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Annnnd, it begins. The too-short shorts, the “you’re not wearing those to school” comment to a certain young lady (who shall remain nameless) began this morning and were quickly followed by eye rolls and brief, staccato comments spoken to me in Teenese. Srsly?
An engaging (I am not even kidding here) staff meeting with focus on our youth shelter. This county has some astonishing statistics, and I don’t mean this in a positive way. A combination of differing variables and circumstances have resulted in difficult circumstances for our teen populations. Hopefully solutions can be found.
Two hours of staff followed by two hours of group sup, so know that was done, I was ready for apples. Headed down to Safeway, back to work, and that’s when I realized…
My ring was gone. The blood drained from my body as I searched frantically, my colleagues immediately jumping to help me look. I raced back to Safeway, retracing my steps, waiting impatiently, tears falling, as a couple spoke to the service desk about getting their $32 back. I get it. I’ve been there. But this! This is my ring! Name and contact info left as I raced back to work in tears.  Carrie and Jessica came to search my car; Jess had searched everywhere while I was at Safeway, Carrie was retracing my steps when she found it lying in the dirt on dead leaves.    I immediately drove to Randolph’s Jewelers where temporary measures where taken until I’m back in Fort Worth.

6 hours later and the blood is still not back to where it belongs but I cannot thank them enough.  How can you repay the priceless act?

Pictures: Where it belongs; Where it was adjusted

I realize how sorrowful I looked, yet I promise it’s happiness. Last Tuesday was one of the happiest days of my life…today I drove to work to give my notice, and quickly burst into tears.

These women and men (including staff at juvenile hall) have been the best co-workers and colleagues I’ve ever had. I know there will be other facilities and clinics, but finding individuals like those I have had the honor to meet and work with is quite a different story.

And so…quickly I must begin to organize the Fort Worth wedding, which will take place of July 28. Lists, names, details and things. HOW on EARTH am I to do this? My wedding 17 years ago was so no-frills…simple location in Dana Point, CA, simple dress, flowers from the farmers market, and a tiny wedding (12 people total). Now? He has a family the size of Atlanta and I have my California people. I didn’t think anyone from CA would want to come…it would seem that is not quite accurate.

And then, there’s Maggie and Ethan. This morning’s memory was of her, looking at me, ever so sweetly, before I dropped her off at school….  My precious Maggie.  Yet, she won’t be moving. I thought she might change her mind, but it seems her life is here.  As for Ethan, I’m not sure. If the question were asked today, I believe he’d stay because of his girlfriend. I’ve always raised my children to be independent, self-reliant humans. I just assumed that I’d have a little more time.

 

I’ve long been a brash advocate about curiosity of the unknown and leaning into the discomfort. It is time for me to look at my kids as capable young adults who are guiding their own future. A terrific aspect about technology is that school moves are no longer as tedious and difficult as they once were, and that nothing but death is certain. My kids have options now; they can move to Texas or stay here.  I must also remember: “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”

 

Pictures: I’ve got to remember to keep my eye on the prize; These cuttings were on willow limbs, on their way to a burn pile.  “Every new beginning…”

“Not everyone gets to be happy. It’s as simple as that.” These are words I woke up to this morning, and for someone in the field of trying to help people find their happiness, these are tough words to sit by and come to the reality that sometimes, there is little to no happiness. I hate that.

Pure elation as I found 2 dozen fresh “homegrown” eggs sitting in my desk at juvie from one of the guards.

Acupuncture. New attempts to ease my back pain. Such ease, such narcotic-like relaxation as my qi works to regain its flow. This is promising.

I cannot, WILL not eat crackling nachos.

I’m on the brink…. ♥️

Picture: Rain makes my days so HAPPY!

 

Another hamster on the hamster wheel that is Humanity, but that’s ok, as long as my hamster wheel gives me a sense of meaning and purpose. Today my hamster wheel spun madly as I did my best to keep a steady foot and not trip.

I managed to get a great deal of things organized in the mental health office at juvie. Yesterday, the new mental health director had come down from Tahoe and cleaned out a great deal of this individual’s personal items to save me from the emotionality of it (it had been a difficult session on Friday when I told the kids of her sudden death and I was dreading going through her things). For this, I was extremely grateful.

In going through many of the papers, I noticed discrepancies, similar to those I found after my fathers passing; numerous copies of an ostensibly frivolous document, odd and seemingly out of place items. I despise not knowing facts and leaving my suspect mind to fill in the details.

I am often labelled as “authentic” which means I can’t bullshit my feelings. Generally this a good thing, unless I happen to not care for someone, in which case I can.not do that superficial act. I’m civil. I don’t throat punch anyone, but I can’t do the whole smiley-face-oh-I’m-terrific-how-are-YOU thing. I also don’t hide these facts from my kids. Maybe this is an inappropriate lesson to model, though I do openly and honestly admit my faults to them. I just can’t do it any other way, it wouldn’t be authentic. 😉

I’m that person that puts on my blinker in a circular driveway.

Picture: Night-time wicked tree

I hit the floor running again today. I did the same yesterday, accomplishing a great deal, but I didn’t want to come across as a braggart, so I deleted the post when I couldn’t think of a 5th for the day.

I went to the clinic first, after dropping Girl-child off, to look for my weekly planner.  Nothing. Considering my whole work life is in that book, this is not good.

Headed to the hall, where I’m working extra hours today to make up for Friday, when I won’t be there as long. No planner in the hall, either. Second “not good”.

Back to the clinic where, lawdy jaysis, there was my damn planner…RIGHT where I’d looked earlier. Me thinks something is afoot. While here, and working on my notes, I received a call from a teacher from my Boy-child. And here we go:

What was said in the conversation isn’t that important. I’ve been a teacher and know full well the dynamics that take place in a class room. I listened, validated what was said and told the teacher I stood behind her, which I do. Later, when I talked with my son, things changed a bit. I still believe everything that was said, but I also believe him. For YEARS I have been working with my son to help him learn to advocate for himself, because there isn’t always someone in your corner.  Ethan has recently started to do so, yet has gone from zero (by way of doing nothing), to 100, which catches people who do not know him off guard.  He “shuts down”: his eyes becoming dead and his face showing little emotion.  He has a very flat affect, as anyone who has had an angry interaction with him can easily see, and teachers who may not understand that this is merely his defense mechanism tend to react differently.  He isn’t “acting out” at all and is unable to understand why there is such a response.  Or, maybe this is the way all teenage boy act, who knows….   There is, in life, a petri dish.  Sometimes you are caught under the microscope, and my son, for whatever reason, is often under that microscope.    This evening, as tears streamed down his face, I explained the end goal is getting through high school.  Yes, there are SO many unfair things in life, and they will continue, it doesn’t end when you graduate high school  The trick is learning to advocate for yourself in a respectful manner and not always being ready to fight a battle when communication and understanding is all that is needed.

Pics: All I managed today were these shots of Mags at volleyball.

Off and running this morning!  Not too long after I awoke, the dogs were maniacally barking at the front door.  Behind this door stood Chazz with his daughter.  Oops.  When Chazz had said December 9, I thought he meant the week of.  So, YAY!  My trees are cut back now and I have LOTS of burn piles.

While Chazz was busy, I headed to the old house to grab the dually.  Didn’t get stuck this time (maybe because I didn’t back it into the mud), then loaded it up with crushed cardboard boxes from all the movings from the last few years to take to recycling.  The ironies in that statement are tremendous.

Ethan skated home not too long after I’d started loading cardboard, so once Chazz left, Ethan and I picked up Mags.  He’s been practicing driving a great deal and this time was his turn with the dually.  It really is a sweet ride. Quite the line at the dump, yet eventually we made it in and were having a blast, as Mags managed to find a Magic Eight Ball.  Next to Home Depot, where we picked up more Christmas lights and a tree – a Noble Fir for the candles.  The kids decided that since they are older now (over age 12), that we would put up the tree early.  No more ChristKindle in this house.  And so ends a tradition.

The plan today was to clean and decorate, yet this did not take place as planned.  Getting the kids to help decorate was akin to herding cats. The Boy was a little more active than the Girl as his job involved climbing on the roof.  He also made the smart move of getting some tunes going, a mix of GnR, Weezer, Tom Petty and Aerosmith.   As soon as the music came on, the frustration ended.  Of course it did.

Ethan moved faster than I have ever seen him move when it came to trimming the tree so that he cold go to a friend’s house.  I made the mistake of ordering sushi for the second time.   I shan’t make that mistake again ( I hope.  I really like giving food a chance).  Mags and I hung out and bonded watching ‘The Office’ for the upteenth time as we ate our disgusting sushi.  And yes, I ate every.single.piece.  Sometime I suck.  Since then, the blower for the pellet stove stopped, (after I’d had trouble getting the auger to work), then the WiFi on the laptop disconnected.  I love life’s  little challenges that make me seriously consider Dell laptop frisbee.  Oh, these little reality glitches which get me out of my created problems like a Really Successful Love Connection.  #ThanksUniverse

Pics: Practicing Texaning; Maggie and her Magic Eight Ball as Ethan works; Maggie and her Christmas Tree stand star as Ethan works.  Do we see a pattern here? A semi-look at our decorated home.

I had fallen asleep fairly early last night yet despite that, when Alexa woke me this morning, I purposely ignored her. Considering I usually wake up before the alarm clock goes off, that’s unusual.  The difference in my eyesight this morning was immeasurable.  Whereas the previous morning I could barely look at my iPhone screen, today I was reading news as usual.

Dropped Mags off at school and not once did she have to steer for me.  I even forgot the baseball cap at home which had been a key light/eye-shielder.  I made it to work and this time, I didn’t have to burst into tears as I parked under the oak tree.

I ran into the school to write my kid (client) a note which explained the staff meeting we had (I’d told him before, but I also understand forgetting).  I headed to juvie for a busy day, then back to the clinic for a final appointment.  I spent time with very common theme – a mom scared for her kid.  Well, my stars, that’s nothing I’ve ever experienced before…<sarcasm>.

The day at work ended with a very meaningful discussion with a colleague about relationships.  She is newly engaged.   I am newly in love.  We have both found our people, yet this doesn’t mean it is without adversity or query.  My problem is I take past/future trips, which scares me.

So Derek and I talked about it, because I don’t want to self-sabotage this fear, nor let it fester.  I hate to freak the poor guy out, but I needed to let him know what I was past/future-tripping about.  This is yet another time when transparency pays off, I feel.  Not so much when it comes to surprise parties and/or Christmas gifts, but relationship stuff?  Abso-frickin-lutely.

Pics: Ummm…Merry Christmas?  I thought he was much older…; THIS is what I came home to….

 

The same re-run of horror: closing my eyes behind the wheel of the car as my daughter steers through “sunny spots.”  This is the Trust Fall exaggerated beyond measure.  The good news is I had a client at the high school.  The bad news is the sun really doesn’t do too much in the fall except go over that way a little bit more.  Still, silver linings.

As soon as I arrived at the clinic, I made a phone call to the doctor’s office for an appointment.  I was vindicated in the sense that this light sensitivity isn’t a part of the healing process, and thus, my appointment was made for the afternoon.  Individual supervision took place and I was delightfully surprised yet again when the clinical director presented me with my (mostly) signed hours (the hours not signed are for my records in case of audit), and so, the final leg towards licensure begins.

At the appropriate time, I headed down the hill to the doctor’s office. “Hi.  My name is Ali and I am a Really Poor Patient.”  It would appear that my decision to stop the steroid cold-turkey was not the appropriate thing to do for successful healing.  My “I’m such a badass, I do whut I wont” attitude doesn’t necessarily end well and I need to get it through my bloody thick head that I am NOT a doctor and to follow instructions on medications (which I rarely do).  The GOOD news is that I should be better by tomorrow afternoon, provided I can manage to make myself take my eye drops as directed (easy-peasy).  Silver lining here?  Huge ego lesson AND potential to be a badass stunt driver with my kids.

These days have exhausted me and I ordered pizza for dinner.  Mom and nutritional failure, but I did order a salad (to be honest though, it was because of the croutons).  I’m ashamed to admit I ate 4 slices.  WHEN will I remember that I am no longer 11 at Shakey’s Pizza where I can eat as many slices as I want?

I received a text from a kid at a high school.  I dig that some kids reach out to me, because as much as I loved teaching the littles, I love therapizing the teens – the ones who are going through the shit so many of us did when we were in high school. The one thing I think would have helped me the most in high school was having an adult who was on my side.  I felt I didn’t have any and that’s something teens need more than anything, because so many don’t have that belief in themselves.  I am honored with their trust.

Pics: Waiting for the solution (which ended up being Prednisone); The pizza solution.

This morning wasn’t any better and if anything, was worse. It was so bad, I had to have my daughter steer on our way to high school because I couldn’t trust myself.

Once at work (safely), I was emotionally exhausted and burst into tears. The last two weeks, the sensitivity has been increasing and every day I drive to work, since my sick hours have been used and there are clients who must be seen, I feel as if I’m jumping into the shark tank without a cage. It’s fucking terrifying, driving your child to school then heading East, towards that glowing Ball of Death hanging in the sky.

Wednesdays are usually supervision days, though this morning we had a staff meeting during my time for individual. I was convinced the program manager was speaking to me when she spoke of low productivity and was positively delight when I saw in the stats sheet that I’m hitting the mark. It’s also time for self evaluations, and the stats numbers made me realize (though my previous supervisor called this to my attention) that I have very high expectations of myself. You know what? I’m glad! Every day I am surrounded by some incredible individuals who i part so much knowledge that I feel I walk amongst giants. Expecting a lot from myself is the least I can do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

As I left work for my hair appointment with my favorite hair stylist ( who is also a friend and we’re gonna go see Stone Temple Pilots together!), I spoke with a Dude at the corporate office of my eye place. Seems taking this long to heal
while becoming increasingly more sensitive is not the norm, so I’ll be going again. I’m glad. I can’t handle this.

Which brings me to my final of my 5-a-Day: I spent the evening in the court system this for a teen court session.  It is always interesting for me to see this side of the system for the young ones, rather than simply the end result of juvenile hall.  Teen Court is much different, where guilt of a lesser crime is already agreed upon, and the jury decided upon a consequence.  I find these are terrific avenues to hopefully veer young offenders away from more serious crimes.  The sad part being, many who are in the juvenile hall system are there because their support system at home is lacking while I saw many involved parents and adults at Teen Court.  At home, my finished split pea soup awaited me, as my beloved children and I went our separate ways to bed, I was ever so grateful for the family I have been graced with.

Pictures: A note a colleague placed on my desk at work.  I really needed this.  Worker-people – you are awesome, too!; Inside the Cozmic Cafe where a chai latte was my reward; Placerville’s tree overlooks the court house.  Split pea soup.