September 15, 2016

I can’t start off with my usual morning remembrances..there is too much tragedy going on and my head is trying to comprehend it all – trying to make sense of it, which, I know, is hopeless.  There is never a satisfactory explanation when bad things happen to good people.  One thing that does stand out from this morning is this:  as we left our home, ready to begin our work days, the kids noticed a bird sitting in a puddle, giving itself a glorious bath.  I’m not sure why that struck me the way it did.

After watching my children for just a moment longer as I dropped them off at school, I got to work. I had spoken to my mom briefly – it was good to hear her voice.  Once in the office, I was extremely cheerful, channeling Wayne Brady and singing in the hallways, because I have to:  I’m alive.  My kids are alive.  Our lives are SO BEAUTIFUL.  I am living on the other side of that broken mirror.  Group supervision for 2 hours, then I continued cleaning and organizing my desk.  I learned I cannot take over J-Ber’s desk because it has been reserved for someone working with a specific grant we have, so instead I cleaned things out – I was THAT close to completely  organizing my life, but I didn’t want the others to be jealous so I slowed that shit downnnn….

VINCL with J-Ber (that’s Very Important Nacho Consult Lunch).  Over globs of delicious melted cheese we discussed clients and possibilities.  I understand there are many people and populations that I would not fit well with, but I feel I could relate to and help out a specific group a great deal.  I headed to my next site.  I had a huge break-through with a client…after months of work, the client has finally begun, as I put it, to take down the bricks placed around the client’s heart.  I cannot even describe the  emotions….

Another volleyball game – I walked in, sat down by Ethan, filled him in on his coach, that her family is saying their final goodbyes, then had to leave as tears poured down my face.  Maybe I’m too hypersensitive and NO, I don’t  “know” her – but I spent years talking to her mom at work, at school sports games.  She coached my kid, she IS a kid! She is twenty years old and was married 6 weeks ago – this is so fucked up.  I understand “life” – a car accident, a fire, an illness…but this?  A healthy, athletic, strong young woman just stops breathing as she sleeps?

So I took my beloved children home from the volleyball games (both won), and I laughed with them, I hugged them,  I helped put their old baby socks  on the dogs, I helped with homework, I danced, I sang with my kids.  I have always been told from my own mother that life has no guarantees, and tragically our CMP family has been reminded of that yet again.  Yet I also know the impossibility of remaining completely conscious of life’s sublimity – because it’s LIFE; we get angry or impatient or frustrated.  One cannot Maria Von Trapp through everything…as often our hill’s aren’t  alive with music.  Still, make an effort – every day – to stop and SMELL THOSE ROSES.  I do not exaggerate one bit… I smell each of the rose bushes before entering the office.  I give my soul the gift of this by  appreciating its beauty…life is short.

Picture:  A bird’s bath.