut for dinner.  Ethan got to practice driving again; this time he backed out of our very sloped driveway (terrified me in theory, but I didn’t scream once!) and we headed around the block for a spin.  His turns are getting much better (second time around – by 15 he’ll be a pro) as he learns to navigate space.   We went for a little bit of a longer drive down the very deserted neighborhood road.  Mags is right: it’s weird with him in the driver’s seat, but it sure is nice hearing him talking about learning depth perception and proper turn-width.  All these years of talking about proper driving etiquette (drive in the right lane, passing the left) and safe driving habits (use your turn indicator) are panning out.

 

Home. Finally.  My head is becoming achy and my throat is becoming hurty, but while Maggie baked cookies for her friend Evan’s birthday, Ethan and I watched you-tube videos together, then he started tickling me and Maggie jumped in to assist him.  These are terrific family nights that make memories.  So what if there are a few curse words I utter as peals of laughter escape my throat, that’s perfectly ok.  These are our nights.

 

So…I couldn’t write anything super-exciting or heart-pounding today, but that’s ok.  My heart pounded when I picked up those beloved plates and it pounded like hell when the kids and I were playing together.  Life isn’t about all those exciting moments – because those are few and far in-between.  It’s about finding joy in those regular days and finding the bliss in the days when your kids tickle you.

 

Pictures: I finally got Lizzie’s plates;  Maggie waits….;Ethan & his best friend

I know I keep talking about my sleep each night, but it’s a third of my life, so I feel it deserves a mention, at least.  Last night was absolutely hilarious yet scary at the same time.  I was so tired…sooo very tired that during my nightly urinary adventures, I was lost – had no idea where I was. I ran into the wall, but couldn’t get my bearings straight.  In the breadth of a second I  had been transported to being a little 4 year old girl  who had locked herself into the WC (bathroom) in Hirschegg, Austria, the village where I had been baptized as an infant and  I was trapped.  40 years later, I realized I could turn on the light..and found myself by the sink.  Being the brilliant journalist that I am, I captured this experience on my voice recorder last night.  Over a 30 second period I said these words: “Remember..I talked about sleeping deeply… question mark.  Last night I was wandering and getting lost. <long pause> I don’t even know where I was going, I had to turn on the light.  That’s how deeply I was sleeping.”  Christiane Amanpour, eat your heart out.

Up to Pollock Pine where I passed emergency vehicles rushing to a car accident.  The scanner let me know it went off the road and there was someone ejected from the car.  At my site, I fell for this precious kid (no vomiting today).  This child is a doll and I am looking forward to next Wednesday.  As I drove back to work, I saw the car – a huge hole in the windshield where a body had flown through.  I’m not sure how it ended, but it doesn’t look good.

And then…a monthly staff meeting where additional confusion was thrown on top of my already muddled brain.  Consistently, time after time, I am told, “No, no you understand this” or “you know more than you think you do,” and yet…it doesn’t connect; the synapses are not making a connection.  As a solution, I suggested melted cheese to my J-Ber.  Fortunately she saw the common sense in this and agreed.

Nachos were my final plummet.  I inhaled that shit like cocaine and oh my god, was it good.  I even got the re-fried beans instead of pinto, that’s how far I went.  This whole anti-carb thing has gone far enough so after my nacho experience (and work, of course, I am responsible enough to have gone to work to see clients after lunch), I bought bread, bagels (for Maggie’s breakfast though I’ve had two – first time in decades) and tortillas.  I think I’ll go back to my sprouted bread with peanut butter for breakfast. Simple beginnings.

So.   One call was about a house – a gorgeous, perfect house.  Tile roof, brick house, 2 car garage, two fireplaces, an enclosed patio, backyard, 3 bedrooms and 2 baths. However…it is just me.  Just me.  My job is with a non-profit agency…the one that pays the least.  It isn’t smart to do this, not now – because I don’t want to have to work my ass off to pay for this house so I can sell it one day (soon?!?!), thus I said no…which is the responsible thing to say, right?  And I’ll keep looking and maybe I’ll find a house and maybe I won’t.  I just know I’m not killing myself in a place I don’t even like and can’t wait to get out of (wowza – if that ain’t bitter sounding, I don’t know what is).  Tomorrow I am going to try to not write about food or sleep, the two “action” points of my life.  🙂

No picture again, though I was going to add last night’s riveting audio recording- just not sure how to do so on WordPress.

I awoke from a sleep which had reached such depths that within moments, I was ready to slumber once again.  Hours filled with such emotion will do that to a person.  Yet, there is a benefit to waking up to these mornings…there is crispness in the air and my mornings are all the more wonderful because of it.  I am not one of the pumpkin spice latte people, but I sure do appreciate fall.  Cooler weather and darkier darkness.  I love it.

Tuesdays are not the best way to come off a holiday weekend – not when I have to be up the hill by 8:30.  The great thing is I discovered that I’m not late – even though we left 10 minutes later than planned.  I made it to school and…long day, yet a good day.  I’m not necessarily “accepted” yet by many of the kids, but that’s ok.  All in good time.

As I headed home, I thought of two things: my bed and a European road trip when I was a kid.  Let’s hit these one at a time, shall we?  When I get into my bed each night in my evening wear, I tell my beloved (the bed) the same thing each night:  “Oh my god, I love you so much!” and I mean it with every fiber of my being.  I spend the next few moments reacquainting myself with this beloved piece of furniture.  I know this sounds somewhat perverse, but I can assure you it isn’t.  Next topic:  When I was about 9-12, we went on a 2 day road trip from Zurich Switzerland to our cabin in Pack, Austria.  It’s a tiny little dorf (village) in Styria on top of the mountain near my father’s hometown of Köflach.  On this 2-day road trip, I sat in the backseat of my Tanti’s Volkswagen, behind my mom, who was, in the beginning, a passenger.  It was a terrific drive.  Andrea and I had tape cassette and listened Euro hits all the way to Austria.  I remember incredible views, delicious rolls with butter, orange Fanta and a beautiful hotel with the fluffiest duvet.  The duvets Americans know are like slices of bread: thin.  Yet these  – like the fluffiest of marshmallows.  Damn, how I wanted to give my kids a taste of that.

When I got home from work– I returned two phone calls.  Not gonna say, but fingers crossed.

Had a delightful talk with the ex-mister, then spent a wonderful evening with my children.  It has been a long day and I plan on returning to that glorious bed.  I can see why I’m single…that bed is stiff competition (no pun intended).

Picture: My henna looks more like liver spots. <frowny-face>

I gotta be honest…I lost interest in LoR at the beginning of the second movie –and neither Mags nor I had any idea what was going on in the third one.  It seemed every other scene was a war, so we stopped the last one about 30 minutes from the end.  I slept.  I awoke.  High day yesterday, waking up to a lower day today.  That’s how it goes.

This morning I had the opportunity to have my mind blown in methods and ways I’m not even conscious of….  I met with The Dr. for some help towards my groups, one of which will begin on Friday.  I was astounded and much reminded of my philosophy class three-quarters of a score years ago (That’s Lincolnian for “15 years ago”) when I told my philosophy professor I had no idea what was going on in class and he assured me I knew more than I thought I did.  This is the same thing The Dr. tells me which makes me think of this:  By dipping my pinky toe into the water, I know what it’s like to skin-dive forty feet beneath the surface.  It was, as they say, a wicked good morning.

When I got home, Mags assured me she would be going to her friend’s house soon, which made me kinda sad because…WHY?!?  She is my daughter, she is supposed to go out.  Plus, I have 3 men on Match who “are interested”, but for fuck’s sake, that’s just stupid.  The bottom line is this:  I say I am not really interested in a man because I say I really want to move in 5 years, but that may or may not happen. I am scared to move, scared to stay.  Scared to get in a relationship, scared to be in a relationship, scared to do much of anything, really.  Fear.  Reminds me of some words I used to know in a certain Big Book:  “The chief  activator of  our defects has been self-centered fear—primarily  fear  that  we  would  lose  something  we  already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded.” (pg 76)  Sounds familiar, huh?

Some interesting stuff happened tonight with my Boy.  I’m not going to go into any of it because everything is peachy-pie and it really isn’t my business to share, but I have to say I am so proud of my son for opening up and talking with me tonight.  He had a fun time with friends this weekend, but I had no idea that one of his classmates from his former school had moved to L.A.  I do know that his best friends go either to Union Mine or are home-schooled, so he really doesn’t have any close friends at his school.  I asked him to please stay open to talking with me and sharing things when life gets tough.

All-in-all, I have to reach out and thank my home-girl J-Ber for showing make a perspective I didn’t think of.  As I told Ethan, I have been taught to jump to conclusions.  Today was a prime example of why that is never a good idea.  Glad I didn’t, for I would have missed an incredible moment as a mother.

Picture: A blizzard with a snowy background.  Just kidding, there is no picture.