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6:37.  I overslept.  i’ve been on the decline with illness, so I’m sleeping hard, yet somehow the sunshine woke me. No time to sit and sip coffee, not even time to shower, but that’s ok.  I didn’t go rolling in mud yesterday, so I was fairly clean.

Dropped the Boy off, then Mags and I sat in front of her school for a bit – we had a nice/fun talk.  She’s a relatively kickass kid and I’m so glad we’re related.  Headed to pick up my baby girl, Lizzie.  I was so excited to be driving her again, but forgot how rough the steering is, and it’s been 4 months since I’ve driven her.  I need to drive her approximately 500 miles before they check her again to see how she’s doing.

Business meeting at work, then a sort-of-supervision .  I’ve noticed that wearing contacts gives me a horrific headache when I need to read or write, so I headed home to go pick up the keys for the gas cap on the bus, plus put on my glasses.  That’s when I ran out of gas.

Annnnddd locked my keys in the car (because I grabbed the keys that were NOT attached to the car keys).  Soooo….I waited.  Soon the owner of the repair shop showed up to fill up my car, but we needed to grab my keys first.  Filled up the bus, then I thanked him profusely, then waited 45 minutes for AAA to show up.  4 men stopped to help me.  I guess that’s what I’ll be doing on Saturday nights.

So much hustle and bustle today.  On the way to Maggie’s volleyball, she suggested we live in an apartment so we don’t rush into getting a house.  As much as I don’t want to move yet again, I think that’s really the smartest idea.  Now to find a 3 bedroom apartment or duplex that isn’t outrageous.  I’m so fricking tired of moving.

Pictures: My kickass Girl; My other kickass girl taking a rest.

I can’t believe I slept as well as I did, until around 4:30, when I remembered what had happened last night. From then on, I tossed and turned. But!  At least I have a cozy bed to do that in. Silver linings.

I did something this morning that I struggle doing on most days, I made a phone call, and not just any  phone call: This one went to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania –  to the owner of the house to ask him “why?”  We had a long conversation – he was very kind and I can completely understand his reasons for selling the house.  He offered to sell me the house if I wanted, yet this is not where we belong which, unfortunately,  means divorcing my Beautiful Wicked Tree.

Work went well.   I have to admit, Fear and Uncertainty  is an old-familiar.  It is how I once  operated.  This rush of adrenaline, the constant state of panic is the way I used to live. I can operate like this…as long as I keep my Conscious Contact open.

This morning, Universe let me know that I was being taken care of by way of an old friend reaching out and asking me to chair a 12-step meeting tonight. As soon as I got the request, I smiled and knew without a shadow of a doubt that I would be OK. Situations like this energize me, allowing me to feel the depth of my humanness; these are my learning moments,  so I try to enter such times with eyes wide open, being fully aware.

The meeting tonight was Extra More than what I needed: it was all encompassing, pure serenity.  Plus, I got to share the glory  of my Wicked Tree. Home, where my Girl was already asleep, and my Boy was waiting. So, I embraced my age,  set down my raw ginger-lemon-honey tea that I had been drinking at the meeting and made myself a nice hot cup of magnesium citrate. It’s an honor to grow old.

Pictures: The evening sky with Venus peeking through the top-tight corner; This morning’s Wicked Tree; My tea.

I accidentally ate 9 Oreos (dipped in milk)  last night. Maggie was pissed (they are hers).

I can understand and appreciate political discussions. Yet when ignorant comments are made, accusations flung, I tend to lose my patience. You are an adult. You are white, you are privileged. The fact you consider  issues which you are unable to relate to a “non-issue”,or worse yet,  “fake news”?!!?   I take great offense with that. Again, not to be sanctimonious….

Juvenile hall was amazing, I made a deal with one of my kids: he does ____, I wouldn’t eat sugar for a week. Maggie was very happy with this. Then off to the next site to meet with my four clients. This would’ve put me into the “500-hours remaining” range, but one client canceled, so I sit at 600 hours remaining until I can take my licensure exam.

Texted my girl to start cooking dinner. She’s supposed to be heading to school tomorrow. When I got home the boy had started a fire for me and a delicious dinner of roasted brussel sprouts, delicious mashed potatoes and a seared steak with a garlic-soy glaze was ready. Yet the poor girl was exhausted and felt horrible, heading to bed to sleep. I’m not so sure she will make it.  Dinner was certainly delicious, though.

A short week, yet a long one. I have been looking forward to seeing the Hips in Oakland, yet if Maggie makes it, has an early volleyball practice Saturday, and a tourny on Sunday, so I’ve sold my ticket and I’ll spend the evening with my kids. I love doing that, anyway.

Pictures: Thank you, Mr Jackson, for putting my thoughts into facial expressions. “Non-issue”, my ASS!; Characters we met during our walk during therapy.

I not trying to be a sanctimonious bitch. Trust me, politics is not one of my hobbies and I understand I have so much to learn. Yet, when it comes to human rights, basic decency for those who struggle, and equality, I simply cannot understand people.  I truly do my best to understand where others are coming from; in my profession that’s important, but it’s also important for me to protect myself and when rude, close-minded accusations are constantly in my face, I felt it was time to close the door.

Maggie was sick today, possible strep throat, so I dropped The Boy off at high school and headed up to my school site. Shit is starting to go down:  last night, I made chicken sausage and brussel sprouts for my lunch and let me tell you-  I have never been a fan of brussel sprouts, but those sprouts were so damn delicious today.  Tonight I made some roast pork with the sauce that still makes my mouth water. I’m thrilled to be creating by cooking again.

I was only at juvenile Hall for an hour again today. On this Tuesday, Maggie and I were headed down the hill to the doctor. Apparently the child also had a 102° fever.  Her body’s fighting something.   We’ll find out about strep in the morning.

Home.  I cooked.  And somehow I also cleaned? When I was a kid, I had to scrub the kitchen just about every day, somehow that hasn’t changed yet.  I don’t see someone doing it for me when I’m old(er), either, so I really need to get on those kids.  

I ate really well today, some really healthy choices…until after dinner. My plan was to eat mandarin’s. My truth is I ate some of Maggie’s Oreos. Whyyyyyy???

Pictures: I **LOVE** all this rain; Dinner tonight.  It was so damn good.

First wake up was 7:20, which is wonderful when it’s on a non-work night, so I slept for another hour. 

Then up…for more marathoning…healthy lunch of fish-I-don’t-like….then showering for the show.  Initially I put on jeans and a ratty shirt, but then I decided to dress up a little.  Did ma hair, put on some fancy makeup.  ‘Course, I hadn’t bothered shaving my legs, because really, it’s still winter, but I did grab a pretty dress and soon I was off. 

Despite the fact that Tahoe city isn’t that far away, it takes just as long as a drive to SF. I knew a big storm was expected around midnight, so I checked numerous weather sites checked freeway conditions etc. I had my chains in the back of the car and thought about bringing boots and jeans but decided against it.  Big mistake.  I’m a damn good driver,  but there were areas where I could barely see where I was going. By the time I passed Blue Canyon, chain controls had started, yet I  followed a car in front of me and kept going. At one point,  I didn’t have a choice anymore and had to stop.  I lied, saying I had all wheel drive,  because I had my chains with me and I knew I could put them on without issue, so getting there wouldn’t be a problem. The problem was coming back home.  With that, I turned around and headed back home.

I stopped at Taco Tree in Auburn to get some food to go, and noticed staff talking to a guy who was asleep at one of the tables. Within a few minutes, he lifted his head and started asking people where he was, but nobody answered.   He became more verbally aggressive, so I talked to him, answered his questions, asked some questions, made a few suggestions, bought him a coffee, then headed home…

…Where are Maggie texted me within 15 minutes of getting home. She was sick, at a friend’s house, and needed me to pick her up. So I picked up my girl, then  came back home where the fire was still burning. Not exactly the night I had hoped for, but a beautiful one, nonetheless.  

Pictures: Dragonwell green tea kombucha prep; Focused driving; Snow driving

Somehow…I slept until 11:37.  But it was such a niiiiicceeee dream.  About a man?  Nope.  I was getting my bus back.

I had planned to go by Costco (they didn’t give me progressive lenses, which is what I paid for), head to Trader Joe’s for more mandarins, then go pick up my sugar cookies, but such a late morning meant a change to plans – cookies only.  So that’s what I did. 

Marathoning was the next plan.  I flipped on Grey’s Anatomy and began. I know people talk about the exciting life I have…and I do at times – I know.  But sometimes, like on these numerous weekends I spend alone, I’m craving a little action.

Which means I have to create that action myself, I know, I know.  I have a plan.  I plugged my damn FitBit back in.

So…tomorrow night is the CRB show.  I missed the last CRB show I had tickets to because of my Oakland youngster.  Clearly that didn’t work out, but I shall go forth…maybe put on some pink eye shadow and I‘ll wear some kind of scent.  Maybe patchouli, because at this point,  fuck it.

Picture: box of…cookies

Life isn’t fair sometimes, when your son gets to sleep in because his high school has the day off, yet your daughter still has to be at Quoia Café early in the morning.  At least it was raining.  Silver linings. 

I might have stopped by a bakery ordered a dozen sugar cookies for tomorrow since they had none available when I stopped by before work.

Because it was deemed a holiday by so many schools, juvenile hall’s schedule was that of a weekend.  Having only done suicide assessment on weekends, I’ve not spent much time here during those days.  I like it.  I remember professors in grad school asking me which population I most wanted to work with and me having no idea. I also remember the reason I wanted to get in to therapy was because of my time at Folsom State prison. Needless to say, I think I found my population.  Now that I’m 45, I get to start climbing the ladder.

After work I did a few errands,  then went to the Mexican restaurant I frequent(I was there yesterday at lunch). There were only a couple of tables and both soon left, so I had a conversation with Freddy and we talked politics.  I see how both sides are reacting: the right sees nothing wrong with what’s taking place where as the left is astonished and speechless after the actions of the administration. I’m a little astonished myself, yet  know that good will come from this.  A mantra I used to tell myself when I was going through some particularly rough times was, “it’s always darkest before the light.”  I think that’s applicable here?

At home, I started the fire Ethan had prepped for me, grab the bag of mandarins from Trader Joe’s (tart, yet healthier than SweeTarts) and sat down giving in to Maggie’s request, starting  “Grey’s Anatomy.”  Tomorrow, I’ll pick up my sugar cookies, binge watch G.A. all weekend, head to CRB Sunday night, then start thinking of a new life-changing goal.  This is my plan. 

Pictures: I made Maggie’s lunch for her today – usually she does it herself but she’s been rather tired lately; Way Back Bakery – home to my future sugar cookies; Christina and mandarins from Trader Joe’s.  Nice way to spend a Friday evening.

I sure don’t bounce back like I used to: Despite 8 hours of sleep last night, I was tired from the onset, yet the rain was tapping on the roof, coaxing me to come outside and play, so it was definitely a good beginning to the day.

It is becoming increasingly more difficult to rouse the kids in the morning, a strong indicator of “teen-ness.”

First to juvenile hall, where I was fortunate enough to meet two staff from the juvenile justice commission and subtly request (funding for) additional mental health hours for these kids.  When you have a broken car, you bring it to the mechanic, right?  You don’t just lock it in the garage and hope it’ll get better.

Then, down the hill to my 4 back-to-back-to-back-to-back sessions.  The cool thing is 2 of the kids are young , so lying on the floor with our feet up in the chairs was totally okay, though I’d do probably that with grown-ups, too.  I’m just sayin’.  I think shifting yourself so you aren’t in the “usual position” of sitting in a chair to talk shifts perspective.  Sometimes lying on your back is the perfect solution.

Home where I cooked up my dinner.  I had just gone into my room where I had hidden the cupcakes (since they didn’t have any sugar cookies), planning on enjoying one in front of the fire when the kids got home (doesn’t everyone hid cupcakes under their bed?).  I’m right back in my rut where I feel icky and pudgy, with little energy since I have all this high fructose corn syrup pumping through my veins.  I have to find another way out of this silly cycle.  Moti-Vation….where are you?

Picture: A working lunch.  Yes, I realize I am throwing myself into the fire.