I’m always waking up early. Trying to quickly force the calendar to think about what is going on without getting the brain too excited (and therefore awake) is difficult to do, but today I did just that and slept until 8ish. I was fortunate enough to awaken to the scene of The Thornbirds in which Mary has died and flies are swarming her corpse. It’s kinda been like that in my kitchen. Three days ago there were over 10 flies(Ethan smashed them with a rolled up newspaper). Two days ago there were 20+ (I smashed them with a rolled up newspaper). Yesterday there were over 40 (I bought 2 flyswatters and went to town – twice). Today, there were 60+ so I said “fuck this shit” and drove to buy fly spray. 
Mother Hips show in San Rafael – I met my friends Joe and Kendra (she is from Lubbock!) there and saw many others. Because I was “still not 100%”, I was ok’d to sit with Evan at the sound board – with was pretty rad. He explained about EMI, EQ and ba
lance – all very complicated stuff and I understood about -.5 %. That’s why I’m not running the mixes. Amazing show – incredible music. These shows are so bittersweet to me – the place I want to be at most and yet…and yet. Fucker.
What does one do when has a child and is intercepting text messages…text messages which allow me a window into my child’s world and show me that sneaking out is still “a thing.”? I snuck out. I snuck out a hell of a lot. Initially it was kid stuff like TPing houses or that one time that boy I loved SO much snuck over. He was wearing Halston Z-14 and I was so nervous – I got us chocolate Jello Pudding pops (No Cosby referenc
es, please). He kissed me…. Oh my goodness, how my world swirled that night. That was the innocent part. Then, post head-injury, the sneaking out got much more severe. Alcohol, pot (with the nicer folks) to alcohol, forced to do cocaine and being raped with the not-so-nice guys. That was the not-so innocent part. I know my son – being in recovery, I have talked to my kids their entire lives about drugs/alcohol/sex openly and the consequences of choices. We all make them, we all experience them. I sent him a text last night from the Hips show asking him if he was being careful. He answered back later “yeah.”
Wha
t shall I do? I will have a talk with him later, a gentle talk…an honest talk. This is the beginning of his road and I do not want to slam the door shut in terms of communication when it comes to serious stuff that I pray he will talk to me about. This is a part of growing up, of pushing the limits and seeing what happens. This is growing OUT.
And so…
Pictures: Maggie’s wisdom(“Never Give Up”), Ethan’s graduation flowers (which he hasn’t seen yet), and my Life Source (The Mother Hips); “There’s some boys I know, that play that rock ‘n roll”; Set list and pretty lights; My sisters; Terrapin Crossroads.
Extreme gratitude to Darryl for supervision today and helping me open another world.
wn tiny bubble. So disconnected….
cone when he was a toddler and how it morphed to the kid he is today.
I played REO Speedwagon and absolutely loved it. I had “I Can’t Fight This Feeling Anymore” running through my head today for some odd reason, so I gave in. 2)A dress my ex-mil handed down looked terrific on me, so now I have a dress for Saturday night (if I decide to wear a dress). and 3) Ethan had his first cup of coffee this morning to help combat his tired days, despite getting enough sleep. These were enough to get me on a terrific path, along with a little NWA (selected by Maggie) and explaining – quickly, yet succinctly to the kids after songs “Straight Outta Compton” and “Fuck tha police” about A) not just having sex with anyone (“go up in it” as discussed in the first song) and B) about white privilege and how minorities fight many battles the kids will never have to fight simply because of the color of their skin and to always remember that.
life-changing kinda stuff and I am so damn fortunate that the Boy knew it was important enough to share with me. So I got his slips, dropped them off and headed to work…
alked into my office and saw a stack of black & white color-me-in rooster copies on my laptop. “Is someone trying to send my a subtle message?” I asked aloud, yet none of the therapists knew what I was talking about. I thought it was pretty damn funny: celibate for years and suddenly I have a stack of cocks on my desk. Little prayers.
that veil of Sleep and Wake is where I feel I fit in best, other than that brief instant at a Mother Hips show when sometimes, sometimes I escape into a place of pure Bliss. It isn’t at every show, but it happens more there than anywhere in my life in the last decade, so I attribute it to the sacred spell music puts us under. Realizing I have a very high standard, these moments of Bliss are infrequent at best, hence my attending as many Hips shows as I can to up the odds a bit.
back to my sleep – the whole point of that was that despite this Place Where I Fit In Best, I awoke two minutes before the alarm went off – 5:11. I don’t get it. I really wanted to avoid yoga, thinking Justification Two – “Fuck It”, but the guilt would have been insurmountable, so up and at ‘em…and ya know, it felt really good.
-twenties, when I still lived in Texas. Random thought – I took off all of my bumper stickers from my car (not the bus, though – she is different) because I notice how rather than expressing thoughts or ideas, bumper stickers often promote hate and violence. The thing is – it is two sides of the same coin – is it a duck or a rabbit? I am calmer when I see a plain car with no bumper stickers. Ohhhhmmmmmmmm……
Work was…great, actually. A whole new frame of mind with a terrific focus. Close her out, call them back, reschedule her, rewrite that. Again. And again. And again. Now with ICD-10 codes! Yet still, it was GOOD, because we laughed – Shawn, Eric and I – we laughed HARD and that is some medicine I needed.
e I still don’t know it word for word. She also knows Pink Floyd albums and Queen songs and loves vinyl. My heart swells with such pride. In the grocer’s parking lot she tells me to scoot up so we can pull out instead of back-up, but I said no – then it turns out I’m taking up 2 spots, but I laugh hysterically because “wouldn’t want anyone to scratch my ride” (which is really funny when you see how scratched up it is because I ride this baby hard).
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