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This morning, I experienced THE MOST TERRIFYING DRIVE OF MY LIFE. First by driving Mags to school, then foolishly heading up the hill to Camino as my eyelids simply refused to stay open. It was very dangerous and I’m not sure how I will continue this for the next weeks until my eyesight decides to see the light (I wanted to insert Manfred Mann’s Earth Band tune for your listening pleasure and looked for a trap or dubstep mix, yet sadly found nothing.)

After my school site visit, the ojos were so bad/exhausted, I stopped by an ophthalmologist office in Placerville on my way down the hill.  I explained my situation and they quickly and freely gave me two different types of darkening lenses used for eye dilation. Sadly, it isn’t quite enough.

I feel a bit guilty: I used my cranberry crunch as an “in” when I was in Texas as way of proof that I wasn’t a sociopath. By this action alone, it proves I am diabolical, because unless you are dead, you can’t NOT love that stuff.

The day day’d along, until I got a text from my son and I had to leave work to pick him up. I suppose as the mother, I’ll forever be the middle man. The good thing was this: after waiting in the parking lot for the hour during his s

ession (I didn’t want to have to drive myself home then back again), he came back in a much better mood. He commented how much better he felt after talking to someone. “You don’t even have to talk about the issue-it just feels better talking to someone”. Yep. I wish my clients realized that. Then he mentioned we should get burritos for dinner. Damn, I love that kid.

Maggie’s Christmas musical concert was this evening.  It was a combination of all the choirs (5 different choirs?), plus orchestra, plus jazz band, plus marching band.  Those kids put on an incredible performance  and it was wonderful to watch.  Two things:  Do I REALLY need to get a STFU tshirt to wear to these things?  C’mon, people, really!  Show some respect to your children who have worked HARD.   Second, I was the only adult who was seat/bleacher dancing.  Whhhhhyyy???  These kids had some kick-ass tunes going, how could you NOT move?  Loved seeing Mags, almost directly across from me, rocking along.

 

 

 

Pics My view as I’m subsequently blinded by the light.  Mags and her performance.

I am completely unsure of where to begin. Though I am usually so filled with words and saucy retorts, these last few months have me at a standstill.  In orphic fashion, my Universe connected open-ended circles, allowing my past to become my present and my future.  Talk about an ah-ha moment.

Many years ago, when I lived in Texas, I met a man who caught my attention by way of introducing himself in a very food-oriented way, not that I am a fan of french-fries, but he was so whimsical in a room filled with life and death concerns.  We became friends, because of course, he was married and I was involved with someone myself, yet a line was cast.  I moved to California about a year later, and of everyone I had known in that life, he was the only one I stayed in contact with.  This isn’t something I did with intention, at least not consciously.  Throughout the many years, we occasionally checked on each other, both of us making similarly differing life choices:  both of us ending up to a place in life where we were finally able to have that one.more.conversation which led us to love.  Universe is amusing, indeed.

And these eyes!  Who the hell decided upon ‘silver’ as a color for these automobiles that drive in the bright sunshine?!  For the love of all that is sacred and holy, did no one take patients of PRK eye surgery into consideration as the sun’s reflections are seared into my soul?  After two weeks and a half of swimming in a sea of visual Vaseline (why yes, Les Claypool and other Primus bandmates, you may absolutely use that phrase as an album and/or song title!), I am now at a point of extreme light sensitivity at almost 4 weeks in.  This morning was quite terrifying as I drove Mags to school with sun-visors down, shifting at each slight curve in the road, sunglasses on, cap placed at a jaunty, yet sun-blocking angle.  I still had to close one eye most of the way.  The bitch of it is, no one warns you that you may be that small percentage of non-immediate healers and to NOT have this surgery done in the Fall, when the sun is stealthily low. My eyelids fought for their lives, trying to lower to protect their charges from the sun.

I hung out with fellow Wonder-Twin, Stephanie, as I was re-introduced to muscles in my body which I have not felt in a long time during my first kick-boxing session.  Not having been seriously committed to yoga in a year and a half, I made the mistake of listing myself as a “moderately” fit person, then promptly lost my balance numerous times in a semi crane-kick/Karate Kid stance.  Allegedly, my “skillzzzzz” will soon come back to me, yet as I nurse this sore body with roasted chestnuts, I’m dreading what I’ll feel like after tomorrow night’s session.  Still, time to get in gear.  Shit is about to go down!

I am also closing in on getting the signatures for my completed hours.  One more supervisor and I’l have what I need to send in to California’s Behavioral Board of Science.  Once they approve it, as soon as I’m ready I can sign up  for my licensure exams (I’m going for an MFT (Marriage Family Therapy) license as well as PCC (Professional Clinical Counselor) license).  I went for PCC because I knew I wouldn’t be staying California forever.  Funny how Universe and I are on the same wavelength, huh….

Pictures:  A meeting place; One of my two eyes at Foo Fighters.  Geaux FF!; My favorite small people who happen to be taller than me.

 

When visiting this past weekend, Derek brought an Alexa along, to keep me from future oversleeps.  This young lady and I started off on shaky ground,when I was unable to speak her language, yet this  quickly become a part of our past and now I thank her cheerfully when tasks are completed.  This morning, however, her thought-lights woke me up (Why yes, I do wear an eye mask and her lights still woke me up).  “Alexa…turn of your lights!”  “A few things share that name, Which one did you want?”  “Alexa…what are you doing?”  I’m answering questions and learning more.”  Thus, up at 4:27 a.m.  The light was so goddamn loud….

Running….  In. A. Car.  This kid to school.  That kid to (same) school (different time).  Quickly to juvenile hall where I see the remainder of my clients needing to be seen, before dashing off to a training session at the shelter.   ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) are a measurement of negative and positive experiences in a child’s life which are linked to high risk behaviors, chronic health conditions, poor life outcomes and earlier deaths.  The higher your ACEs score, the higher risk of such negative impacts on your life.   My ACEs score is a 2, so despite my shitty later-adolescence/early-adulthood, my earlier years were golden and accounted for a solid foundation.  I am one of the blessed ones…

..and just about EVERY day at work cements this fact in.  There are some VERY FUCKED UP homes in our world.  Homes which may look fine from the outside looking in, but these kids are learning to perpetuate the very cycle they so desperately wish to escape.  On days like to today, it knocks me to a point of whimpering helplessness.  Then, an opportunity to witness probation working from a different point-of-view.  So many teachable moments….

And now from some good, if not painful, news.  Tomorrow morning, I will be having my eyes lasered and zapped with PRK (Photorefractive keratectomy).  I’m having mono-vision done, which should end the need for any type of lens.  My inner-second grader is so goddamn excited.  My outer 45 year old, who shrieks and jumps with the tonometry test (air puff for glaucoma), is nervous as fuck and is mortified that only ONE GODDAMN VALIUM has been prescribed.  Also – codeine?  Really?

However, I will spend the weekend counting up all my MFT/PCC hours WHICH  I COMPLETED TODAY, and prepare to get necessary signatures from my supervisor, then deliver them to the BBS by hand as soon as it is ready.

Pictures: Meet my Alexa at 4:30 this ay-em.  I had to shoot a small vid to send to Derek to learn how to shut her off; I really spent 20 minutes unknowingly combining the rules of another card game I play in Europe to Uno.  This is sad; A happy tree soaking in the rays of THE OVERCAST SKY!; ZERO HOURS REMAINING!!

 

 

Friday morning, my mind was like the first scene in “Finding Nemo” as Marlin joyously uttered the first words in the movie: “Today’s the day!!”  His plane was to arrive at 2:30 and I could not wait.  The good news was that I was seeing a client for the first time at the high school (I miss working in high schools) and then I’d be going to Juvie.  Because of working more time at Juvie that week than anticipated, I left early and headed to the clinic to get some paperwork finished and then…off to the blessed airport!!  Terminal  B was a whole new experience for me, and thus, with yellow rose in hand, I quickly scampered to the train exit to await him. With my heart pounding heavily, I decided leaning against the wall was the better option, as I kept seeing figures that could be him.  I would tense my body in preparation of running into his arms, only to discover that nope, she or he was not Derek.  In all of this, I missed him exiting and managed to run up behind him, hugging him with all my soul.  <semi make-out scene in airport.  It’s ok, though…I saw many  people smiling.>

The night was spent with many adolescent girls, as Maggie was having her belated slumber party.  9 girls and somewhere in all this, Derek and I managed to enjoy every moment, waiting for pizza at a place to bring home 4 larges then heading out to find a new microwave when mine shorted-out.  I ended up with a microwave big enough to re-heat Minnesota in, but it carries with it memories of a very committed Home Depot employee.

The next day, Derek and I headed to San Francisco for what is arguably the Greatest Weekend I have Ever Experienced.  After arriving at a lovely motel in the Sunset District, a couple of blocks from the beach, the first stop was Haight Ashbury via Uber.  It is here where I received a desperate phone call from a son I have and a man I was once married to; a time during which father-son conflicts will escalate as both react to one another.  Adolescent years are by far among the most difficult we face in life, yet despite being decades beyond them, it is all to easy to quickly  revert to these adolescent behaviors.  Really, our inner teenager is always inside us.  I understand this all too well as this same child has been my button-pusher since he was a small child.  Man, am I glad I got some learnin’ in me to better engage with such behaviors.

After a fantastic breakfast-ish meal, Sunday was the day I needed to show Derek all of San Francisco as we had to leave that evening to be home.  The day started in China Town, moved to North Beach(Cafe Trieste!), and ended up at Fisherman’s Wharf, where we ended up taking the Golden Gate Bridge home.  This was a Sophie’s Choice kind of day for me, because really, my favorite parts are not in any of these places, yet these areas are crucial to getting that first bite of The City.  I couldn’t have ever shown him the Mission District in a few hours, or Dolores Park, or Bakers Beach…those places have to be saved for next time.  Besides, being next to this man, I could have been sitting in a K-Mart parking lot, for all I cared.

Monday, after driving children to school, we headed to Placerville to Sweetie Pie’s (of course) for a breakfast/lunch (I can’t NOT get the enchilada casserole here), right back to school to get said-kids after, then right back to that goddamn airport.  I have a love/hate relationship with these places:  I love them the first visit, then curse every inch of them for the second.  8 years…longer even, that I have been waiting for this man and I am so grateful to have found him (23 years ago, but hey), so I will gladly endure some negative airport time for a life time with my favorite mammal.

Pictures: Our room; China Town; Cafe Trieste and my favorite human; San Francisco at sunset

 

 

 

 

 

Even as my eyelids are dragging on the floor, it is so difficult to say goodbye and hang-up each night, despite the time difference and early-set alarm clocks.  I have over-slept more in the last months than ever in my life, yet am always relieved that I wake so early, thus I’ve not (yet) been late.

I’m using my cranberry crunch as a weapon:  I brought it to the Halloween “gathering” (???) for staff at juvie and have heard numerous comments, many of them perhaps surprised that it didn’t contain organic, free trade pine-nuts and gluten-free wheat-grass.  It’s one way to get more hours there….

By the time I was back at the clinic, I was so damn-dead tired, that I did the unthinkable:  I tried for a power-nap.  Basically I just chilled on the sofa in an unused room for 11 minutes, but it did little good.  I do remember that  I’d take 20 minute power naps which helped a lot, but  I was sleeping on my stomach.  Maybe once Lizzie is back,  I can pull out the bed for such days.

Mags thought she had a volleyball clinic tonight, so I hustled home to get her there in time.  Seems she missed the memo that it had been moved to Wednesday, but  we made good use of the time and got started on food prep for her little slumber party tomorrow night.  This kid really is the apple from my tree:  we were walking down the aisle and at the same time said, “So, now what do we do?” <then we high-fived each other>

Tomorrow is game-time, which means shaving my legs.  I haven’t really done this on a regular basis for a quite a minute.  Shampoo in my eyes and mini invisible cuts all over, I need to get a teak chair like the ones in the Kibuki Spa, so I can sit my ass down.  Oh!  Then I discovered that my right ass is substantially smaller than my left ass, yet I don’t  even question these things anymore.  There still remains the intention of getting to the gym, when I can manage the time and not be completely exhausted, perhaps when the Boy is driving and can help out with carpooling.  For now, I’m just grateful to make to be busy with something I love.

Pictures: Power-nap; A gray duvet sits across the sky, covering us from the sun.

 

 

 

 

Intuition is a funny thing:  it lets you know there are flags in the vicinity, yet it never quite keys in on the specifics…what kind of flag, which color, the size, and so forth.  I’d had that feeling as I headed into the foothills yesterday morning.  Now to carry on with the day, however uneasily.

It wasn’t until about 8:30 last night that  my question was answered with a phone call.  For all points and purposes, the phone call could have been SO much worse, and for this I am ever-so-grateful.  Still….

Today began with a staff meeting which quickly rolled into group supervision, or “group supe.”  Somehow, in an odd twist of time and space, I somewhat felt like I was beginning to know what the hell I was doing on this planet.  Please,  don’t misunderstand me, I am usually able to figure out what my next move should be, yet I have this helpful tool (in my opinion) of being aware of how much more there is for me to learn.  This is my explanation behind my thirst for knowledge and curiosity.

It has taken me a few trips around the sun, but I’ve recently discovered that right around the fifteen hundred hours mark, I become exceptionally drowsy.  I have recently (as in today) and on such specific days when I know the day will become challenging(again, as in today), have followed Texas’s footprints and started a little caffeine maintenance.    I think a nice Wednesday afternoon drive for a cuppa might do me some  good.

In all (cryptic) seriousness, having people in your corner whom you know have your back is irreplaceable.  There are times when the solace of knowing you are not alone, even in times of actually being alone is enough.  Thank you.

Picture: What’s wrong with a little couscous, Boy?

 

 

 

 

It’s very important to remember, when you’re 45 years old and dressing up for Halloween, that your body is no longer 12 years old and that a leotard and tights look quite different than they did in your younger years.  I’m a little sad that all my effort to be Swiss cheese fell apart, but some discipline and better eating habits leave it a choice for next year.

My great Tuesday began when my boy shared some of his music with me: Mobb Deep and Schoolboy Q.  Some really intense, powerful lyrics, too.  Later, as we listened to our mix,  Mags shared this was the favorite part of her morning.  Mine, too, sweet pea, mine, too.

Off to my school site, where a minimum day and Halloween parades ruled.  I did see my children, and also was able to see an interesting costume:  a precious little Hispanic boy dressed as our current president.  That’s a little difficult to wrap my head around, knowing what I know about  much of our population.

Off to my favorite place to get some flex hours in for (this) Friday (not next week).  Again and again, I am reminded of how crucial a healthy foundation is for kids.  As resilient as they are, kids need stability and when they are exposed to domestic violence, drugs, etcetera, they often suffer, not having crucial coping skills which are often taken for granted.  Physiologically, the brain development of children exposed to DV (especially pre-verbal children) is different than that of children growing up in stable homes.  Today, these adolescents were able to have a bit of a different day and were able to participate in trick-or-treating inside the facility.  These kids deserve a little normalcy in their lives.

Two dozen roses awaited me when I arrived home:  19 red and 5 white.  For so long I waited, often wondering if I was doing so in vain, because surely this person I had created in my mind didn’t exist, right?  I take solace in the fact that I am not a 15 year old kid…I know what I want, in fact, I’ve waited almost a decade for it.  I’ve also thought about this man over the years, as I had a crush on him so many years ago.  I texted Maggie about ten days into it that he was my human.  Of this, I am certain.

Pictures: Just, noooooo; Why, look what popped up on my screen today!  Bixby Bridge.  Coincidence?  Ha!!!  HIPNIC X!!!; 24 more reasons. ❤

A great dub-step mix is the answer to any Monday morning at the onset of a never-ending week.  A boy who is giggling and smiling, followed by a girl who jams to said dub-step with me ain’t too bad, either.  I’m not sure what I did to deserve this life, but a big shout-out to Universe.

The way I saw it, the staff meeting Wednesday required me to jump ahead and get some time in with the client who would miss our regularly scheduled session, and then I knew about my 4:30 at the other office, but all the surprise paper work and the client who should up early for the 1:00 I had completely forgotten to write in to my calendar made the day a little fuller than anticipated.  Still, my heart swelled as I walked throughout our office, as I considered the thoughts of this place being my jam.  I love the people who work here and I’m honored to work with the clients we serve.  I love the helpers.

And then there’s the damn Swiss cheese.  I had only done three sides and was already out of spray paint; I never realized how needy Swiss cheese was.  I headed back to Home Depot, this time in clothing choices which didn’t raise any eyebrows, and purchased another can.  Thrilled to see Christmas items are on display.  I headed to the other work site, saw my client, and then…

…home, to a bill from the ER back in June I went to get checked out after my VW roll; I drove myself down, then shortly thereafter,  drove myself back home.  No meds where given to me, nothing done, other than when the nurse checked my blood pressure and gave me an eye exam.  Good grief.  A trip to the store for costumes, where the line reached the middle of the store, then the request for Target…for this and that.  Then the request for….NO.  No more.  Not today.  I cannot.  One would think I created the boundary.  Nope!  Mags reminded me to do so….with her.

So I went home, where I still had to bake for tomorrow, yet I was able to phone Texas and speak with him.  “I believe and I believe cause I can see our future days, days of you and me.”  And that made all the difference.

Pictures: Such beautiful clouds this morning; I really do; A double batch of cranberry crunch for the kids and juvie.

 

 

Fests are a little different, ok,  a lot different for me now.  Previously, as soon as I’d wake up, the timeline focus was on getting to the location as quickly as possible for fomo (fear of missing out).  Yesterday morning was quite different and I didn’t leave home til 1:15, despite waking before 8.

One part of my morning was a dizziness which is semi-uncommon.  “Am I hung over?”  I asked Ethan, who grinned.  But of course, it wasn’t that.  It was something which often happens with me in that I forget to pick up my Celexa, the latest anti-depressant I’ve been on for over a decade.  After my head injury, I’ve take some sort of SSRI, though the strength and dosage of medication has been severely decreased.  I tend to minimize it, however, and often neglect taking it daily and picking up refills on time.  Picked up my meds and off to Hangtown Halloween Music Fest…

…Where I met Rickey, who was late for his shift for beer crew.  I walked around the fest for a good 4 hours, listening to music, bumping into friends who are all in my music circle of friends, meeting faces I’ve seen at other fests, but are so familiar to me.  Music truly does bring people together.  I saw a teenager listening to Ideateam, a Sacramento funk band, and he was wearing a Megadeath concert tshirt.  Hell, yes!!

As  sat on the hillside, listening to Turquaz, I watched a video sent to me by a friend.  Amanda Palmer’s song “In My Mind” focuses on unrealistic expectations we place on ourselves, and coming to terms with the idealistic image of ourselves, which is in actuality not at all who we wish to be, once we are honest with ourselves:

“And it’s funny how I imagined
That I could be that person now
But that’s not what I want
But that’s what I wanted
And I’d be giving up somehow
How strange to see
That I don’t wanna be the person that I want to be.”

I love how my friends keep me in check.

Finally, finally, finally Rickey was off his shift. I think my time of being a solo    everything-er is coming to an end.  We grabbed some food and talked about relationships.  This is the thing I love about Rickey as my fest-friend; we’ve developed this brother-sister support connection.  We eventually moved our convo to the hillside for a period, but he had committed to a second shift to help out, so we soon parted ways and I headed to the car… until…a turntable set up by an RV was busting out some Dr. Dre and Snoop Dog, so I set down my poster and water and proceeded to Get Down with the other people getting down.  Another aspect I love at these fests…always something going on.  Eventually home with a sore back (damn disks), I proceeded to Face Time with Texas for 2.5 hours.  Poor guy.  Thank god for Sundays #amIright?

 

Pics ‘n vid: A favorite part of fests – the fabulous stilt-walkers (they were giants); Badassest dog at the fest; Yes, I am….  Amanda Palmer video.  Thank you, Tatjana. ❤