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The alarm went off at 4:01.  I’d forgotten to shut  it off from yesterday.  A few more hours of sleep and I was up by 7:45.  The kids, on the other hand, needed more Zzzs.

After enough threats, we were out the door by 11:30.  We meandered about and found a restaurant with no line called Huck Finn’s.   Mags had chicken and vowed to find at least one compliment for each new food she tried, for example…the brown rice which she said reminded her of saffron rice (she never eats saffron rice).  Ethan and I shut her down on that one.  Ethan had alligator (which he’s had in Florida) and I had shrimp followed by bread pudding.  A word here on our waiter; he was surely a Black God.  Delicious (food and waiter).

We then headed to the World War II museum.  My mistake was wearing contacts and having no cheaters.  This aging thing is such bullshit.  My other mistake was making Ethan go with us.  It was not what it should have been.  However, Maggie and I had several fun moments….

We headed back.  The kids rested.  I looked around the hotel, checked out the pool, walked to a grocery store a mile or so away, brought home a heavy bag of groceries.  And still they rested.  Goddammit.  I could have saved a lot of money by letting them rest in California.

Mags and I headed out.  My plan was to go to the mighty Mississippi, but even WITH a GPS, I’m still hopeless, so we just walked and took in the beautiful evening as my armpits may have perspired ever so delicately.  We noticed a Wednesday local band fest and hung out a bit…then ate at a sushi place.  Dare I add that earlier I bought kombucha and bath salts?  Seemed only fitting to “California” the day out with sushi.  I did have a second bread pudding, though.  Areas of my body that shouldn’t pop out at this point in my life are popping out.  Melted into the tub later, with one of the 3 brands of sparkling water I happen to have.  Take that, NOLA. 

Pictures: Scenes from NOLA. 

I cannot, I CANNOT understand how I continue to do this with flights.  It was right to get up at 4, but I should have had EVERYONE get up at 4.  It wasn’t til we were leaving that Ethan or Mags said, “shouldn’t we be there by now?”   That’s when it hit me and I pulled over to call Southwest Airlines.  We headed back home where I saw I’d left some important items and saw there was a horrible accident on the street we would have been on.  Maybe it was a good thing???

And then…at the airport.  Get on the bus only to release…left the backpack in the car.  <massive amounts of expletives>  This is my life now.  Kids willingly came back with me (we did the sight seeing tour on the bus) and di experience so much laughter.  Maggie “ ‘Stanggang”… Me: ”what is that??”  She is now the new family videographer of me…sends clips to her friends. These kids will ave SO much ammo when it comes to committing me.

The flight to San Diego was Mostly Filled, so kids and I had to sit apart on the flight.  I don’t like that, so when we got o SD, I bought an upgrade and we were first ones on.  $120 well spent – we were (after special needs) first one and got the first row.  Leg room was glorious.  Ethan had stayed up til 3 the night before so he could sleep on the planes, and sleep he did.  Mags did her thing (watched downloaded seasons of ‘13 Reasons Why’ and I read Neil Gaiman’s “The Ocean at the End of the Road.”   WHY am I not a writer??  I could DO this!  I’m not saying I’m Gaiman, or anything remotely close, yet I know I’m a writer.

Our taxi driver was amazing.    I couldn’t even understand her accent and knew it had been too long since Id lived in the South.  Turns out she was from Ethiopia, which opened up a whole conversation on what it was like there.  I‘d like to travel there….  The hotel is magnificent.  Way different than what I was aiming for, and actually, I’m sad we didn’t stay in a little NOLA style place, but my sister wanted her hotel points.  Bleh.  Still, no Gideon Bible – FIRST place I’ve ever stayed in that didn’t have one – win/win.  A little voodoo magic.

We walked around – apparently this hotel is in the center of everything (I found out later).  Homeless, impoverished people – it reminded me a great deal of the Tenderloin, and other parts of San Francisco.  I felt at home.  We dined at a restaurant in our hotel – Johnny was our waiter (from New Zealand), the food was DIVINE.  Mags put it like this:  her meal (the breading for the burger) was like a slice from the face of God).  Then up to our room for some Farkle.  The kids mentioned that if my friends saw me, they’d think I was on drugs.  I responded – that’s why I love High Sierra Music festival – for 4 days I can be myself.”  The next 5 minutes was silent as we were all caught up in that silent laughter where you can barely breathe.  These are the moments I live for.

Pictures:  Complimentary bus ride to the airport from economy parking; Southwest Airlines- They go to the Caribbean now!; Maggie; Dessert.

Another up ‘n early, this time to meet my friend Geni for a goodbye.  Lucky-duck is traveling to Hawaii, quite possibly permanently.  Good for her!  She deserves this.

Off to Juvie, with good reports all around.  Always good to hear this.  I saw 8 kids  to touch  base with them.

So damn tired, though, almost as if….oh yes, I took Benadryl for my itching last night.

SO.MUCH.TO.DO!  I checked in at home before meeting a client.  On my way, I took care of an old debt.  I am finally able to repay it all, plus interest, over a 26 year period.

I am seriously going to disconnect that girl from the phone.  Is she seriously going to take a shower while Facetiming?!?! It’ll be super fun waking her up.

Pictures:  I had to pull over, getting out of the car to shoot this Wicked Tree in front of the morning clouds, I was drawn in; Moneyorders.

No word from them…then I heard from the ex-wife.   We chatted for a bit…oh, what torment I had brought to her!  Looking back, I can see it so easily.  I apologized, explaining what a mess I was to begin with, not that it makes a difference because I still had my part.  That two-hundred pound rock was once again on my shoulders.  Then…I received a message from daughter, she had tried to friend me on Fb but I have it so secure that she couldn’t.  We messaged one another.  We will see where that goes.  Suddenly, on FB pages,  I saw the faces of the people who had been such a part of my life (his parents).  Punch to the gut.  I owe them so much.

My day was set in slow motion.  I couldn’t think of anything but them…and so long ago.  Suddenly missing fragments of my life reappeared.  A vacuous period became a little more filled.  I suddenly saw the divorce papers that he didn’t want to sign – so they were only separated.  I had forgotten.  I remembered her tiny porcelain shoes with her name, written so elegantly, her birth day, time and weight.  He was so exceedingly possessive of these, not wanted “her” to have them.  Looking at my own kids, if any man tried to capture a piece of my child’s life, even tiny porcelain shoes, I’d want to punch him in the throat.  Talk about mama bear reaction.

Mags had a day at the fair planned, so I dropped her off and headed to…the India Bazaar (???).  Because I have so much to do, so let’s go buy incense?  I don’t even bother questioning it, these day.  I grabbed incense, paid and headed off to see about Greek food.  The restaurant I wanted to try was closed, so I went to a newer one.  Not terrific, but  meh…. It was here that I had my first near-death experience.  Sitting in the parking structure, waiting for traffic to move, a car backed out, not bothering to look. I panicked and screamed as subconscious-shit happened.  I finally found my horn (as she hit me) and then…smiled and waved at the passenger.  Cars are made from plastic nowadays… I knew nothing had been damaged…so I left.

Grabbed Ethan from The Mountain, then stopped by the “we hope it can be ours” house.  It may be crammed in the lot, but it’s cute and close to town.   We will see when it is finished how much it will be sold for.  Then the work began.  We loaded up the bus numerous times, clearing out more of the house.  It was here that my second near-death experience happened as a Prius pulled out (not even in front of me – it just pulled out to make a left-hand turn) and I screamed.  Ethan commented, “God, Mom…” in disgust.  If only I could control it…

He and I worked on his English paper, and then I went to pick up Mags from the fair.   I started itching everywhere and wonder if I’m breaking out in hives from nerves, but no.  I kept thinking of how the day began and know all too well what it’s like getting such unexpected (and, to be fair probably unwanted) messages.  That was the darkest period in my life in so many ways, yet it was also the brightest.

Pictures:  Moving the Texas longhorns in Lizzie Mae. 

It was a rough night of sleep: late last night I received a text regarding another one of my clients. Two clients in the ER within a 12 hours.  Fortunately, after arriving at work,  I learned both are OK.  

I drove Lizzie again today, my smog appointment awaited us.  Well, her.  I quit smoking March 15, 1997, so my smog level is good.  Juvie, clinic, other clinic. Work is so frantic this week, as I’m having to complete things in time for next week.  

Driving….  I suddenly remembered shadows on the hot West Texas roads, driving through the shadows cast by the occasional clouds, a brief moment of respite from the sun.  I longed for those cloud shadows, because that fiery sun was always out, burning holes in the asphalt.  Shadows represented being safe – at “base.”  That’s why I love cloudy,  rainy days.

I waited for Lizzie to get smogged and as I did so, I met a couple.  Michael and Kevin, from San Francisco. They live here now. Kevin loves it, but Michael is still experiencing culture shock. I get that. It was such a perfect meeting one of those times when you meet people whom you know you connect with.  Then, Lizzie passed!!

A 2 1/2 hour crisis session. It’s tough sometimes, often. There are no magic words. I don’t have an answer.  I think the one thing I have is my own experience.  I bare my own scars, which I freely show them, if appropriate.  My story is different, I know, but it was not easier.  I am here for them, to listen,  to support, to help them.  Then I go home and eat cookie dough Mags just made, because fuck small boobs.  Who cares….

Pictures:  I saw this bumper sticker in a parking lot while I was getting VW keys copied and met a lady who loved Bob – drove her VW across the US on her own.  Rad;  Smogged; Cookie dough and Quan Yin.

Life has shifted pretty drastically for me when a “really late night” is getting to bed at 9:40.

After convincing the Boy to allow me to drive the bus (I dropped him off long before school property so no one would see), I headed to the smog shop and waited for a half an hour before they opened. When I called, I was told I needed to make an appointment, that the earliest they could fit me in 9:30, which conflicted with my staff meeting.  I was rather huffy and mad, telling him I’d call him back, but reality hit pretty quickly: I’m not the center of the universe and all things do not revolve around me.  The appointment is at 2:30 tomorrow.

Staff meeting and then individual supervision with my new supervisor.  I learned a really good lesson today, one I’m constantly preaching, yet in my human-ness, tend not to follow: we should not fear the unknown, for in it, we often discover the incredible.  

3 sessions, 3 treatment plans in rapid succession.  Today was exhausting- this whole week has been.   I texted the Boy to tell him I was on my way home and when I got there, I saw the TV cued to Parks & Rec and two plates with freshly-grilled hamburgers on them.   An absolutely perfect thing to come home to. I like that kid. 

I did convince Ethan to run down to the corner market with me for some double-stuffed Oreos. It didn’t take much arm-twisting. A show or two and then bed. I can’t wait (it’s 7:05 as I write this).

Pictures: This plant was from La Bodega Odessa.  I’ve held onto it this whole time, yet in the last few months it has suffered.  It died as we officially sold La Bodega.  After 7 years, the estate is closed; Awaiting me as I got home from an exhausting day.  Everyone should be so blessed.

I can tell it’s getting very close to the end of the school year, because every morning we lag. I was up at 5:17 and still had to rush to be out the door on time.   I can also tell it is time for me to start getting my own life.  My babies are drifting away faster and faster.  We will STILL have incredible times together, but it won’t be as often.

Doctor appointment this morning for Ethan.  I was proud of him, because despite not enjoying such appointments, he spoke with the doctor to let her know how he was doing with his SSRI.  There are options I have with him, additional diagnoses I could get, but I’m not sure if it would help or hinder.

I thought there was plenty of time: I had 52 minutes until I needed to be at work so I dropped by for a smog check.  45 minutes later, I left not having passed smog. It isn’t because of the numbers, they were clean. It was visual…. because of the catalytic converter. This damn state.  I probably shouldn’t even be mentioning this, but it’s because of a sticker inside the door.   Two words: duct tape.

I had a very special meeting this evening with an old friend who created something absolutely glorious for me. The timing couldn’t be better either, because of upcoming goodbyes.  Ginny made me the most beautiful copper Wicked Tree so I can take it with me. This means so much to me!

Home to my Boy.   Maggie is off in Monterey with her school on a field trip, so it’s just me and him. We had fun this afternoon with him driving the bus. It hit me today, as I was driving home from work (I had a reaction that resulted in sweats, rapid heart  palpitations, etc),  why I have such a panicked reactions.  It’s because I can’t consciously remember my accident, when I lost control and flipped the car,  hitting a house. I don’t remember, but my body does.  This explains so much.  Slowly, ever so slowly, more pieces of the puzzle come together. How fortunate am I….

Pictures:  I need to make my key-ring smaller – it’s difficult starting the bus; My Wicked Tree from Ginny ❤

Late night last night.  Didn’t get into bed until 9:21 , but it was so worth it.  Mags and I were talking  about iuds at dinner as Ethan casually looked around the restaurant.  Not that this is a topic I frequently discuss with my children, but it came to a point about sex and I commented that my iud worked very well, since I didn’t even “participate in THAT any way” and Mags laughed, and said “it’s keeping you from getting pregnant and laid!” as we both burst into laughter and fist bumped across the table.  Ethan just sat there and pretended to ignore us. There are personal things that I don’t share with my kids, but I feel healthy talks about sex and sexuality are important-after all it’s how we all got here. 

I was in a bad place this morning, not sure why.   Sitting in front of Maggie’s school, I try to be conscious of drivers behind me and move up, yet it annoys me when people who work there look down into my car to see who I am (had the same car for 5 years and I’m there every day) and don’t say anything, rather they look annoyed and bothered.  So when the second person did this, then asked my to move forward, I snapped at her.  I felt really bad about the afterwards, after all, she is a nice person whom I admire and respect.  As soon as I got to work, I sent her an apology note.  She didn’t deserve that. 

Great fun at work.  Scott showed me a meme after first telling me his version of it. It’s a terrific thing for my clients (usually teens) who think they know everything and aren’t willing to put much work into anything.  The original: “Every corpse on Mount Everest was once a highly motivated human being.”  His version: “Everest is covered with corpses of people who thought they could push through with the force of pure will.” Macabre, perhaps.  

At home the kids and I loaded up the bus with some boxes and we’re ready.  Took our obligatory family car photo, turned the key, annnnnd, nothing. I guess  lights must’ve been left on. I got out the jumper cables and Ethan drove the Mazda behind Lizzie.  I attached the the cables and it wasn’t long until we were headed to the storage facility.  Target was next, where we ran into friends who told me about KOA sites.  What’s terrific idea for road trips!  I’m looking into it.

After Ethan talked me into piking up burritos for dinner (he said, “can we get burritos for dinner?”  I hate it when he’s forceful like that), we headed home. Work day 1-completed.  

Pictures: Do the footwork; Kids and I are ready for fu…; cking battery died.  No big deal.