June 23, 2018

I can’t begin to accurately portray the fear I’ve been experiencing and how it manifests itself to varying degrees in my life as of late.

At this point, I’m falling; plummeting into a black hole, terrified I’ve made a decision which could devastate others as many lives would be affected.  If I’ve learned anything in my life, it’s that when I do something, it doesn’t ONLY affect me; Ripples in pond when a rock has been thrown in.  

It isn’t just my children I’m concerned about, there are also his.  Despite my best intentions, I have this immature inner-me who is frightened and insecure.  Despite all the talks l have with myself, when the going gets tough, I  shut down and as great as an actress as I think I am, these moments of withdrawal are noticed by others. This isn’t good, because what his kids need is an adult who is stable and knows what the fuck she’s doing.  I’ve been open with the girls; told them both how difficult this has been in terms of missing my tribe and that I will (and do) mess up.  Is that going to be enough or am I just creating an excuse?

Derek’s son and fiancé came to visit tonight and brought us dinner.  We had such a wonderful time.  After a delicious dinner (with plastic utensils as silverware  and paper towels as fine linen), we spoke about movies, music, life and politics.  It was a much needed break after emotional days.

And tonight, a thunderstorm and surprise rain shower hit our area. Such a wonderful welcome back and maybe a sign that it will be okay here, after all.

Picture: moment between the lightening.