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Today I awoke with pure AWESOMENESS.  I think it was the Doc Marten’s and the beginning with The Clash that influenced it greatly.  ”London Calling” just starts my day off right…perhaps it’s because London is only an hour away from Zürich, but I digress.

This morning consisted of work time sheets and finishing up a Very Important Request for Services to County.  Lordy, I hope I didn’t go overboard, but it’s a serious situation in dire need of help.  I also had my hour of guitar lessons.  I am astounded by the magic which is produced by this wooden instrument with strings from this man.  I was supposed to practice later tonight, however….

From guitar lesson, I headed to a school site to see a client I met in juvenile hall and I *also* was able to talk with J-Ber, my gangsta colleague.  This lady…always full of surprises.  Headed to Cameron Park to see my clients and was nicely surprised when Lara walked in with two firemen, only they weren’t for me, which somewhat saddened me.  They were there to actually check the electrical panel and do actual real “fireman” stuff, not pose for me or anything.  That kinda sucked.  Still, it was a nice breather in my day and cheered me up.  I saw my two clients and then…store for chicken and home.

At home I spent a little time looking around at my options.  It wasn’t too long before the kids came home and…the request for help with homework.  Ohmygoodness, YES!  Let’s DO This!  <it was science> Oh holyhellnoooooooo….  I’m not one of “those” people..I was hoping it was English homework.   It was another multi-hour session – there were tears and raised voices and exasperation…yet there was also deep conversation about not taking the easy way because there is no such thing.  I told him there might be 4 years of this (arguing and tears), but I won’t ever give up on him and he better not give up on himself, either.

A long day – tomorrow my kiddos depart, leaving me alone with moths, dog hair and dust.  It’s really kinda icky.  I’m thinking for fun I’ll clean out Violet’s crate and give her new substrata then study for the law and ethics exam (good news is I found my internship doesn’t expire until February).  Yee-haw.

Pictures: Wearin’ new shoes with client; she drew me.  Recovering alcoholic me loves it.  

Beautiful darkness and a golden light rising behind my Wicked Tree.  I wish I could capture these stunning colors in a picture.  Today was another morning up to the hill, this time to Pollock Pines for a client, but the session was delayed until 9 due to the hearing van making its exciting appearance at the school.  Ethan was granted his Monster before class and Mags had her day before her, as well.

Once I finished my assessment, back to the clinic I went for supervision with Darryl (a fantastic clinician) as My Super Susan is accompanying her daughter to college in Oregon, then consult with Elena and another supervision with Ellen. Seriously.  I know now.  If you have a question, just call.  I jest of course, there is so much to learn –  so, so much…yet I feel, ever so slightly that things are slowly beginning to ”click”.  If I were a cartoon, the knowledge wouldn’t quite be in my head yet, but it is there hovering just outside.  I also have the opportunity to lead two groups – anger management and relapse prevention.  That’s pretty exciting for me.  The anger management would be more of a process group and relapse prevention; well…I know that shit.    Plus it’s with the population I love, the one where I  feel I left off, myself – adolescence.

The day continued.  I had three more clients and soon it was 5 O’clock with nary a prog note written.  I also have a request for service to write (which I’ll do tomorrow).  I LOVE this – when there is too much to do and not enough time, thus I’m forced into a mode of operating under pressure.  Within an hour I had accomplished what was needed and by 3 minutes to 6, I left.  I was just walking to the front door at home when L pulled up with the kids.  Ethan’s first words to me were “You need to be more specific when you post about me on your 5-a-Day…everyone thinks I was molested in the locker room.  They don’t realize I just had to have the lock sawed off” –Oops.  So, to clarify, Ethan had his lock on another kid’s locker and instead of just asking him to take it off, they sawed the lock open.  I have been in girl’s locker rooms and can imagine what the boy’s is like. Something like this?  Yikes.  But still, definitely not a molestation.

At home, things were rolling along pretty smoothly…kids were jovial, I was happy after a good, long day..and then it hit me. ..my intern hours: they weren’t at work, and I don’t remember putting them anywhere different after I calculated the hours last week.  These are gold to me, and I always put them in the same place, only…they weren’t there.  So then I started looking for them, yet simultaneously…

..I also needed to get letters to Ethan’s teachers as I don’t think they’ve read his IEP.  At work, J-Ber said call an emergency meeting with his teachers, so I contacted the only person I would  under such circumstances– the IEP Queen herself– Swerner.  She guided me through the info I needed to know since I have no idea where I have Ethan’s stuff. I have save ALL of his documentation since pre-school, yet  I  am not sure where in the hell I put it as I haven’t established a “system” in this house. SWerner also caught me up on the goings-on of the kids I still know at Union Mine and the transformation in the last year.  It sounds as if imperative changes have been made to help students make the most of their high school years.  I sure do miss it and wonder….

Pictures: My desk; Before I began work at NM, I did not have this much silver.  J-Ber?  Recognize anything?

Awoke with the darkness as it began its departure for the day.  Rough night as I imagined what The Boy had experienced and how difficult it was for him to tell me about the locker room/lock situation.  To us – to those of us who have no issue speaking out and asking questions/asking for help, this is truly no big deal, but to kids like Ethan who suffer so incredibly when it comes to such scenarios, well, it’s a different world to be sure.  I had my first client up in Camino at 8:30, so we had to hustle, and despite having succumbed to Ethan’s request for an energy drink (I know – don’t say it, but he hates coffee), I had to drop him off at school, giving him $5 for Power-Aide.

Once at work, the second stress factor set in: Very Difficult Situation along with trying to get students accommodated so they don’t miss specific classes.   I re-framed the situation – I am experiencing ‘stimulated’ feelings, they are simply viewed as stress rather than excitement, joy, love, etc. and I tried accepting the feelings as they were.  It didn’t necessarily work, but maybe I’ll continue to try to feel the feelings (lots of emphasis on “feel”).

Late hours at the school, once again I was among the last to leave, but that’s ok – L had the kids, which meant I had time to do the things I needed to do.  First involved a grocery store purchase near the alcohol aisle, which was like a walk of shame: I bought Ethan a 4-pack on Monster.  This was horrific for me, trust me.  Next I stopped to check out the price of a few things, then…home – the long way, the slow way.  I stuck my arm out of the window, turned off the radio and felt the wind blowing my arm.

At home I did stupid stuff like unloaded the dishwasher.  No kids would be home till after 6, so I watched Sherlock and contemplated the day.  I realized that my stupid Match thing isn’t over until October.  I thought I was halfway through already, yet surprisingly I’m just a month and change in.  I will finish it,  but man, this is lame.

Mags was dropped off soon, and it wasn’t long until Ethan was finished with his (self-chosen) after-school commitment.  Surprisingly, he wasn’t overly angry about the alarm clocks dad bought the two of them (so their phones are turned in at 10).  As for school, it is the 6 weeks of normalization, just like all those years in Montessori – it’ll take him a minute to get on board, but as long as he doesn’t build a wall in his mind of how much he “hates” it, he’ll be ok.  I hope.  This place provides Ethan with so much and I really think he could do well here.

Picture:  It was one of those dinosaur-leaning-against-the-tree-for-support days.

A very Monday-ey start to Monday – longing to sleep longer but Time wouldn’t allow it.  I was a bit nervous – Something was taking place later today at lunch – yes, an actual lunch date, and so I dressed “nicely” = my new gray office-style slacks and a lovely knit top.  And black Converse One-Stars – he’s a liberal from Austin, Texas, so he’ll appreciate it, right?

But first, kids to school, check-up appointment for back, work to learn some PCIT training (cancelled, so nope), then to get tire plugged – and listening to David Lee Roth and “Yankee Rose” does not make for slow driving on a spare.  Once I was out of the doctor’s office, however, I decided there was enough time to change – slacks weren’t very “dressy” and I was in it to win it – right?  So home – where I put on my orange skirt and sassy black sandals then raced to work…only to discover my black knit is really navy blue, which doesn’t go with the orange and brown skirt and black sandals. I am a business atire nightmare, so after “work training” (which didn’t happen)  and getting my tire repaired (which took too long), I decided to run in and buy a black top  -quickly, which I did, only to leave my new expensive Armani (??) sunglasses in the dressing room – ran back inside.  Whew.  See my life?

And we met – and it was…okaykindasorta.  I mean maybe a possibility in my book, only every time I opened my mouth  I said utterly stupid things – like talking about politics or other similar sexy topics <eyeroll>….GodDAMN.  I’m not surprised the men aren’t swarming me like killer bees…(sarcasm).  And then it was over and he rolled away in his fancy convertible BMW and I, took the road less travelled: I went shopping for porkchops and carrots.

I headed home and remembered:  I have an exam I can be studying for, thus I went through the proper steps: collected my pen and notebook – tunred on my laptop and climbed onto my bed.  Annie was confused as it was daytime and headed to the sofa, but Mabi – she knew the drill and climbed onto the bed to lay by the Dell.  I MISS THIS!

After my two hours of studying, I started dinner and just as I removed the first meat-thingies from the pan, L texted to say he’s feed the kids.  Good, that meant more meat-thingies and baked kohl rabi for me.  When they got home, Ethan approached me and said he needed my help.  The next two hours were spent on his paragraph for English.  Did I help him?  Yes.  Do I feel guilty?  Yes.  Am I sad that he really doesn’t knwo how to write a paragraph well?  Absolutey.  I need to locate a decent resource for him in all his topics because now The Struggle begins.  He also shared a heartbreaking story with me about PE and his locker – it is beginning.  I won’t let him know my fears, but maybe high school isn’t gonna be so great for him, after all.  I told him it’s the first few weeks, give it time..give it time.

Pictures: Heart leaf from my succulent yestetday: My favorite thing: homework.

 

 

You’ll never believe me… but first:

Bright, bright sunshine with fierce sunshiney beams pierced my eye mask (I’m that sensitive) and so, I was awake at 6:58.  Saturday mornings are simply the best – so filled with potential.  I chatted with a few folks, made my apologies for missing an upcoming series of Hips shows and prepared for the day.

The kids were a bit sluggish, but eventually I managed to get them up and out with Lizzie by…one o’clock?  I had promised Deb’s Frosty (of which I could not partake) and there I saw another  student from Union Mine which was fun.  She is a senior now – so many changes and she is planning on college (which thrills me).  We headed to get fill up the bus when I saw smoke – just getting started but within units it was billowing strongly, literally pouring upwards in waves.  We filled up as crowds began to gather (it was directly across from the gas station) and I did something I have never done before.  I pulled to the side of the road with many others, then Maggie and I crossed the street and joined the people watching the firefighters.  The smoke was so strong yet it was unclear what was on fire.  We soon saw it was a wildfire and no structures had been lost.

We continued on to the river where for about 20 minutes I sat in frigid water and numbed my back.  It felt incredible.  We headed home where I dropped of Maggie, then Ethan and I gathered ourselves to head out in the bus and I was going to teach him how to drive a stick shift.  The local college has a nice parking lot, so I slid into the passenger seat (imagining him losing control and hitting a light pole of course, but this soon passed) and coached my son as  he slowly grasped hold of shifting from first to second and how to maneuver the clutch.  He did very well, but suddenly the bus (which has been dying lately though the battery is fully charged so it’s a connection issue) died.  Eventually I popped the clutch  and  got her home, where we switched cars.

Now we are in the Mazda with a shopping list and back in the parking lot.  The automatic is exceedingly easy for for this kid who rides dirt bikes and drives tractors so we practiced parallel parking.  He did very well here, too and began left-side parallel park (my first such experience was 2 weeks ago in SF) when the light comes on and I hear something.  The tire had a screw in it and was losing air quickly, so I drove us to Safeway and called Triple A.  Ethan, however, managed to change the tire on his own, so I cancelled the call as the truck was pulling in.  The driver, Tim, verbally high-fived Ethan (who learned how to drive a stick-shift, automatic and changed his first tire within a 3 hours period).  I’m proud of my boy.

We did our shopping and drove uneventfully  home (no fires, dead cars or pierced tires), where the three of us enjoyed some delicious food and Ethan and I watched “Dope”,  a cool movie he had told me about as he learned to drive.  We had an incredible day, he and I; some incredible serious discussions about important topics and I feel so fortunate to be able to share days and events with him the way I did today.  Now to try to get my bus moving (‘cause I made the mistake of driving her down into the garage) and get the tire plugged.

Pictures: Mags watching the plane dropping fire retardant; The goings-on amongst El Dorado County folk: from one extreme to the other; This kid had quite the day.

I was up far  too late getting dating advice from Brent last night, so when that bloody alarm went off (ohh yes – I slept up until the alarm sounded), I was not pleased.  This morning, I came upon something which I know to be true as I have experienced it (I also learned about it in grad school, but to me,  it is more about the doing than the reading).   Positive thoughts bring positive thoughts and the same goes for negativity.  The last few of months, however,  I have been walking around saying “I hate everything.”  It was funnier when I was saying it in a Batman voice after a funny occurrence, yet recently, the Batman –aspect has dropped off.  I reminded myself about my brains’ neuroplasticity recently and that such negative thoughts were contributing greatly to my attitude.

Kids to school then I came home again to accomplish something.  Did I accomplish it?  Yes!  A letter written for insurance (VW) to get a “classic car” rate, which is less and off to more PT.  It seemed to be in my better interest to inquire as to billing for the PT as I’ve been here about 7 times now and billing has never been mentioned.

Once I got the little things taken care of, I headed home.  I spent the next 4 hours on the phone and or on email getting ALL sorts of things completed. I spoke with a gentleman in Mexico (a Canadian!!  I wanted desperately to ask him “aboot” the weather….) about the vacation club I am a part of, I spoke with insurance (I am no longer going to be going to PT),I spoke with billing,  I called the loan agent, emailed the realtor, a professor from school, at least 5  calls to Ethan’s high school to get Aeries set up  and much, much more.  I was taking notes left and write and it was insanity, through and through.  The guy came by to cut the tree down, so at one point I heard a big “thunk” and knew (moment of silence for Wicked Tree’s cousin).  Somewhere in there, Ethan was dropped off and went right to his room where he passed out – dead tired. Eventually it was time to get Maggie from volleyball and her first week of school.

She made varsity and survived 3 days of 8^th grade, so I purchased her some frozen yogurt, then back home where the boy was still asleep.  We faced-timed my sister and niece who strummed her guitar and sang about “flier-trucks” – totes adorbs.  My sister suggested that she and I go somewhere where you can’t bring kids – like Peru and Machu Picchu, so now our long weekend in NOLA is going to tentatively change into an adventure somewhere for a week – just us.  How GLORIOUS!!

Dinner and then the kids wandered off.  I had realized that soon I need to test for Law/Ethics (YES!!  Studying!!!)(I wish  I were kidding, but I am really excited about books and writing and sitting in my bed for a couple of months again).  I also chatted with a guy on match whom I’ve been chatting with the whole time.  He is quite attractive – but I have no desire to meet him and I feel he has no desire to meet me…he is like a “comfort” date to me…it’s all good.  I wish, at the end of this one day, that every time I began to say “I hate everything” that I changed it to something positive, but it was really a very stressful day.  Thankful for Scarlett’s attitude: “After all…tomorrow is another day.”

Pictures: The tree ‘before’; The tree ‘after.’   Thank you, tree for EVERYTHING!!

I have a little secret I’ll share with you:  Every morning when I wake up, I look at Wicked Tree and every morning, it is getting a little bit darker.   That part isn’t so much a secret as an observation, but my secret is this –I love my mornings with my Wicked Tree.

Today was the actual (latest) DSM-5 training.  The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders is not fun light reading by any stretch, and when you are watching a very-well educated woman talking about the changes in the DSM, well, let’s just say it was tough.  Parts were very interesting of course, but 6 hours of anything other than sleep is often difficult for me and this was no exception.  So, some of us (I won’t say any names, Jen Berry) may have livened up the activity by sending me a link regarding the naked Donald Trump statues which are being placed in New York and San Francisco, so I returned the favor (nightmare??) by sending the nude painting of him.  Yes, I’m sure there is a disorder related to this (other than Narcissism) somewhere…

I was also enlightened today in a very punch-to-the-gut manner, because I see myself as extremely empathetic, and yet – despite listening to someone share their raw, gut-wrenching feelings with me, I turned around and…requested something which was SO wrong of me to, which was akin to me ignoring every word this person shared with me and then stomping all over them.  Me!  I am the person who CREATES connection and meaning (which may not even exist) yet I completely ignored the one which was TOLD TO ME BY THIS PERSON. Sometimes I wonder what the hell is going on with me.

Ethan had his back-to-school-night at school today.  It began a little tensely (is that even a word?) when I once again told Ethan he needs to join a club or a group of some sort to become involved, but soon we were meeting teachers and I saw my son in a place where I think he will be ok.  Yes, he isn’t a huge fan of academia, but that’s ok.  I hope he will soon realize that he is much more capable than he believes.

Just about at the point of stopping this whole Match dot com adventure.  I’ve been on about 10 -12 coffee dates, and it is becoming really frustrating with the same old thing: enough small talk to spend an hour, then and head back home, awaiting the next such date. Tonight Brent is giving me advice from Texas on this whole dating scene and a man’s perspective on women.  He tells me (as do others) that at 44, it is time to ditch being the tomboy.  I’m kinda sad… because I really wanted to (re) order a Mouse Rat shirt.

Pictures:  “Cortana – how can this training be more…interesting?”

The morning started off normally enough – I’ve been getting up for school for 8 days now – but today was a little different.  Today, after I dropped The Boy off, I dropped Maggie off for her first day of her last year at CMP. Just like I thought I’d be fine at Ethan’s graduation (I wasn’t), I wasn’t “fine” here, either.. and it became evident as I merged onto Highway 50 and “Grease is the Word” was just finishing (which made me think “are we ever gonna see each other again?”) and the misty eyes started a bit.  The next song was Scorpions “Winds of Change”, which flooded my mind with memories of my own senior year in high school – the year the wall fell in Berlin(so much symbolic transference here). When a Prince song followed, I just gave up and shut the radio off.,  No use bawling before work.

Work today was based on cultural sensitivity (something often lacking in this country), trauma informed care and the fabulous DSM-5.  I like to believe I do fairly well with the cultural training, yet as for trauma-informed care, there is so much I need to learn.  I am still picking up so many of the pieces from grad school because reading about something doesn’t make it stick – it is the application of such which counts.  And then there’s the fact that while I love learning, my brain is still not in operating mode, hence by the end of the day, a fierce headache had ensued.

Consult with our clinic’s PCIT (parent-child interaction therapy) wizards and then I pondered – was there time to get my car washed? I notice that STFO (scoot the fuck over, for all those left-lane drivers)  is as oft a used phrase as STFU.   I barely made it out on time and  by the time I got home, the guy was already here (someone sent out to check out the irrigation issue – for such an expensive house and so many plants, this is the lamest thing I’ve ever seen).  I also got a text from L to pick up Mags at volleyball, so I headed out again and met him to get Ethan.  He had taken Ethan to his physician and Ethan’s weekend abdominal hernia issue was actually more-likely a pulled muscle, which is a relief.

Lanky Miss Mags finished with volleyball at 5:30 and as Ethan went in to pick her up, I chuckled to myself – this kid who hated school so much (still probably does, though I hope high school is different for him) was back on campus day 1 of school.  As I cooked dinner, Ethan cheerfully helped prep despite already having eaten a nutritious Del Taco meal with dad (sarcasm!!!).  I like this high school boy – the snarky comments with that smile, the dishes piled up in his room (just as mine were when I was his age).  I think empathy and remembering we did the SAME DAMN THING goes a loooonnngggway in having high schoolers.   As for Mags – that girl will hit “that age” and “that phase” I know, as I have already encountered a few.  I will survive and so will they.

Now – a final and important topic.  Left lane driving.  This IS my pet peeve and every time I am on the freeway I think that something must be done. I’ve  considered  writing “Right > Drive,  Left< Pass” with shoe polish, or a poster with something similar.    The right lane is for driving and the left lane is for passing!  That being said, the state of California has a considerably horrible habit of driving wherever the hell they feel like (the right lane is generally free except for a few cars while the right lane is filled with cars).  I think I would like to start something which helps re-educate drivers that using the left lane only for passing results in a much smoother commute, less anger from other drivers attempting to pass left –lane drivers (I personally have no knowledge of this experience).  Imagine how traffic would be lessened!  My goal is to get the CA law changed .  My second goal is to get out of this state to a state which has such a sensible law or Switzerland:

“The Uniform Vehicle Code states: Upon all roadways any vehicle proceeding at less than the normal speed of traffic at the time and place and under the conditions then existing shall be driven in the right-hand lane then available for traffic … This law refers to the “normal” speed of traffic, not the “legal” speed of traffic. The 60 MPH driver in a 55 MPH zone where everybody else is going 65 MPH must move right.”                                                       http://www.mit.edu/~jfc/right.html

Pictures: The moon is so much more beautiful than in these photos; Wicked Tree is standing tall…; It’s true, ya know.

 

 

The day was here – first day at my new campus.  Not such a big deal, I guess…I’ve done this in so many different ways – as a student, substitute,  teacher, therapist…yet this time it was in place of someone who is so good at what she does and she has been there so long.  It’s tough when you are filling some big shoes.  As I left the house, went through my drill – “what am I forgetting?” and  left.  It wasn’t until I had dropped Ethan off at his high school (which still freaks me out) and was a few exits up the freeway that I realized I had left my laptop and my phone charger.  Of course I did.  Turned around and headed home.

Smooth beginnings at work – I had some prep time and then the first appointment cancelled, so I grabbed the second appointment so we could establish a good session time.  I like being in schools.  It didn’t work out with teaching (though Montessori with little ones is always an option for the future).  It is –or at least it should be – a safe place for kids and I enjoy being a part of their lives.

It – meaning the day went well…for the most part (confidentiality, you understand).  By the time I left, the office staff was long gone and the vice-principal was preparing to do the same.  I arrived home…

..and found my long awaited poster – a signed (Justin Helton)  and numbered “China Cat Sunflower” poster.  The frame has been awaiting her treasure for weeks and so, I put it in and hung her – taking down the painting I inherited from my dad. I replied with a thank you letter to DHL (they did their part, it was the USPS that took 12 days to get the poster 45 miles).

As the evening wound down, I chatted with Brent – my bff in high school and set an appointment for starting up guitar lessons again.  Two days of training, so my “therapy” days are over for the week, but today was enough of a day to make up for the next two.

Pictures: the day began like this and ended like this.

The weekend was spent in The City – a glorious fog-filled, chilly,  goose-bumpy time.  I headed to my weekend getaway – a haven in an undisclosed location, and then..dinner and the Fillmore.  I was treading on thin ice here….  I really have to be cautious with my body.

The Hips were on fire (I cannot get Greg’s “Magazine” space and the intro out of my head).  I only saw a couple of people I knew, but that’s ok.  These are my people.  During one song (can’t remember which) I hit that orgasm of EVERYTHING IS FUCKING AWESOME IN MY LIFE.  It doesn’t happen at every show, so when it does, I have to note it.  I left about 6 songs into Hard Working Americans:  Neal Casal – awesome, Dave Schools, chill as hell.  Todd Snider scares me.  So damn talented and he can’t stop the drugs; seeing the man on stage, sweating like an irrigation valve had burst while wearing 2 long-sleeved (thick) button up shirt…yikes.

Saturday was spent in the Haight where I spoke with a trans woman for over an hour – so incredible.  I have her number and we will keep in touch.  I also meet a wonderful Indian woman who gave me some  crystalstones to help my back.  Back to Pride of the Mediterranean for a second time –  shawarama and kanafa again.  Omygawdyum, then “home” for an semi-early evening and terrific discussion.

The next morning was heaven.  I have met myself as a male.  Hanging out with some incredible people and singing (!) harmony – then being told I have a good voice and to get on that guitar so we can work on songs – holy yes!!!  Incentive.  🙂

Novato’s Hopmonk hosted Tim and Greg.  It was a perfect close to a beautiful weekend.  I have had so many thoughts I wanted to write about – so many…only I’m a bit overwhelmed right now.  27 thoughts going at once 24/7 and so…this brief synopsis.  I’m not sure how good this 3 days work week is for me – I have to much time to get nothing accomplished.

Picture:  It’s time to get back to lessons again.